My hubby can't always turn me on...

[ductapefaerie]

So, my husband and I have been married for just over 2 years, and have been together for just over 7. We've been having sex for 5. The last few years, it seems as though it's harder and harder for my husband to turn me on. I still love him, and it still works some of the time, but not all of the time. I know some of the reasons are stress, some unhappiness with my body (I had my son 10 1/2 months ago) and a bit of depression, but even when I'm not having an episode, it still seems hard to become aroused via my husband.

I know it's nothing physical because my boyfriend (please no judging, we have a polyamorous relationship; all consenting and fully informed adults) is able to get me going all the time. Again, this is partially because he's still novel and exciting (we've only been dating a couple of months).

I'm really not sure what to do. I don't feel like adding any kink will help, and, though I'd love to try body worship (and I will suggest it to him), I know he's going to fumble a lot if he'll even try it. I guess what I'm looking for here is ideas for how to get back into the groove of things. I love sex with him, I love him, I just can't seem to get in the mood that often.

Also, as a side note, my boyfriend has a hard time lasting when we have sex. A lot of this is due to inexperience on his part, but it's really bothering him. I've read the thread on PE, so that's definitely a possibility, but any other suggestions would be great.

Thanks for all your words of advice, and again, please refrain from judging on the husband and boyfriend thing. As previously stated, we are all informed and consenting adults.

[Buck Naked]

It might have a lot to do with the other relationship. I know I wouldn't want to eat home cooking if I could eat at a restaurant whenever I wanted. I use that example because I am only with my wife, but it is a good parallel. I'm not judging, it's just human nature. The longer we go between "sessions" the more I'm drawn to my wife. She'll go from attractive to irresistable to me. If I had a second partner to fill the void I'm pretty sure our sex life would cool proportionally. If you take a break from all sexual contact for a bit (boyfriend and yourself) you may find your husband will begin to look a lot more like a sexual object and not just your best friend. Just a thought, hope it helps.

[lnt1103]

Don't forget that the 10 month old adds another symptom here....fatigue. I'm sure you're exausted chasing him around

If part of the boyfriend thing (not judging) is that he's still new and exciting, sex with your husband may simply be same-o same-o in comparison.

Add a little spice on the home front....get a sitter or send the baby to his grandparents, and the two of you go out for a date night. Whether it's something as simple as dinner and a movie, or if you two get all dressed up and paint the town red. The best idea I can think of is, have one of 'those dates'...think back to the beginning and do something that you two used to love early on. For me and T, it's going to the movie theater, especially on a weekday afternoon. We'd get the theater basically to ourselves because it was a work day and....nuff said

Another thought....and again, please, I am not trying to judge anything, I just wonder if it might be a possibility. You mention that your boyfriend is having issues with lasting due to inexperience, and that he himself hasn't been a part of the arrangement for long. How 'old' is the arrangement on the part of you and your husband? Is it fairly new, or have you approached it this way all along? Is it at all possible that you or your husband could be changing your mind about it, and it's manifesting this way?

[ductapefaerie]

I'm pretty sure it's not just because of my boyfriend...my hubby and I have been like this for a while.

And the arrangement is fairly new in respect to having a boyfriend. Girls had always been okay, which is great, but I'd never really been interested in any guys before. We'd been toying with the idea for a long time, though. And my hubby is definitely still interested in sex with me; it's just hard for me to get in the mood at all; part of this may be because he doesn't have much patience on the foreplay front most of the time...definitely need to work on that.

But I love the idea of going back and doing something we used to do, datewise. We try to every once in a while, but we haven't gone on a date in a good bit. We'll have to see if this works. ^_^

[EvilEvilKitten]

As a bona fide polyandrous woman who has been married to the same man for 33 years now and has three lovers each of 5 yrs standing, you are experiencing a transitional period in your relationship with your husband.

You are in lust with your lover (very nice) but have yet to understand fully how this will change your relationship with your husband with whom you are entering the Attachment phase of your relationship.

So, I will adivse you to do several things:

1. nevermind if you're aroused every time- - relax. Anxiety is the great killer of happy enjoyable sex. Erotic massage and Body worship will go a long way to curing this. FOREPLAY IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!! I am very surprised he hasn't learned this! A minimum of 22 minutes, according to the research is required. Find and read and then do The Program - see above. as for the lover, practice, practice, practice is what will help him.

2. Reserve something for your husband. He has first position and is the sire of your child(ren) - he is therefore special and deserves being given primacy of place. Yes, this matters to men. If he says 'not', he's lying through his teeth to preserve your ego - so don't listen to him. some women in the Lifestyle do not permit sleepovers - that is, the lover sleeps elsewhere and she sleeps only with her husband. Others do not kiss their lovers and playmates. It is up to you what you choose but choose something intimate like cuddling or going on 'dates' which is an excellent idea.

3. Get rest, nutrition, time off when you can be alone, recognise when you begin feeling stressed out and stop it by changing what you're doing right then - back off, re-orient yourself, and then come back into the situation; make sure you stay hydrated.

Welcome to the Lifestyle - it is about time we had more polyandrous women in here!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Pair-bonding for the 7 years it takes to raise a child is human nature. Anything beyond that is man-made. So be very careful, Buck; the research done into human sexuality disproves what you said.

[ductapefaerie]

EEK, thank you so much for the advice...I was hoping it was simply a transition period, and it's starting to seem as though that's what it is. Hopefully, life isn't deceiving me and it continues on this route. Glad to know there are fellow polys out there! ^_^

[EvilEvilKitten]

Patience and understanding is required if one is going to be poly. Go gently and all should be well.