having a problem

[thefamilye]

hi i am new at this so please bear with me
my husband and i have been married for 25 yrs. and yes theirs problems (his depression and our sex life) lately our sex life has been sooooooo much better ( lasting nearly 1 hour if not more before 10 mins tops but that was more my fault i didnt want it anymore but know i do) anyways when we make love know i seem to beable to cum 2-4 times some big some small, but he just cant seem to come. after awhile he goes soft but not limp and just cant not matter how hard i try to make him.
now some could be his meds but i was wondering if it could be something else.
like i said we do have our problems but we are trying to work on it.
one problem is another woman but swears nothing is going on between them

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that address the most common questions and concerns people express. If you go to the site's Home page, you will find additional information.

Please tell us what meds your husband is on. This might be of benefit to the medical people of our community who contribute their ideas and thoughts.

What is he mad about? Often this is a cause for depression. If not, does he have any idea? Why another woman? What is with this from his report or your ideas? I can tell you my idea, yet it does not matter without knowing what is really going on inside your relationship.

It is great that you are working on the issues. If necessary, seek counseling or read Dr. Phil McGraw's, book: "Relationship Rescue".

I look forward to learning more on this matter.

[Brandye]

You raise many problems. Many women at menopause experience greatly increased libido - freedom from pregnancy, whatever. This could be giving you a different perspective. Another woman always warps things. As Doc points out, meds are a common problem with male response and capability.

[thefamilye]

the meds hes on are for his heart plavax, some high blood presser, depression, im sory there is about 10 all togeather.
the other woman come into the picture about 6 months ago, i was so nieve that i never seen it coming. he swears up and down nothing happened and so does she.
now he wants us to be friends( i guess their friend started with the depression she has it also) when my eyes finally opened i think it was almost to late, but like i said he says nothing happened ( he did tell her he like her ALOT but could not say the words). my husband and i are trying to work it out know and have talked( still wants to see her and when hes depressed and can not see her he gets real mad) but anyways we are trying and when it comes to sex its never been better except for the one thing him not being able to cum.
i have tryed differant ways and now hes starting to get upset he cant( before he would after 10-15 min at the most)
when hes going down on me or i him hes hard as a rock, but when he goes to climb on top or me on top hes goes limp pretty fast.
i starting to worry if its me he says he loves me and wants only me but i cant help to think.

[dancingdoc2]

OH! prey tell, something did happen!

Maybe not sex, maybe not romance, but certainly something. What? His interest in a third party no matter how innocent. His emotional interest in you was deflected. That happened and it is as important and as damaging as having sex.

Why did he need this other person? More often than not it is not for the sex, it is for the emotional connection that he believes is lacking elsewhere. Something else to think about is if this is the reason, why did he chose to divert his time and attention instead of spending that time working on what was troubling on the home front? Think about this,

[thefamilye]

ok i'll try to make this short
9 yrs ago my husband hurt hisback and is unable to work.
5 yrs ago we took in our granddaughter and is raiseing her ( we both do not blame this little girl its not her fault it her mothers our daughter never grew up and father never wanted her)
between the 5-9 yrs our sex life went down hill not his fault he always wanted it i never did and when i did i was happy with only a few minutes.
now i still work a 40 hrs a week job and it is easy to do but i was still so tired after work i didnt want anything just to hurry up and put my g.daughter to bed and relax by myself. my husband would be in the bed room watching tv and playing the computer when i was in the living room doing the same thing sometimes we were watching the same thing.
thats how bad it got. our sex life went down to maybe 1 time a month if he was lucky.
now with in those years we founf out he has depression,heart problems,high blood pressure,clestrol
his drepression gets real bad at time that i cant do anythng but walk away sometimes he was to die.
our marraige was a friendship at best.he has talked loudly about leaving me but didnt becouse of our g.daughter
now my husband had to take our g.d. to school doc appt. he became mr. mom with her. while he was taking our g.d. to school he started a friendship with another mother they had their depression in commen and the kids.
about 3 mths before school was out her car broke down and he started to drive her home and to school- again i knew this and didnt think to much only about we dont have the gs to take out kid to school besides another one who out of your way by 6 miles- hurting for money
so for a few months he would be going over there 1 day then 2 days then 3 and so on.
finaly one night he yelled like he never yelled before and my eyes opened right up
i i asked him about her and he said he has some very strong felling for her ( he does open up that easy) so i knew something was going on.
he said nothing has ever happened or ever will ( from the very begining hes wanted us all her husband also to become friends we have no married couples as friend and i dont go out)
he also said hes never told her how he felt. i asked him if he wants to make this marraige work and he said yes( not sounding to happy)
i
the first 2 wks were great we would have sex every other day, i asked him to stay away from her and he said he would,but after 2 weeks he got bad news and became depressed and would only talk to her, i tryed but he would say a word to me,and i also found out he was still talking to her
durning this time i finaly meet her and found out alot of this like he did tell her how he felt "you know how i feel about you and i cant say those word " ( now he said he also say becouse i love my wife too much)
he said he never touched her and he rubbed her ass, she said she told him no way and it never happened again so thats 2 little lies he told and i take them as big lies.she has told me her own marriege is on some rocky ground she had a affair last year and she told my husband she would never do that again and he understands
after i comfrounted him about this with her their he ansewer the questions and left very quit, later that night hegot plastered drank and did some off his pain med( he was at a concert) and kept calling her ( he did that a week earlyier when her was at a concert with our son kept texting her and never called me) she would call me and tell me what was happening, she said she kept telling him to call me to let me know how he was and he sain fuck me he could care less, he wanted to know why she never told him how she felt and she said she did , but all he kept saying is why didnt you tell me. he did come home that night about 5 am. he also kept calling her his BEST FRIEND
for the next 1 1/2wks.
the other woman help me get him out of this depression ( i show say she got him out he wouldnt talk to me)she finaly got him out snap out of it and work on our marraige. and that is what has happened we are working on it but he still see her and texts her after even know how i feel about it we all even went to a concert togeather i was so unconfterable all i would do is watch them to see if i could see anything
i think i started to imange thing wondring on how i should take that he even told me later he wanted to go for a walk with her just to talk( concert was outside)
now thats hes snaped out of it he seems to be more into saveing our marraige.i got a babysitter every other weekend ( we trade off weekend)we have talked more then before, our sex life is great all except for him not being able to cum
i have tryed, i go down on him and hes hard , he goes down on me hes hard ( not very hard but hard) we even started to do text sex ( i just got a phone that texts0 AND HE WOULD BE HOT AND HARD BUT AS SOON AS HE GETS ON TOP OR I GET ON TOP HE GOES LIMP PRETT FAST, i do get to cum sometime many times becouse now it last a good long time but as soon as the fore play is done limp.
im just wondering if there is something else i could do for him . i know it is getting to him and i feel guilty about it.
like i said i know his meds could have something to do but hes been taking most of them for yaers,their is a new anti drpression one 9 HE TAKES 2 DIFFERANT ONES) but that is a new pill.
i dont want for all we have worked hard for on saving us and for this to come between us.
is it me ( he doesnt want to be with and hes told me im nut to thing taht im his one and only) or deep down he still wants her and doesnt know it himself?
we have tryed it in other rooms of the house differant ways more forplay and nothing, i suggested we how off for a few days and try again (on our date night0 BUT WE CAN STILL MAKE OUT.
i thank you for listening to me go on and on but it does help knowing maybe someone is listening to me. and i am also sorry for the cap letters

[thefamilye]

i forgot to mention im 46 hes 47 almost 48 and she 37 and we both agree we think he going thre a mid-life crsis.
and i asked him if he could or would stay away from her for 1 week and he said he would try and then today i found out she watching our g.d. next week ( she does do that from time to time hes not always over there to just see her becouse money is so tight is his reason for her to babysit with it is true) WE NEVER DID SAY FOR SURE FOR HIM NOT TO SEE HER IT WAS JUST COULD OR WOULD( when i saked in the past he would get very upseet about it and start yelling this time nice and calm and would try

[EvilEvilKitten]

STOP! PLEASE STOP!

Lord, was there ever such a mess!

You are committing two fundamental errors:
1. You are fussing over some other women when there is NO NEED to do so. By this fussing you are showing him that you are insecure and that is driving him away. The constant questions, the constant bickering, the constant 'don't see her' demands. Just stop, relax, and calm down. As far as you are concerned - she isn't a rival. You are the WIFE.

Look at your husband objectively and rationally. If you divorced him tomorrow, would she pick up his option? Be realistic here - he's on major meds, he is older, he is depressed - who would want him? Would YOU want him? Maybe not. In addition to this - he cannot work and that has had a huge negative effect upon his mental state and his own self-worth as a man. Not having sex with you would only make his lack of self-worth as a man even worse. In his mind he is supposed to be providing for you both at work and in bed - and he can't.

So, understand, relax, and lay off the jealousy; it isn't doing you any good and making her look great by comparison.

2. Decide how you want to live. Decide if you love him - truly love him as he is right here and right now. If not, then begin negotiating with him - perhaps you can get it back by being loving - it can and does work btw. Otherwise divorce is your honorable option. Next, get a budget, not too tight a budget, and then stick with it. Arrange your life so it is sustainable. Find a low cost child care program that does school runs - some churches will do this for very little money. See about getting child support from your g. daughter's parents. Most lawyers do the first consult for free.

For it seems to me that your life is running you instead of you running your life.

[Brandye]

Back to the meds: Most anti-depressants and many heart drugs have sexual side-effects in men. This is such a mess that you will accomplish nothing talking to us. Either the two fo you get some counselling or walk away.

[dancingdoc2]

As Mr. Mom, is your husband doing household chores--cooking, dishes, shopping, cleaning, dusting, laundry, etc., in addition to caring for your granddaughter? If he is, and not leaving this for you to do all or in part in addition to working all day, then give the man lots of kudos and praise and find something nice to say once in a while about what you see he did, like thanking him for doing this or that.

If he is home and not carrying his weight when it comes to managing the household, then why not? Does he need lessons in how to do one or more of these tasks? If so, train him, organize him. (When my first marriage was on the rocks, my wife yelled at me in exasperation asking why I couldn't do more around the apartment. Shucks! I was raised that a man's duties were the lawn and garden and a wife's tasks were all those things inside. I had nothing to do because it was an apartment. It never entered my mind that I could and should share the inside duties. Cooking? Yes, I could make waffles, cook steak and potatoes, boil rice, make a green salad, and a few other things, although I could not prepare a meal or shop correctly, so after the divorce I went home to Mama and asked her to help--and bless her soul, she did!) I could do the laundry, and clean house, yet I had no organizational skills and did not recognize when things needed doing. I had to be taught.)

Why not get your man to the doctor for an evaluation. Explain to the doctor about his depression and how it is affecting your sex life. Maybe a shrink is needed, also.

I agree, he either needs to plug in and tune into your marriage instead of finding immediate gratification with another person, or, end it.
"A child would much rather be from a broken home than live in one." {Dr. Phil)

> HE WOULD BE HOT AND HARD BUT AS SOON AS HE GETS ON TOP OR I GET ON TOP HE GOES LIMP PRETT FAST, i do get to cum sometime many times becouse now it last a good long time but as soon as the fore play is done limp. im just wondering if there is something else i could do for him?

This does not sound like a complication due to medicines; it sounds to me (without knowing more) like a problem with methodology and technique when it comes to arousing each other properly.

I believe you stated that there was a time when you wanted your lovemaking to be quick and done with; now, you enjoy the extended sessions. My question is how are the two different? Do you understand that women require much more preparation time in the form of lots and Lots and LOTS of Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting, all before getting to Foreplay in order to become aroused and ready? Typically, at least making out and fooling around for no less than half an hour, more, within reason if time and inclination permit. Fellas can be UP, willing, and, able, within minutes, not so the fairer gender.

It just could be that in your haste to get the deed done, you missed out on the greater benefits.

> but he just cant seem to come. after awhile he goes soft but not limp and just cant not matter how hard i try to make him.

The reason I am thinking this is not a problem related to meds, is because his penis is working, and I am going to assume, he can masturbate successfully, also. Yes? No? Because he is able to become aroused and sustain an erection, yet loses it, later indicates a problem with how the two of you go about working up each other's excitement, anticipation, sexual tension--and, of course, your respective levels of arousal.

It is not at all uncommon nowadays for guys to believe that the way to an orgasm is from lots and Lots and LOTS of stroking. Wrong. We males can simply tire and lose an erection periodically. The good news is that erections can always be reestablished, return to fooling around and then doing a bit of Foreplay. Just because an erection goes away in no way means that love making is over. No, no. After his refractory (recovery) period, after yours, there can be more to come (pun if any, indended). Keep the "fires" burning by continuing to make out. This is explained in one or more articles listed in the Index.

A major purpose for devoting half an hour or more to making out is to adequately arouse you. Your husband will benefit directly and indirectly, both. If you prepare him properly with lots of kissing and caressing, fooling around, making out; and, not letting him begin intercourse until invited; and, not entering unless and until his arousal has peaked and he is on the brink of losing control--yet can still move around and get into position, he should climax within the first several strokes/thrusts. Do this and see how things go.

As for stimulating him manually and/or orally, this requires two steps; first, him showing you how to stimulate his penis and taking your hand in his and having him guide you over several sessions until you learn to mimic the movements and pressures that are unique and specific to him; second, communication. You have to give each other feedback on how each of you is responding to each other's caresses and for what you need now/next. When we masturbate, each of us benefits from built in feedback in order to make tiny midcourse corrections to what we are doing. This is missing when we turn the reins over to our partner, so it must be provided by verbal or non-verbal feedback. This, too, is explained in one or more articles.

I recommend that the two of you read the articles on orgasms and the how-to of Foreplay, and especially, the how-to's of making out. Learn about the A, B, Cs, of this and put it all into practice. Lastly, show enthusiasm. Take the initiative now and then, either from the start or in the middle of a session.

Why not suggest sitting together in one chair, cuddling, and watching and talking about the program you are enjoying side-by-side? Why two TVs and two rooms, adding to the electric bill? Want intimacy? You can have it w/o the sex, all the while be-ing -coming close with one another. If the two of you want to view different programs, record one. He can watch it when you are not there.

I hope this is of help. Please report back on this. Good luck.