Am I being possessive/jealous?

[youaintmyfriendpalooka]

Hey everyone,

I seem to be in a bit of a dilemma when it comes to my partner. Lately, we've been on rocky ground when it comes to her ex. In fact, it has been a sensitive subject since day one. They broke up about 6 months before I met her, but they were having sex after they 'broke up'. The last time they did it was about a week before we both started dating. I've been with her for about two years. The thing is they both promised they would remain friends after they broke up (I don't think having frequent sex with each other is being friends), and everythime she goes back to her home town, she has to see him because she says he is a friend. Now I do trust her, because I know that she hates cheating (two of her previous boyfriends have done it to her and she knows how much it hurt her that she couldn't do it herself).

I have tried numerous times to tell her that I don't want him around (although she doesn't see him often, but she does speak to him every few weeks), and she gets all defensive saying that she feels nothing for him. If she feels nothing for him, then why do they have to see each other? She claims that I'm trying to make her get rid of a friend, but i don't see him as a friend. Although there are a couple of her friends I don't like, I do not tell her to stop seeing them. She wasn't exactly comfortable with me still being a friend with one of my ex's (the respective ex is now back in her home country) and so I ended it because I knew the my relationship with my partner was more important to my life.

I love her dearly, to the point where I moved half-way across the world for her (and she did sort of ask for me to do that). Things were becoming fantastic before she went back to her home town and she saw him again. I didn't necessarily voice disapproval this time, but she knew I wasn't exactly happy about it. Now it's just about ruining the relationship.

Am I being too possesive? Or am I actually making a point that she doesn't see? Well if she's more interested in keeping a friendship with her ex-boyfriend, then I'll leave her, because I won't waste my time with her.

Any thoughts?

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by youaintmyfriendpalooka

Hey everyone,

I seem to be in a bit of a dilemma when it comes to my partner. Lately, we've been on rocky ground when it comes to her ex. In fact, it has been a sensitive subject since day one.

This is a red flag to me that you have insecurity issues with the situation.

They broke up about 6 months before I met her, but they were having sex after they 'broke up'. The last time they did it was about a week before we both started dating.

So? It was before you were together. What she did during that time is HER business.

I've been with her for about two years. The thing is they both promised they would remain friends after they broke up

That's their choice. Again, it was before you were together.

(I don't think having frequent sex with each other is being friends),

Who are you to judge? It is the responsibility of any person who holds your position in her life to NOT judge her, but to understand and love her unconditionally.

and everythime she goes back to her home town, she has to see him because she says he is a friend. Now I do trust her,

You do, huh? What conversation are we having again?

because I know that she hates cheating (two of her previous boyfriends have done it to her and she knows how much it hurt her that she couldn't do it herself).

'Nuff said. Trust her and relax.

I have tried numerous times to tell her that I don't want him around (although she doesn't see him often, but she does speak to him every few weeks), and she gets all defensive saying that she feels nothing for him. If she feels nothing for him, then why do they have to see each other?

Have you ever held a permanent residence away from 'home' and gone back home for a visit? Ever heard the concept of 'making the rounds'?

She claims that I'm trying to make her get rid of a friend, but i don't see him as a friend.

SHE does. And that's precisely what you're doing.

Although there are a couple of her friends I don't like, I do not tell her to stop seeing them.

Which proves this is about your insecurities about the ex.

She wasn't exactly comfortable with me still being a friend with one of my ex's (the respective ex is now back in her home country) and so I ended it because I knew the my relationship with my partner was more important to my life.

That was your choice. Did she ASK you to? My guess is not.

I love her dearly, to the point where I moved half-way across the world for her (and she did sort of ask for me to do that). Things were becoming fantastic before she went back to her home town and she saw him again. I didn't necessarily voice disapproval this time, but she knew I wasn't exactly happy about it. Now it's just about ruining the relationship.

Am I being too possesive?

Yes.

Or am I actually making a point that she doesn't see?

Does she claim to see your point? When the two of you discuss this, does she acknowledge your feelings? Is this really about, she understands how you feel, but she does it anyway (which by the way, does NOT mean she doesn't care, it just means she thinks you're being as foolish as I do)? Because the most you can do is share your concerns with her and then find a way do deal with her choices. If she's totally oblivious, that's another discussion.

Well if she's more interested in keeping a friendship with her ex-boyfriend,

Has she SAID that???? Do your best not to put words into her mouth or emotions into her heart.

then I'll leave her, because I won't waste my time with her.

If you actually ask her to make the choice, be prepared for her to walk. There are many such circumstances in which I would.

Any thoughts?

Has she given you any reason whatsoever not to trust her about this guy? If nothing has 'happened', you need to chill.

[EvilEvilKitten]

"Am I being too possessive? Or am I actually making a point that she doesn't see? Well if she's more interested in keeping a friendship with her ex-boyfriend, then I'll leave her, because I won't waste my time with her."

Your last sentence says it all. This is NOT about her and her ex. It is all about YOUR PRIDE.

YES, YOU are being possessive, controlling, and jealous.

My advice: GROW UP. But that I mean, deal effectively with your insecurities. The basis for jealousy, being controlling and possessive is the belief that YOU'RE NOT WORTHY so you want to prevent your having to compete with other males since you fear they will win since obviously you're nothing great and she could get a man anywhere.

Well, yes, that's true - she could. But she HASN'T. In spite of all the nonsense in your head, she has chosen you.

And now you're making her regret that decision?? Are you insane??

IDIOT! You're fighting a nonexistent war that will only get you kicked to the curb by a girlfriend who wished you had the courage to trust her and to trust in the love she felt for you. All you have been showing her is you grasping onto her tightly screaming "mine, mine, mine" like some two year-old child not yet out of diapers.

Either man up or get out knowing that the fault was yours.

[Brandye]

And, now, an alternative view. You are showing signs of jealousy. Bad, bad. She is also not letting go of a previous relationship that is certainly getting the way of her relationship with you. Worse, worse.

The only way to end a romantic/sexual relationship is with a clean break. You can still be friends but the regular contact, both in person and telephonic, is what is being the problem. The two of you need to establish the limits of "friendship" and it would be worth your while to have a professional referee that discussion.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Well, that's one view. But why should SHE throw this friendship out of the window? How else is HE going to tell HER, to whom he isn't married, how to live her life??

If she begins caving into HIS every FEAR, where is it going to end??

Is he going to begin telling her how to dress - so as to not be attractive just in case she draws masculine eyes - would THAT be okay too??? This is how ABUSE begins.

Breaking off the 'romantic' does NOT, of necessity, mean breaking off the friendship. Not if EVERYONE is a mature adult.

For HIS own sake, he has to STOP this jealousy right now - for it will doom every relationship he will ever have. His love will become a prison in which he expects her to sacrifice everything for him - even her life. More often than not dying at his hands.

[lnt1103]

Ok I just re-read this, and it has finally clicked that these two have been together for TWO FRICKEN YEARS. What on earth has taken you so long to give up the jealousy over this ex????

[Brandye]

And why is she still hung up on visits and regular calls from a two year ex?

[EvilEvilKitten]

You have to stop thinking and focusing upon this guy as "the Ex". He is a friend and the last time I looked, there was no term limit on friendship.

[curious Al]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Well, that's one view. But why should SHE throw this friendship out of the window? How else is HE going to tell HER, to whom he isn't married, how to live her life??

If she begins caving into HIS every FEAR, where is it going to end??

Is he going to begin telling her how to dress - so as to not be attractive just in case she draws masculine eyes - would THAT be okay too??? This is how ABUSE begins.

Breaking off the 'romantic' does NOT, of necessity, mean breaking off the friendship. Not if EVERYONE is a mature adult.

For HIS own sake, he has to STOP this jealousy right now - for it will doom every relationship he will ever have. His love will become a prison in which he expects her to sacrifice everything for him - even her life. More often than not dying at his hands.

- WOW! EvilKitty, you must be a few chapters further in the book than the rest of us! Sure, what your saying is true and does happen to alot of people out there. But I think that "dying at his hands" is a ridiculous thing to say when hes just said hes jealous over an ex-boyfriend!!!! -


I somewhat agree with you. I wouldnt be too happy if there is frequent contact considering he was an ex, if he was just a friend then it would be a different circumstance. Others here would say that its jealous and to get over it, sure, you should get over it, but you probably wont because your a normal person with an active mind. You'll question the situation, and most likely in this circumstance, come to the negative conclusion. Maybe to "prepare" yourself for a bad senario. In all likeliness, if she does "hate cheating" like you say, you would look like the fool for doubting her. I honestly dont blame you, i would probably feel the exact same way. I guess (as some have demanded you grow up) have a talk, and let her know how you feel without the conversation getting heated. Just let her know how it makes you feel and leave it at that, im sure she'll reflect on it at some point and show some understanding. Obviously, if its too much to handle, you could break up. But would you want that to happen over this?!

[EvilEvilKitten]

EX means exactly that - OVER AND DONE WITH - so while you may object to my verbiage, what I said remains true.

JEALOUSY = LOSER and there is no other definition possible - regardless of the gender being jealous.

Because this is what a jealous person is really saying:

1. I am insecure, unworthy, and have no self-esteem.
2. I do not trust you nor do I believe it when you say you love me.
3. I need to control you to feel safe, secure, and good about myself.

Got it?