The ol' high/low libido

[FreakPower70]

I know this has probably seem like it has been done to death, but I looked through some of the old threads and didn't seem to find what I was looking for.

My story is that I have been with my girlfriend for four years and we have had our ups and downs. My sex drive has always been high and now that we are growing ever closer it is getting alot higher, she could turn me on just by holding my hand! Thing is, she is almost never in the mood, she likes sex, but she is never in the mood. On top of that I feel like it is impossible to turn her on, I try so many different things and just end up feeling... well rejected and not very attractive in her eyes (though she says I am attractive). I have asked what turns her on and she tells me she doesn't really know.

She has some body image issues and says she is a little ashamed of sex but doesn't know why. I dunno if she sees it as a big problem (that she is ashamed). She says it hurts sometimes when I do it and I don't know if it is my technique or her body. She has only masturbated a couple times and says it also makes her feel ashamed.

Our routine is that I give her oral then we have vaginal intercourse then we lay there for a bit. Don't get me wrong, what we do is fine and good but I still want to do more, to give her multiple orgasms, to have vaginal intercourse more than once in a sitting and to change it up a bit. She tells me after recieving oral once she is tired and it starts to hurt if I keep going, again I dunno if it is her or me, am I doing something wrong, is it just her body?

I crave her like never before, I am masturbating sometimes several times a day here and am growing ever more frustrated. I dunno what do. I am not saying it is tearing a hole in our relationship but it is hard. I love the physical feeling and the loving feeling I get from that time we spend together and would like to do it much more often. I am at my wits end.

Oh yeah, last thing, wanted to say I am 24 and she is 21. I deffinitly have a higher sex drive now then when I was a teen.

[hazel]

What does she say when she turns you down? How often do you ask her? Do you pop the question on her, or do you suggest it after a bit of caressing and kissing?


I can't speak for men, but for women, the brain is an essential sexual organ. If she starts out feeling not-so-interested, self conscious, uncomfortable, or anxious, she won't get as aroused as she could be. And ironically, when we're not completely aroused, it's when we have lubrication problems, difficulty climaxing, and less sensitivity.

She has some body image issues and says she is a little ashamed of sex but doesn't know why. I dunno if she sees it as a big problem (that she is ashamed).She has only masturbated a couple times and says it also makes her feel ashamed.

It sounds to be like she is not comfortable with her own body. It's not unusual for a teen or early-20s woman to have some self-image issues. Sadly the culture we live in make it impossible for a woman to be pretty, skinny, sexy, successful, and desirable enough. You can help her somewhat with this, but she's got to be willing to believe in the changes. Be patient and reassuring, but don't blame yourself if she doesn't change right away.

Suggestion: Can you increase the frequency of giving sincerely compliments, being careful to make them about her beauty & charm and not about sex? If you're thinking of giving her a gift sometime, perhaps something that makes her feel good about her body? What that is may depend on her, but a visit to a day spa seems to be something the women I know enjoy. You goal should be to make her feel your love, so whatever you do, don't let her think this is about getting sex more often.

How is her stress level otherwise? How is her satisfaction with the relationship, other than in bed? Why not spend some time bonding and being intimate with her without the sex?

I might also suggest learning how to do full-body massage. Do it with your own clothes on and trying to hold back your own arousal. The goal is to slowly explore her body, bringing her pleasure and relaxation. This will help release stress holding her back. It'll help remove her possible anxiety about you only touching her for sex. And the better her body feels, the better she ought to feel about enjoying it.

My other suggestion is to throw the routine away. Kiss and cuddle and just see where things go. Nobody needs to give/receive oral every time or have X number of climaxes per day. If she's feeling confident enough, can you let her take the lead? Or can you try making out but not touching her breasts or crotch until she puts your hand there? Do it sometime when you're both well rested and have plenty of time. Just explore each other. There are some really good ideas on this site about things to do.

Have you sat her down and had a talk with her? Do put the emphasis on her happiness, the bonding/intimacy, and her feelings... not on the obvious frustration you're feeling. Please also understand that a woman's libido can drop due to stress (physical or emotional), illness, hormone imbalances, and drug side effects. Open up lines of communication; working together, see if the two of you can't figure something out.

She tells me after recieving oral once she is tired and it starts to hurt if I keep going, again I dunno if it is her or me, am I doing something wrong, is it just her body?

If you made her climax, she may just be sensitive for awhile and this is normal. If you didn't make her climax, it may be that she's getting overstimulated. Either way, just give her a break.

The other question about pain concerning sex: it could be she's not fully physically aroused, which can cause discomfort and irritation during penetration. Hard thrusting (esp when the woman isn't so into it) can also cause discomfort. If it's pain during and following sex, that can also be something she wants to talk to her gyn doctor about.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Very nice and all of that but it isn't the answer.

Look, she's been brought up to think sex is dirty and that women who enjoy it are sluts. She's been robbed. Yet you expect her to turn into some sort of sex kitten.

Stop trying to get her into bed. Instead try to get her to TALK about it. Ask her how she was brought up. What church did her family attend? Ask questions and just accept the answers. What your want is a frank and honest discussion about what her internal policies are. Do not accept "I don't know." She does know. She may not be able to put it into words and/or she may not be comfortable talking to you about them - but she does know what they are.

Frankly, I'd be amazed if she didn't have body issues. I sincerely doubt that she's ever had an orgasm. If she had, she'd know this was a huge problem. Guy, she has been systematically robbed of her birthright. Help the lady out here.

TALK TO HER.

[FreakPower70]

Thanks for the answers thus far. I am no expert in this domain but have done my best to be informed. I have tried massages and such but it kind of puts her to sleep (she likes it, just in the way that it relaxes her to sleep). Our relationship isn't perfect, we are working through some hard times but growing closer. Thanks for the advice hazel.

EEK, I agree with alot of what you say, I have always thought she had body issues, I myself have body issues (with me not her, I think her bod is just perfect), her solution was always just to loose weight until satisfied but the goal became further and further away. First 5 pounds then another and now she is working on another. I am not sure why she is ashamed of sex, her upbringing was not religious and her mother is pretty frank about that sort of stuff.

She has claimed to have orgasmed and I am inclined to believe her.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Doesn't matter if religious or not, she still may have issues with sex. She did tell you she thought sex was dirty and shaming. Listen to her.

It also sounds like she's anorexic with "another 5 pounds" as her goal. This is a SERIOUS issue and she needs to get herself to the doctors - NOW. She's slowly committing suicide with this one.

[FreakPower70]

I get where your coming from EEK. Don't think I haven't tried to talk about it before but I don't really know how... it has never really worked.

Plus she tells me she feels sex is wrong, she knows it isn't but feels like it is.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You have but to ask 1. does she see this as a problem? and 2. if so, will she help you with this? 3. If not, then does she mind if you go out and find satisfaction eslewhere?

Yes, it may sound like putting a gun to her head, but, dammit, sex really is just that serious and if she's not willing to see your point of view and to help work it out then maybe she just isn't the right woman for you.

[FreakPower70]

Yeah, she does see this as a problem and she is willing to help. It's a big start!

[EvilEvilKitten]

That's actually the most difficult step in the process.
Now find couple's therapy!

[FreakPower70]

You really think couples therapy in necessary?