14 years together but still porn addicted?

[KW_Kiss]

Hey everyone this is my first post to this site, I hope someone can help me out there. I've been with my husband almost 14 years (yay!) and we've beaten this porn issue to death a half dozen million times, but I can't seem to get past it. He promised me after the last time, this came up that he'd stop looking at porn at least while he was home. ( he's a longhaul trucker) I send him pics of me all the time while he's gone and yet even still on his phone and on the home computer there is STILL porn sites on them both. I don't get it, he is deliriously gorgeous, but is not the least bit vain about it, and I'm not bad looking, I could look like roadkill, it could be worse, but how do I handle his indiscretions about porn from eating me alive every night? I feel so let down and totally devastated when I come across this stuff, and I hate to beat the issue to death, everyone has their vice, but what is it telling me that he still looks at porn even after everything I do for him? I understand fully that men are visually stimulated, trust me, my hubby especially, but how should I think about all this?

[Brandye]

The definition of an addiction is a need for something that interferes with normal functioning and relationships. Sound like this meets the definition. He needs addiction counselling.

[KW_Kiss]

It's not an everyday thing, but it does play its role in our lives and I just want to know how to be able to work it out of our marriage. I hate trying to change every bad thing out of him, Lord knows I'm not perfect either, but this is just the one hangup I can't get past. He's tremendously wonderful to us, and does alot for me, but I can't compete with girls who are 10 years my junior.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay, we have a problem here. You are confusing fantasy with reality. Pornography is not real and therefore should be considerd "romance novels for men" in that kind of a light. Maybe heavier on the sex than your average romance novel but very much the same.

The problem is not him -it is YOU.

You're not compting with anyone. Jeez! Is your husband competing with Lord Wentworth II or that Roman legionnaire from the latest Barbara Cartland book? No, of coure not. How silly! Well, duh! Fantasy so not worth bothering about.

You see my point.

Now then as a wife of more than 30 years standing, let me assure you, that YOU are far more important to him. You are the wife of his dreams, the mother of his childen, and no one can replace that esp not some manufactured bimbo whose ony skill is removing her gaments. Instead of fearing or hating these women you should be pitying them.

Please stop trying to change him. He is an adult and worthy of being treated as an adult. As long as he keeps the pornography down to a dull roar, I see no need for you to concern youself with it.

[KW_Kiss]

It was the weirdest thing after I posted this. Thank you all for the posts, really. I have fought with this issue a long time, and after reading it once it was "down on paper" so to speak, I got to thinking maybe the issue ISN'T him, it IS me. Not really what I wanted to face up too, but I think that because we are apart so often I feel like, he loses thought about me, and resorts to the next best thing. He says he loves me, and I know he does, but sometimes I'll just get my head wrapped around the idea that the porn does more for him, and then I'll just completely lose it. Finding these forums has been a good outlet for me, I really appreciate it. Thank you. It's helping me save my husband from hours of my mindless screaming and hollering.

[sprtskhne33]

Originally Posted by Brandye

The definition of an addiction is a need for something that interferes with normal functioning and relationships. Sound like this meets the definition. He needs addiction counselling.

I agree. I watched Opera a few weeks back and the topic of the show that day was "Porn Addiction". They talked about several different marriage stories and to the married couple themselves. The one couple they talked to gave advice in which no one else had. The man in the relationship said he went to a psychologist. The woman of the relationship went to a marriage counselor. After their meeting with one another, they flopped helpers, if you wish to call them that. They talked it over and the best solution they came up with after the days of seeking help was to meet other people. Not really date or cheat on each other but sitting and talking to them, like "venting" to that person privately that had the same addiction. I don't know if you two have anyone that did or has one, but they said it helped a lot and now it's no problem, he's free of it. That's my advice to you.

[EvilEvilKitten]

To many men pornography is boring, unrewarding, and a waste of time - yes, really, I have met more than a few.

As one man described it "Why would I want to sit here and whack off when I have my Lioness - the most wonderful, the hottest, the only woman on the planet for me waiting for me?"

You see, ladies? Once he's has YOU, the other women just kind of disappear so there is no need for you to worry.
Stop pushing him away by being insecure which is no more attractive in a woman than it is in a man.

[LickMyGamete]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

To many men pornography is boring, unrewarding, and a waste of time - yes, really, I have met more than a few.

As one man described it "Why would I want to sit here and whack off when I have my Lioness - the most wonderful, the hottest, the only woman on the planet for me waiting for me?"

You see, ladies? Once he's has YOU, the other women just kind of disappear so there is no need for you to worry.
Stop pushing him away by being insecure which is no more attractive in a woman than it is in a man.

Or at least that's what they tell you. And don't your guys have 3 other partners too?


I'm really curious what the advice would of been had KW put forth a moral reaction against it rather than one based on jealousy. I know my dad became addicted to it, and I remember the arguments about it and my mother yelling "That's someones daughter! Would you be proud if YOUR daughter was doing that?!" and then claiming how drug addiction and mental disorders often go along with it (well, she's a counselor).

[EvilEvilKitten]

That "someone's daughter" is not his daughter hence the argumnt is not germane - after all your mother was someone's daughter too. In fact, it had damn well better NOT be his daughter he's looking at. If she's over 18 - it is her life and her choice.

We are too quick nowadays to call anything "an addiction" and I'd be willing to bet that if your mother had just cut her sexuality loose and laid your dad out 12 hours per week, he'd NOT be intereted in porn either. Thisis ased upo the fact that most women are capable of sexually driving a man into an early grave by her prowess.

which is why my partners have just me - they're trying to survive.