I could really use some advice

[SallyD]

Hi everyone,

I have a problem thats been on my mind for the last couple weeks. Currently I am living with my fiance of two years and his best friend who moved in with us. One day after getting back from class I was stressed and tired so I started to drink. My roomie decided to join me saying that I shouldnt drink alone so we watched movies together.

I dont remember anything out of the second movie, I was in really bad shape. I remember little flashes of him and I having sex, or at least him doing things to me. When I talked to him about it the next day, at first he said he didnt remember anything, but later on he said he remembered details and that he was really sorry for what happened.

I didnt mean for anything to happen. I dont even know what happened, but we agreed that it might not be the best idea to tak to my fiance and that we should act like nothing ever did.

I dont know what to do. I love my fiance more than anything and want to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm afraid of telling him because I dont know if he will ever trust me again.

Please tell me what you think, and if you have any advice or any idea as to what i should do.

[Visioneer]

Secrets like this just fester inside you. If you truly love your fiance as much as you profess, and I hope that you do, you're probably going to have a hard time keeping this from him. You don't want something like this hanging over your marriage. Imagine if he found out from someone other than you. Take the high road and explain to him exactly what happened.

My other immediate concerns are: 1) Why have a 2-year engagement? Are there underlying committment issues? 2) Is it really necessary to drink so heavily?

[sexylady1989]

I know how you feel. Secrets find a way out. Sadly I do think you need to tell him. It should be with someone who he can trust because he will loose trust in you so he needs someone to fall back on. Also I think if they know about it prior so they can be prepared and not shocked. I think someone who he trust will help you to be able to get him listen to everything. Alcohol does make us do stupid things and it can be understood how it can happen. You will have a lot of work to do on your relationship. Can you really enter a marriage with such a big secret?

[lnt1103]

Agreed, you HAVE to tell him. You can't go through life with this. If you try to keep it a secret, it will become the 800-pound gorilla in the room, and someday it will come out and be even worse than it is now.

I don't know that anyone else should be involved in the conversation, least of all the roomie. He better not be on premises, or it could get ugly. But this conversation needs to be between you and your fiance, with no third party there. He'll go find someone to fall back on if he needs to. Let him decide who he turns to.

There's a reason you've been together two years, and there's a reason you've moved to the level of being engaged. Give him the opportunity to be the man you fell in love with. Be open, be honest, be sincere, and above all, be humble. There are no guarantees here--he may forgive you and be able to move on together, he may not. But he deserves the opportunity to make the decision.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yeah, you were very stupid. Dont give me any excuses.

And now, with all of this no doubt well meaning advice, you are going to be stupid again.

Counselors who professionally deal with infidelity state "Confession is not always the best choice."

You have to consider ALL of your alternatives AND the possible outcomes of all of those choices and then pick the option that causes your FIANCE' the least harm.

I'd say STFU and bear your burden like a full grown woman, handle stress in a better way (go get some exercise) and stop drinking. In other words: grow up and stop being a wimp. But you may decide that increasing your fiance's pain by destroying his idea of you and his relationship with his best friend just so you can feel better is more important.

Whether or not your fiance' decides to trust you is neither here nor there - the biggest question is whether you can ever learn to forgive yourself and trust in yourself again. You are only human ad this only becomes an 800 pound gorilla if you LET it.

[lnt1103]

I've had the 800-pound gorilla in the room. He eventually becomes bigger than the relationship and ends it unless the two involved see him growing and choose to end him first.

If she doesn't tell him she best be able to guarantee he never finds out any other way, thus avoiding more pain to him than telling him now, herself, would cause. And she best be able to guarantee she can live with herself without letting it fester, thus avoiding the gorilla.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If her fiance suffers from low self-esteem and she tells him - he will be destroyed. In our culture, they all do. Being "man enough" can be a terrible curse.

In any case, the marriage is off. He will be busy blaming her, blaming himself, recriminations, heartbreak, this friend's now gone, not trusting himself or her afterwards.

So she can get a pat on the head and 'forgiveness' - to make herself feel better?
"He forgave me and I'm so grateful. Now I can forgive myself."

Forgiving herself involves her accepting that she is only human and that she does not need his forgivness in order to forgive herself. Each time she resists similar temptations in the future will help her improve herself. Standing by him from through thick and thin will also help. Loyalty, devotion, love and even trust isn't just between her legs. By accepting the burden of her guilt, quietly and privately and by not making herself a blood sacrifice, she will become a better person than she may have become had she not screwed up.

I know how it is, Int. This may well be the most difficult thing she will ever have to do - all the more reason for her to do it.

[mikkiji]

I agree with EEK--do not tell him, period--bear the burden and get on with it. I cheated on my late wife once, after 21 years of marriage--I'll not go into the details now. In any case, I regretted it and went back to my marriage with a renewed sense of commitment and love, but with guilt and remorse. I bore that until she was terminally ill, and then the need to confess became overwhelming--I did not want her to die without offering me absolution. Before I confessed, I spoke to the woman I'd cheated with, whom I'd remained vaguely friendly with. She wisely told me to keep my mouth shut, which I did. I was not about to do it for my wife, but for myself--and that option was both cowardly and selfish. She went to her grave loving her ever-faithful husband, and I carry my regret about the episode to this day, more than a dozen years after it happened. Suck it up and be a mensch.
Michael

[Brandye]

First stupidity: a "best friend" moving in with two in an established relationship.
Second stupidity: your screwing him - whatever the circumstances.
Third stupidity: his not voluntarily moving out.
Fourth stupidity: either of you telling your fiance about it. This will end a romantic relationship and a friendship.

Tell the friend to get his ass out. NOW!

[lnt1103]

What ever happened to the concept of "no secrets in relationships"???? Is it really that antiquated an idea????

If the relationship is strong enough, and means enough to both of them, and is meant to work out in the end, they can pull through it. WITHOUT the secrecy. And if they do so, believe it or not, the relationship has the potential to become stronger yet than it is now.