Can't decide what I want

[Yariome]

Alright, me and my ex girlfriend were together for 4 1/2 years, planned on getting married, and have kids all the good stuff. We were very happy, but I was very controlling and never realized it until after the break up.

It has been two months since she left me, and we are talking regularly again, and are friends, but now I am at a very difficult decision... I know I was controlling, but everything else, I literally gave her the world. She was very happy when I Was not controlling but it become unbearing for her. I understand this, and have since fixed this. When we first broke up she said "I hope we can work things out someday" now she still tries to kiss me, have sex with me ect, and yes I give in but i'm refusing to from now on.

I refuse to give her an ultimatum because those are very unfair and usually never work. BUT I am starting to get angry that she cannot find a reason to want to be with me when she knows I make her happy. Wednesday night she came over, we had soup, snuggled under a blanket, and watched some movies. Was pretty romantic over all, and I could see she was very happy. Yet she is making no effort to come back to me. I know most everyone will say "just move on" well I do intend to do that, but before that I want to try one last effort because it's hard to give up on something you were so happy with.

As of right now, since wednesday I have not talked to her and we were talking every day since the break up, I want her to realize that I am worth her time, but it is starting to anger me she hasn't.

Does anyone have any last bit advise? I will move on, but not until I try one last time.

[Yariome]

And before anyone jumps down my throat, yes she had her flaws the break up was her fault too, I just decided to list my faults, because she makes me very happy.

[lnt1103]

A few ideas:

You've spoken every day of the two months since breaking off a 4+ year relationship? Part of the confusion here could be that you two didn't make a clean break. You're still holding onto what you always knew because it's comfortable and safer than 'putting yourself out there again'.

Since you've only delved into your own faults, we've no choice but to focus on that. Apparently your controlling of her was so extensive and hurtful that you broke her trust in you, leading to the end of the relationship all together. I've often heard trust likened to glass--once broken, it's very difficult to repair. From her standpoint, it could be difficult for her to trust that you've changed.

Have you sat down with her, and openly, honestly, and angerlessly, discussed with her what you're thinking and feeling about this situation? If not, you need to. She's not a mind reader, and it's not fair to get angry with her for ignoring what she doesn't know is happening. Have this discussion, and then ask her to make a choice between trying it again, and moving on completely. If you HAVE already had this talk, and it's accomplished nothing, YOU make the choice for her, and both of you move on.

[Yariome]

Well I kind of have, but to be honest I never stuck with it. I would say I would want time apart or whatever, then talk to her usually the same day. I have been very bad about keeping my foot down.

Yes I did screw up, and I will not deny that she did too, but I want to make it work.

The biggest problem I think she is having IF she still wants to make it work is that she does not believe I will change because I Always change my mind... Which is why I am the one taking this break and waiting for her to come to me, and no I have not told her but that's because before I was always the one initiating convo, and hanging out. So I want her to come to me this time. Then when that happens, I think I will have my final talk.

[dancingdoc2]

I believe you should read the articles on relationships and dating.

Perhaps a good tact to take is to continue dating her casually and also others as they come and go. It seems to me that the two of you need the experience of dating and learning about others and learning about what characteristics in others are important to you.

How many times have you read my position on dating, that it should be open ended until the two people involved are ready to settle down. Dating it about learning what characteristics, ideals, goals, views, morals, values, quirks, etc. people have in order to better recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes along.

Dating does not begin and end with the purpose of settling in with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Perhaps you have bypassed this important part of socialization and maturing.

[Yariome]

Wow I never thought about it like that doc, but I have to say I completely agree. Also, I have not read many posts you made on dating, if you have any links you would like to suggest I would gladly read. We are both still young, so if worse came to worse, it would suck but I could get over her, I just do not want that as of right now.

[Cireg01]

Dude, why screw up a good thing??

She's being your "girlfriend" without actually being your girlfriend.

Spend time with her, but still explore your other options. . .when the time comes and you find someone else, either she'll want to "lock you down" and have you back with her, or she'll get the picture.

[dancingdoc2]

> if you have any links you would like to suggest I would gladly read.

Please check the Index.

> The biggest problem I think she is having IF she still wants to make it work is that she does not believe I will change because I Always change my mind... Which is why I am the one taking this break and waiting for her to come to me

She may not, because "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." {Dr. Phil) That said, why would she be in a rush to return to your arms? You'll have to demonstrate new behavior and attitudes over time letting her observe the changes you have made; stating that you have or intend to, is insufficient. In other words, you will have to create a new history for her, first, not just modify the old.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Did you never thnk that you getting angry at her not jumping right back into your arms is and yet another example of you being CONTROLLING?

You want her to behave as YOU want her to behave and NOT accepting that, from her point of view, she's being true to herself.

RELAX. SLOW DOWN. DATE OTHERS.

Get on with building a rich and satisfying individual life of your own and stop seeking to share that life before you have that life to share.