4 yr rs/ w child

[Jones09]

Hey, I'm in a dilemma. Well basically the mother of my child (gf) and I are having problems. Mostly between us, nothing really relating to the child. First let me tell you about us.

We begin our relationship our senior year of high school. Basically high school love, we always felt we were going to be together forever. That's before we thought realistically about our future. Anyways a year and a half passed and we had a child. Now the child is almost two years old. I'm 21 and she's 22. She's ready to get married and move in together, nothing wrong about that. That's fine. HOWEVER, I personally am not ready and neither do I think she is.

We can't get along, every 2weeks we have an argument and I personally think the argument is based on her being mad at me for not wanting to get married. However she will NOT let this go and I will not change my mind anytime soon.

This is why I do not think she is ready, she's 22. She does not want to attend school nor does she like to keep a job. The first year of the child, I was in and out of a job, due to lay offs and etc. Now I have a steady job and I just been put on permanent, I pay for the child clothing, food, and insurance. However he lives with her. (She lives with her parents.)

I really love her, I care for her a lot, but she's just not ready to get married, she haven't matured much since high school. I can't depend on her to help me with my son, not at the moment. I believe a child should grow up with both his parents but with her I feel it is impossible.

I'm trying so much to get this to work. I feel like we never were really into each other besides the sex unfortunately. I do not want to go put my son through this, I don't want to have to go through court systems just to get along.

It's at the point to where she's blaming me, and me only for her short comings. She's blaming me for the lack of her friends, her lack of a college education, her weight. I really don't know what to do.

[dancingdoc2]

I am sorry to learn of your predicament. Yours is a classic case of why I urge people to date lots of different people for a few years, none exclusively. Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us; rather, dating should be all about learning about the personalities, characters, likes, dislikes, quirks, goals. morals, etc., in order to help us learn when Mr./Ms. right comes into our lives.

You are right not to want to get married for the foreseeable future. If you did, more than likely her fantasy would not work out and then you'd either be divorced or living a relationship that is troublesome to the both of you as well as your child.

You are to be commended for stepping up and supporting your child.

My recommendation is to find a therapist who does couples therapy and premarital counseling and make an appointment.

[lnt1103]

First let me echo Doc's remarks about you stepping up. Many guys, both your age and supposedly more mature, skip out. That appears to have never even entered your mind. Good for you.

There is something to be said for the opinion that children benefit from having two parents in the home. He needs you, he needs her, but that doesn't necessarily mean he needs you both living in the same house. And if doing so would mean drama and instability, then he most certainly does NOT need that. All children really need is stability and love. All too often parents try to stay together 'for the kids' and end up causing the kids more pain than if they'd not made themselves miserable trying to live with someone who makes them crazy, hurt and possibly even depressed.

Your instincts appear to be good on this. My first suggestion is to have this conversation with HER, though. Helping US see that she's looking at life from a little bit skewed perspective, doesn't communicate that to HER. Doc's suggestion about couples counseling is a good one also. Certainly give this your best effort, but at the end of the day (and please don't take this as my advocating that what I'm about to say happen NOW), you may need to give up the ghost on the relationship.

[dancingdoc2]

Spend part of the day looking for one or two therapists. You want someone who can do couples counseling and someone who can do premarital counseling. The latter can be a minister, although, in your situation, I'd try and find someone who has psychological training, whether this is the same individual or two. Find someone you can talk to comfortably. This may or may not be the first person on the list. Also, do not be hesitant to switch counselors if one is not helping. (If money is tight, you can often get references for people who work for reduced rates so inquire with local family services in your area.

Get yourselves fixed, first, before entering into a marriage. If she is not interested and cannot see the value and wisdom of receiving some sage advice, then you have a decision to make. In and of itself this tells you she is still immature.

Regardless of what the arguments seem to be about, it is important to talk about issues and not topics. Learn how to argue--meaning how to negotiate and arbitrate. This means learning how to be a good listener and hearing what the other person has to say and working to give him/her the most of what they want without giving up the core of what you want. People often fight about topics that have nothing to do with the real problem.

> We can't get along, every 2weeks we have an argument and I personally think the argument is based on her being mad at me for not wanting to get married.

This may or may not be the case. Another important tool the two of you need to develop is the art of communicating. I mentioned above what part of this entails. Learn to talk, learn to listen, learn to get the real points across.

Here is an article listed in the Index that I hope will be helpful to the two of you. Encourage her to read it also. Knowledge is empowering.

I think we are ready to live together!!
We frequently hear about people living together who later find that one, the other, or both are not happy living together. Similarly, we frequently read a post in which a couple is contemplating moving in together and looking for a suitable residence. Here is an initial Check List.

Lastly, wake up every morning and ask yourself "what can I do today to make her life and the life of my son better", then set about doing it.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Well, from HER perspective - YOU'RE trying to weasel out on the deal.
Whether reality or not is immaterial; that's HER view.

And in a way - it is your fault that you're in this predicament so instead of making nasty remarks regarding her - spare a moment or two to realise that YOU brought this on YOURSELF and man-up.

Yes, it will mean going to court. Expect visitation rights, paying child support and claiming the tax write-off for paying that child support. Beyond that - expect nothing more.

Because no matter how misguided she might be - she still wants you for her husband and she's not going to give up that dream anytime soon.

No one enjoys rejection after all.

[Jones09]

Ok here's an update. Basically we got into this argument and now she doesn't want me to see my son, she won't say it verbatim but basically she insist I come there to see him he can't come to my house

[Jones09]

Sorry for the extra post I'm on my cell and can not edit. Anyway it isn't getting any better actually its worse. What are my next steps if I have to get the court involved how do I start the process?

[dancingdoc2]

My suggestion for your consideration is to not get the court involved for the time being, and certainly not before exhausting all other avenues open to you. Take counseling as far as you can. Enlist her help in participating, together and/or separately.

DO NOT and NEVER place a child in the middle or as a bargaining chip when it comes to adult issues.

Right now, as I understand the situtation, the two of you need to learn coping skills and how to problem solve. A court takes the option of learning these life lessons out of your hands. Both of you must understand and realize that the two of you need to learn more about being a couple. So, why not work on this instead of taking the often expensive and not so easy out of separating until all else has failed?

Both of you need to grow up and this means learning more than you think you know, now.