when the woman's libido is much higher than his, in a long-term relationship?

[hazel]

What advice can you give to a woman who seems to have a higher libido than her partner? He's 30, & I'm a few years older. It's always been this way (my libido is stronger), but the older I get the more I realize we have a problem.

Background: We have no kids. We're both in good health. He has no hang-ups, religious prohibitions on sex, or other inhibitions. We just have his work schedule plus a roommate which cuts into our 'alone' time.

We love each other and are very happy otherwise.

It's the sexual interactions: days, sometimes weeks go by, without any sort of sexual interaction. I'm a very giving person, and I'd be happy giving him a quickie or a BJ. He seems to ignore my offers. I know he's tired after work. I don't mind working around his schedule, doing all the "work", or not worrying if I don't climax. I enjoy any sort of activity alone with him, and I am content doing whatever it is he's in the mood for.

I think many men would love a woman so loyal, dedicated to his pleasure, uninhibited, and fun in bed... does he not appreciate me?!

I've tried to spice things up. I don't mind oral, anal, doing it unusual places, outdoors, sexy undressing, toys, letting him watch me masturbate, movies, you name it. I am very comfortable with my sexuality, and I've never found a man I could not please. I've asked him his fantasies, but he says he has none. I've even gone so far as to suggest to him that I might consider a 3-some if it would excite him, but he seemed noncommittal. I enjoy slow foreplay, giving massage, or just plain cuddling if that's all he wants.

The dilemma is that we're now in a bit of a spiral. The more time that goes by between any sort of intimate interaction, the more I yearn for it. I find myself getting a little too assertive (even pushy?). I end up feeling like I am pressuring him, and I don't want to do that. Sometimes I feel ashamed I want it so much. Some nights I end up so frustrated I can't sleep with his sexy body laying along side me, and as soon as he dozes off, I leave and go find something distracting to do. Also, I'm sneaking off to masturbate more often, which takes the edge off, but it never replaces the sensations & emotion I'm missing out on. The situation is wearing on me and nibbling away at my self esteem. I feel... rejected... and I don't know why.

We talked about it. He doesn't understand. He says he's "here" whenever I want to do intimate things. However, he's just as likely to watch keep watching sports as it he is to notice me standing in front of the tv with shirt off and my nice big breasts out. Once in a blue moon he'll be assertive and ravish me, and I'll feel so satisfied. But most of the time the mood just doesn't seem to strike him. When I initiate, he loves it: he's never had impotency, he always climaxes without difficulty, no premature ejaculation or other problems.

He gets a physical exam for work each year, so there's nothing obvious that would cause this. Maybe a low-level depression? I've tried to gently ask about health reasons he may have a lower libido, but he refuses to talk to any doctors about it.

He's such a great guy otherwise. When we do have sex, it's AMAZING, both physically and emotionally.

FYI, I don't think he's cheating. He's at work 12 hours a day, then comes straight home. If anything, he spends all his energy on his work and I feel sometimes has nothing left for me. He can't cut back on the work hours without quitting the job, and quitting is not an option.

So why I am left wanting? Am I bad person for wanting it more than once a week or two? And if I don't initiate every time, we've literally gone almost a month before anything happened.

If a guy is 30 and healthy, is it normal for him to turn down sexual things so much?

What am I not understanding? Perhaps I just need a different perspective on things.

[maupassant]

I think the first thing you must understand is that you are a 'dream' of a lady. Most if not all guys would give their eye-teeth for a lass like you. So, don't you dare go down the route of 'am I good enough for him?' or 'is there anything more I can do?'.
All I can suggest is that you keep on talking. As long as you do that, there is always the chance that he will realise he is so very very lucky.
If that does not get the desired results, then maybe you will have to move into an area where there is some professional advice taken. However, that would have to be mutually agreeable. I do so hope you solve these problems.

[lnt1103]

With him working so much, I suppose there's no way for you two to take a relaxing getaway....?

What I think I'm hearing from you is that, it doesn't feel like enough to have him willing whenever you initiate. You need HIM to want it from YOU as often as you want it from him. That's how we are--we need to feel desired. We need to know there are times they're just as horny for us as we are for them.

I agree with Mau. Keep the lines of communication open.

[wet_suit_one]

This is rough and unfair! WHy aren't you (or a woman like you in my life!!! WAAAA!!!)

Ok, enough of the self pity.

On to the important thing. Your guy works too much and is tired. Lousy, just lousy. Can't leave the job for now. Lousy just lousy. Has a great woman that he doesn't have the energy to appreciate properly. Lousy, just lousy.

You've talked about it, and let him know it's important to you. Maybe he doesn't fully understand the road he's on. Show him this:

When Sex Leaves the Marriage - Well Blog - NYTimes.com

and he may begin to understand the seriousness of the issue. I don't think you're where these folks are at yet, but given time and no change, you may well be there.

In the meantime, I can only suggest understanding, further talk and discussion. Heck show him your post. You've been very frank with us about how you feel, have you told him? Told him that you feel rejected and are sad?

Wow, this is just so unfortunate... A guy has the jackpot and he's about to throw it away. It's all so.... human.

Sigh...

[EvilEvilKitten]

"It has always been this way."

Yes, you have a problem - YOU. You have chosen to remain with a man whose interest in sex and whose sex drive is incompatible with your own. WHY?

Look at what he has told you thus far:

1. It is not my problem
2. I'm not going to change
3. There's nothing wrong with me.
4. I don't care that you're unhappy.
5. I am happy with the way things are now.

So, I ask you again - WHY are you still there?
The ugly facts are that as you get older, your sex drive will ramp up and go through the roof while his...well, it isn't going to get any better than it is now.

[maupassant]

Well, a different appraisal and approach than the previous posts EEK, but a perfectly valid one. One hopes that the lady gets a result either by carrot or by stick!
We blokes are all agreed that she certainly ticks all the boxes for us!!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Nope - it is always the same.

Accept what you have.
or
Divorce.
or
See what you can do to change the relationship.

She has tried changing to no avail.
So now it is the other two options.
Stay and be happy with what she has or Divorce.

Mau - I am sure she does but just as women hate 'pushy' men so to do men hate 'pushy' women - esp when he has gotten it into his head that he'll never be able to satisfy her. Talk about Performance Anxiety! So is her desire "to win over/change him" greater than her desire to find someone she doesn't have to beg/demand/cajole/tempt into having sex with her? Seems like she's doing a lot of work for very little return.

[Rouge]

If anything, you should be rejoicing. Hundreds of guys would kill to be in the same situation. Look at all of the threads on here where the wife refuses sex!

My suggestion: Ditch the pants and start building your own libido. The more you have, the more you want!

[hazel]

Hearing from others that I'm not crazy helped quite a bit. I put my foot down and this time when we talked, I didn't feel bad for standing firm on saying I need certain things out of a relationship.

He confessed he has had a fear the relationship might turn into a sex-focused one, because the sex is above average for both of us. If I understand him correctly, he's been putting the brakes on things to force us to spend time doing other activities. Well, we tried it his way for the past 9 yrs and it's not working, so something's got to change. He's promised to do his best to let go of this fear, so time will tell.

Thanks everyone for helping me put this into perspective.

I do feel like he doesn't appreciate how good he has it. I see him trying. He just doesn't get it when it comes to some things.

The ugly facts are that as you get older, your sex drive will ramp up and go through the roof while his...well, it isn't going to get any better than it is now."

He's about 7 yrs younger than me. When we first met he was age 19-20, so I admittedly was intrigued by his youthful energy. It's harder to date guys more than about 7-10 years younger. I'd feel like I'd be robbing the cradle.

The dilemma about quitting a relationship because sex isn't very frequent: if I become single, I'll end up with zero sex. Zero is definitely no fun!

[maupassant]

"The dilemma about quitting a relationship because sex isn't very frequent: if I become single, I'll end up with zero sex. Zero is definitely no fun![/QUOTE]

This I just do not believe. I hope it all works out for you, but NO WAY will you be without a sexual relationship.

Good luck.