Had a vasectomy years ago, how do I tell her?

[whitehorse]

I've been keeping a secret from my girlfriend of over 2 1/2 years. Before we met, I had a vasectomy but I haven't told her (or anyone else) about it. I feared that it would give me the appearance of someone who was running around having one-night stands and being irresponsible. Truth is, I do not want children (she knows this) and the overwhelming fear of getting a woman pregnant was keeping me from being intimate. I've only been with 2 before her (1 pre-vas when I was 28, 1 post). Still used a condom for other "safety" purposes) This has been a good, healthy relationship that I want to continue, but fear this revelation will kill it. We're both 35 and I was 31 when I had the procedure. Every time she puts in her diaphragm, (her preferred method of birth control) I get that twinge of guilt... For medical reasons, it would be dangerous for her to become pregnant. Should this relationship end someday without me telling her, I don't want her thinking that birth control is working perfect when its not needed with me.

[Brandye]

She will probably be relieved to realize that she is not a t risk and to be able to stop watching a greasy diaphragm bouncing around the bathroom. Say exactly what you said here. You are in agreement about no children, so no harm is being done. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes.

[hazel]

First off, KUDOS for taking this big step in being responsible. More men should be like you! And she should understand and appreciate that you were taking the best possible precaution to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

I wouldn't make it a big deal. She already knows you don't want kids, and she is presumably ok with it. Just sit her down one day and let the conversation wander towards talking about the future. What are her goals? Is she ok with you not wanting kids? Then just tell her you can't have kids.

She may be upset that you held back this tidbit of information, but she'll get over that. Just be understanding if she makes some fussing. Reassure her there are no other big things you haven't yet told her. I do feel it's important to tell her because it's something she had been worrying about (evidenced by the diaphragm) and it's not really fair she should've been worrying if she didn't need to.

Personally, if my bfriend told me he got a vasectomy, I'd do a dance of joy. No more worries about "accidents"! That is such a big burden for woman who aren't wanting kids.

I hope you'll come back and let us know how your talk went. Good luck to you!

[maupassant]

Yes, indeed, well done. Keep us posted.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Finally she finds the man she wants and he fits her requirements precisely and you think she'll be angry?!?!?

Does that even make sense to you?

[whitehorse]

ok, we'll see how this goes. It won't be till some time next month though. We're both dealing with things outside of the realtionship and don't need any extra "drama" at the moment.

thanks for the advice and support!

[EvilEvilKitten]

You're welcome!

[whitehorse]

She broke up with me.

It wasn't over the vas though. She decided that I just wasn't "the one"

During the break up talk I told her about the vas, she did wish I had brought it up sooner. (me too) But she wasn't horrified by the matter, though VERY suprised. Then again it doesn't really matter now anyhow....

It was just last night....I want my angel back!! (sob, sob, sob)

This was the first real, good relationship I've had. I hurt like hell. No man should cry like this. I know these things happen, but it doesn't help much.

[dancingdoc2]

Breaking up is seldom easy; although it is probably most difficult the younger a person is.

Here are a couple of articles to read:

DATING--Rules: how to and how not to

Exclusivity vs. Dating Around

It will require some time to get over this, no doubt, yet go out there and find someone else to date.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

go out there and find someone else to date.

I disagree with doing this JUST YET. At some point you'll have to, but I wouldn't this soon after the end of a 2.5 year relationship.

IMHO, from the experience of a relationship ending out of the clear blue sky after 4.5 years--take some time without the opposite sex on your radar screen. Relocate the parts of you that are just you, without your ex involved. Rediscover who you are when she's not around. There is so much of you right now, that can't help but have revolved around her over the last two and a half years. You need to find you again, without her, and get comfortable in your own unattached-to-someone skin before you can be successful in another real relationship.

Some will tell you to go get laid to prove to yourself you're still desirable. If you're up for it, go for it, but don't expect it to be anything more than rebound.