Spicing it up

[Lei]

I've been with my husband for 12 years and i love him very much, however it has to be said that our sex life isn't the most adventurous in the world.

His sex life before me was limited a couple of partner's but no long term relationship or anything which got past the basic's. I've had more partner's but again nothing that got past the basic's.

We have both talked about trying new things and we'd both like to add abit of spice to the relationship. However when it comes to actually doing it things get abit complicated. I think we are both abit embarressed to be honest which is silly concidering the amount of time we have been together.

I think he's open to anything but frightened to suggest things as i often shoot him down with a firm no.

I accept that much of the problem boil's down to me. When it comes to sex im just plain boring/scared/embarressed insert various words here.

I've been sexually abused in the past, something he is aware of but nothing we've ever talked about in great deal infact the only time we ever talked about it was when i was drunk once about 10 years ago. These days he acknowleges my past with passing the occasional comment like telling me it's ok he understand when i freak out over sex.

I really want to get passed this, i love him, he loves me and i know there is much more to sex then what we have.

I can't even give or recive oral sex without freaking out. I dislike it when watches me undress or makes comments about my body and the thought of dressing up in kinky underwear is enough to send me running to the hills.

It's all starting to get to me and i know it needs to change, we have a good "basic" sex life, we have sex regually and we both enjoy it but i really need to branch out into more adventrous things but im getting no-where.

Can anyone suggest some baby steps?? small things i might not find intimidating to try that may open up other things?

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you will enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people write in about. Click on the site's Home page and you will find additional information.

As for adding spice, I recommend adding to your knowledge base. Please begin by reading the many articles listed in the Index that discuss making out in all of its various ramifications. Include in your reading the articles by EEK on the Program.

These articles will give you a great deal of easy to read short bits of information to get the two of you started on a different path. Goth of you should read the articles, whether together or separately, and then discuss the information that you have learned. Keep in mind that making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. Explore and learn together.

As for being self conscious or timid, try doing things with the lights out or with a very dim night light until you gain some courage and can let down your barriers. Barriers are often the result of not being comfortable with or trusting your partner's beliefs and encouraging words. Do not worry about body image issues if you have them--not after this long history together.

Another way to get into the behaviors is to act. Become an actress for the evening and do what actor and acresses do on stage and film--act. Take on the character or persona of someone and let your inhibitions go while acting a part in a play as it were.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[lnt1103]

Just a thought....if you never sought counseling after your abuse, it may be worth looking into. It could be very helpful for a professional to assist you in processing some of the residual issues and learn--not just logically, but deep inside yourself--that your husband isn't going to put you through the kind of experience of the person from before.

[Brandye]

Get a copy of The Joy of Sex and go through it together - a little at a time. That should take care of ideas and techniques. More importantly, get counselling to help overcome the past abuse. After twelve years with one who sounds like a good guy, you should have no more fear. A counselor can help you put that behind you and enter into ventures ahead. The first time you try a striptease for him will be the hardest and mark a major milestone.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You have to understand that sexual abuse is NOT about sex but IS about power over another. Your abuser, damn him/her to Hell, has a problem AND you have made it your problem and are punishing your husband and yourself for your abuser's crime by accepting your abuser's issue with sex and making it your issue about sex. Your abuse was NOT YOUR fault. A counselor can help you. Please get one.

Sweetheart, your have been robbed of the sexuality that is your birthright.
It is time to reclaim what is rightfully yours - a sex life with your husband that is a glorious conflagration of your two souls reaffirming life itself.

I am not going to say it will be easy. But you can ovecome and win back what is yours.

Baby Steps I recommend:

1. With all of the lights ON in your bedroom, both you and your husband get undress and just stand there without speaking facing each other. When you are ready, look at him. Having looked, reach out a hand to him. Hold hands. When YOU are ready, walk into his arms and have him just gently hold you. Cry if you wish. When you are ready, put your arms around him and hold him.

The point of this exercise is Acceptance. As you are, as he is, without artifice, lingerie, excuses, pretences, without anything but reality - ACCEPT yourself.

This is important because whatever you think of yourself, forget whatever you think of yourself, HE thinks you are the MOST beautiful, the most wonderful woman in the world - that has EVER lived. REJOICE in his opinion. SHARE IT. Make HIS opinion of you yours.

2. Bodyworship - there's a sticky post about it. I recommend you two take turns exploring each other. Take your time. Go slowly. There's no rush and no rules here - you can go, and let him go, as far as you feel comfortable going. Just gradually try going a bit further in your explorations each time. With the lights at half-strength.

This is also about Acceptance but this time it is sexual in its intent. This is skin-on-skin full body contact. Find out if you do enjoy having your ankles lightly licked. Learning to enjoy the feeling of his hands, lips, body against yours in a primal way. Learning to enjoy having him beneath your lips, hands, and body - enjoying the pleasures of touch, taste, and smell of your beloved.

That is enough for you to be working on for now.
Please feel free to come back and talk with us some more.

[Lei]

Thanks guys,

I have had councilling to deal with the issues i spent 8 months of my life just after it happened in pretty much full time counciling, and then again again on and off over the years. For the most part i have delt with it, this is sort of the last hurdle now and im stuggling to get over it and there's only so much a counciler can do to help.

I think it just get's difficult because my husband can't comprehend what happened, he's understanding to a point but for the most part he just tries to ignore it i think to be fair we both ignore it most of the time.

When we do try and "get over it" my husband wants to jump to point Z and can't understand why i can't. It's not that he's not caring he is he's very loving and i know he cares for me alot he just can't comprehend the scar's something like this leaves.

We talked the other night about "trying new things" the very next night he's going for anal. I tell him to stop and he just looked at me compleately confused saying that he thought i wanted to try new things.

The same with oral it doens't matter how many times i've said NO every now and again he asks. When i say no he then usually tries to talk me into it and it usually end's up in many tear's because i feel guilty and i know it's a fairly normal request. Then of course he spends the next two days saying sorry because he feel's guilty for upsetting me.

I guess he's just frustrated i think we both are.. The sex life we have isn't bad, we both enjoy it i just know there could be more.

[nuttychick]

Maybe your husband would benefit from a bit of councilling too ?

[Lei]

Originally Posted by nuttychick

Maybe your husband would benefit from a bit of councilling too ?

Nar he concider's counciler's a "waste of time" it's his upbringing i guess he's old school "men dont share thier feelings" type.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Lei - ah! Your husband has not gotten past thinking of sex as 'positions'. Well, not to worry! There is help available.

Please find and read and then do The Program, a sticky post above.

Were you two aware that women have 4 hot spots? Yes! He should become skilled at stimulating each of them. Then there's female multi-orgasms and female ejaculation. - All kinds of wondrous treats in store for you both! Then, when he's mastered all of that, we will work on him having multiple orgasms.

Yeeehaw!

'Positions' are for kids!

and it is counseling and counselors, thank you! counsel is when speaking of people (like us!) and council is when speaking of things like the Local Housing Council. and dealt has an a in it

[nuttychick]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

and it is counseling and counselors, thank you! counsel is when speaking of people (like us!) and council is when speaking of things like the Local Housing Council. and dealt has an a in it

lol EKK mi bad ... I shall request a spanking later I just copied and pasted from Lei's post