Why Is He Doing This To Me?

[MissCarmen]

Well my guy and I have been having some issues with fidelity as some of you have read from my older posts. I thought we had been working on moving forward from these things. My grandmother recently fell ill and I have been taking care of her, my daughter, going to school. It has been emotionally and physically draining. Today he calls and tells me he thinks we need to take a break because he was asking me where I was and accusing me of things and I got an attitude with him. I feel so hurt, he wants to do this to me now when I really don't have much of a support system. Why now?

[dancingdoc2]

Because he has a controlling personality and isn't that into you, as the saying goes.

If he was not controlling, he would be supportive. If he was into you, he would have trust and be supportive. Better you learn these characteristics now, than later.

Dating is transitory. It does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses and interest in us. Dating also means we go out with lots of people in order to sample and learn about different characteristics and characters so that when Mr./Ms. Right does come along we will know more about what we want and value in a potential mate, as well as recognize when that person crosses our path.

So, as far as I can tell from your account is that it would be better to move on. If you have been having on going problems with the relationship and have not found solutions by now, then this is a poor sign. Couple who are right for one another may have disagreements that can be negotiated and compromised, yet the foundation is solid and there is a mutual admiration between you. This does not sound like it is the case with the two of you.

Perhaps you can enlist others like family, friends, coworkers, who can lend you the support you desire. This is one of the reasons we cultivate close friendships.

[MissCarmen]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Because he has a controlling personality and isn't that into you, as the saying goes.

If he was not controlling, he would be supportive. If he was into you, he would have trust and be supportive. Better you learn these characteristics now, than later.

Dating is transitory. It does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses and interest in us. Dating also means we go out with lots of people in order to sample and learn about different characteristics and characters so that when Mr./Ms. Right does come along we will know more about what we want and value in a potential mate, as well as recognize when that person crosses our path.

So, as far as I can tell from your account is that it would be better to move on. If you have been having on going problems with the relationship and have not found solutions by now, then this is a poor sign. Couple who are right for one another may have disagreements that can be negotiated and compromised, yet the foundation is solid and there is a mutual admiration between you. This does not sound like it is the case with the two of you.

Perhaps you can enlist others like family, friends, coworkers, who can lend you the support you desire. This is one of the reasons we cultivate close friendships.

i have no friends i want some so bad.

[WhateverHappens]

i think personally, coming from a teenager who's been through quite a lot. all you need is someone who will listen to you so you can get some of those feeling out in the open. if you seriously can't find anyone just talk to me. i'll listen and try to help you

[MissCarmen]

He said he was dating down by dating me and that he gave me pride. He called me all kinds of whores, bitches, tramps, nasty, you name it. He said I deceived him.

[dancingdoc2]

Well, that's not good. So, how much longer do you want to listen to this crap and put up with this derogatory behavior?

My guess is that he will not change and he will not end the relationship because he is comfortable where he is with it. If the relationship is not filling your needs then you end it and continue to date and find Mr. Right. Do not for a minute think that he will change or that you can change him. These will very likely not come to pass.

No friends. Well, this, again, requires you to be proactive. Go to church and become involved in their activities. If you require help with your grandmother, perhaps there will be someone or two who can help you. If your grandmother requires full time care, then this takes a minimum of four people, three full time, one parttime. If she simply requires some checking in on or only a few hours care and support then figure on one other besides you.

If you have a job, then enlist coworkers to see if they can do some networking for you, both to help you find people to date, and to help with your senior care. Either way, talk to the people you do know and ask for their help. The more people you have working on your behalf, the more apt you are at finding people to date and to assist if necessary.

Whatever your decision with this boyfriend, you are the one who is going to have to look out for and advocate for you. Do not adopt the attitude of "being comfortable with the devil you know instead of the devil you don't" because there are far more princes in the world than not.

[Brandye]

If you continue to hang around him, you will find no friends. It is time to take count of your support net (friendship ring, whatever) and interests. Some changes are in order including your dependency upon him. He is an abusive jerk and it is likely many potential friends will not want to be near him.

[LustyLisa]

Excuse me but anyone who says to me that they are dating "down" to date me would never get the oportunity to pick me up. Who is this guy, royalty or some big shot aristocrat? Dating down, oh please that's one sorry SOB who's a legend own his own narcisiticcly warped mind!!
Now, why do you tolerate such disrespect and treatment? Do you believe his self promoting and self afirming BS? At some level do you believe his propoganda against you, your lifestyle and your social standing? You must because you keep letting him shovel his s*** down your throat. You teach people how to treat you and you've taught him pretty well how to (mis)treat you. Everytime you fail to assert yourself against his attempts to degrade and control you, you are bassiccly giving the dictator more athority and while reducing your self esteem and sense of personal worth. Your biggest fear shouldn't be "why is he doing this to me". Controlling behavior can easily esculate become abusive and abusive behavior can lead to your death or serious injury. Do you remember the Nicole Simpson/Ron Goldman case? She an Ron was brutally slaughtered by an angry, controlling EX husband. A person who to this day thinks he's above the law, which he surely must be to a point because he got away with it. Thankfully his dream legal team as well as the Goldman's civil suit took the largest portion of his wealth. Needless to say, you have to decide that you are better and deserve better. His biggest fear is that you'll find a backbone and stand up to him.
If you can't take time away to care for an ill and aged Grandmother without accusations of infidelity and threats to "take a break", he's the one with the real problem and I say you should give him a break. PERMANATLY! Let the king of swine rule the farm alone!

[MissCarmen]

Originally Posted by LustyLisa

Excuse me but anyone who says to me that they are dating "down" to date me would never get the oportunity to pick me up. Who is this guy, royalty or some big shot aristocrat? Dating down, oh please that's one sorry SOB who's a legend own his own narcisiticcly warped mind!!
Now, why do you tolerate such disrespect and treatment? Do you believe his self promoting and self afirming BS? At some level do you believe his propoganda against you, your lifestyle and your social standing? You must because you keep letting him shovel his s*** down your throat. You teach people how to treat you and you've taught him pretty well how to (mis)treat you. Everytime you fail to assert yourself against his attempts to degrade and control you, you are bassiccly giving the dictator more athority and while reducing your self esteem and sense of personal worth. Your biggest fear shouldn't be "why is he doing this to me". Controlling behavior can easily esculate become abusive and abusive behavior can lead to your death or serious injury. Do you remember the Nicole Simpson/Ron Goldman case? She an Ron was brutally slaughtered by an angry, controlling EX husband. A person who to this day thinks he's above the law, which he surely must be to a point because he got away with it. Thankfully his dream legal team as well as the Goldman's civil suit took the largest portion of his wealth. Needless to say, you have to decide that you are better and deserve better. His biggest fear is that you'll find a backbone and stand up to him.
If you can't take time away to care for an ill and aged Grandmother without accusations of infidelity and threats to "take a break", he's the one with the real problem and I say you should give him a break. PERMANENTLY! Let the king of swine rule the farm alone!

Well I did not call him right away and when I told him why he started accusing me of spending time with a dude. He says my sick grandmother has nothing to do with this. We have been having issues and because of it he does not trust me at all and like the night before everything was fine, he was telling me how he admires me for taking care of my grandma and going to spend time with her. Then it was like wow, all of this because I did not call you right away. He said I could call him during the "break" but I do not think I will, I need to get my mind right.

[Brandye]

You need to get away from him is what you need. Then you will find a miraculous recovery of your mind.