Just Lost...

[MissCarmen]

Well I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 5 yrs now. I started dating him at 20 yrs of age and he was in his early 30's. Our relationship has had its share of hurt. We were never very affectionate and we both found out that we had both cheated on each other. We have been trying to work it out but it seems like he has to tell me what a lying bitch, nasty whore, classless woman I am all the time. Well not all the time but we always end up talking about our indescrisions. I did bring the man I was cheating with around my child and he says how can he ever trust me, I will probably bring a man around our home and kids if we ever had any.

I ask him why is he with me, he says he asks himself the same thing. I ask him if he was so unhappy why did he stay, he says he doesnt know. He says that I am trifling and that I am not a lady and regardless of what he did, what I did was terrible.

It hurts to know that the person you love thinks you are nothing more than trash. He says he knew when he met me that something was not right about me and he is glad that he cheated on me and did not just stand by and get cheated on. He said he could tell by my past that I was not to be trusted.

How can we move forward when he says these things? I don't know what to think anymore. I am trying so hard to prove to him that my love for him is real and that he can trust me but I don't know what else to do. What gives?

[dancingdoc2]

> I ask him why is he with me

> How can we move forward

I ask you why you are with him?

Go "forward" without him.

My gosh, woman, do you think so little of yourself that you would put up with this treatment for all these years? Where is your self esteem?

You are a perfect example of how dating is not suppose to work; dating is not supposed to begin and end with the first warm body that expresses an interest in us. Dating is supposed to be about learning what humanity has to offer us in the way of potential mates as we go out with lots of people and learn about differences in personalities, character, likes, dislikes, goals, morals, quirks, etc. so that when Mr. Right does come along you will be better able to recognize those traits and snag him. You have some catching up to do!

> It hurts to know that the person you love thinks you are nothing more than trash.

To tell the truth, I am more concerned about you than him. What has compelled you to put up with this treatment for so long? The only thing worse that spending five years with this man is spending five years and one day more. If you are so needy that you would settle for this arrangement instead of moving on and dating lots of other men then I believe you have issues that a good counselor should help give you some insight into.

Please do not reply with something to the effect that "but I love him". Clearly what has been going on for all these years is not working; so why not change your situation and begin playing the dating game as it should be played? You owe yourself a better life and I do not understand why you haven't gone after it long before now. In my opinion, there is no future with him. He will not change because there is no incentive for him to. He has you right where he wants you and you are allowing this to continue by enabling his treatment of you.

If you were a guy I'd be telling you to get a pair... and change your circumstances for the better. Get some gumption, woman, find your self esteem and self worth, then become socially active, then look for a man who worships the ground you walk on and the clothes you wear, your opinions, and more, much more!

[MissCarmen]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

> I ask him why is he with me

> How can we move forward

I ask you why you are with him?

Go "forward" without him.

My gosh, woman, do you think so little of yourself that you would put up with this treatment for all these years? Where is your self esteem?

You are a perfect example of how dating is not suppose to work; dating is not supposed to begin and end with the first warm body that expresses an interest in us. Dating is supposed to be about learning what humanity has to offer us in the way of potential mates as we go out with lots of people and learn about differences in personalities, character, likes, dislikes, goals, morals, quirks, etc. so that when Mr. Right does come along you will be better able to recognize those traits and snag him. You have some catching up to do!

> It hurts to know that the person you love thinks you are nothing more than trash.

To tell the truth, I am more concerned about you than him. What has compelled you to put up with this treatment for so long? The only thing worse that spending five years with this man is spending five years and one day more. If you are so needy that you would settle for this arrangement instead of moving on and dating lots of other men then I believe you have issues that a good counselor should help give you some insight into.

Please do not reply with something to the effect that "but I love him". Clearly what has been going on for all these years is not working; so why not change your situation and begin playing the dating game as it should be played? You owe yourself a better life and I do not understand why you haven't gone after it long before now. In my opinion, there is no future with him. He will not change because there is no incentive for him to. He has you right where he wants you and you are allowing this to continue by enabling his treatment of you.

If you were a guy I'd be telling you to get a pair... and change your circumstances for the better. Get some gumption, woman, find your self esteem and self worth, then become socially active, then look for a man who worships the ground you walk on and the clothes you wear, your opinions, and more, much more!

I have just started to see a therapist. She says she is going to help me find out why I stay with him. I feel like I have been really complacent. He has told me I can walk away right now and he will not lose any sleep. I do feel lonely, I do not have any friends and even though I have all of this family, I feel alone. I feel like I would be even more miserable if I have to face life without him. I just told the therapist I am tired of being this way and I want to change.

[dancingdoc2]

> I have just started to see a therapist. She says she is going to help me find out why I stay with him.

Hello Carmen,
Your reply has been the highlight of my day! It is good to learn that you have found someone to talk to. Go Girl!

> I feel like I have been really complacent.

You can begin to find your self esteem and self confidence by acting the part much like an actress or actor portrays a character in a play or movie. By acting the part of who you wish to become, it soon becomes second nature. (There, I just saved you $50.)

> He has told me I can walk away right now and he will not lose any sleep.

Years ago I had a boss who advised his managers to "plan your work and work your plan." I now pass this along to you.

Make a plan for leaving him. If necessary, enlist the help of family, friends, or coworkers.

Save some money if necessary or get an advance or small loan in order to find and secure a place to live ASAP. If you cannot get an apartment, look in the classified ads for roommates wanted. Often people open their homes and will rent a spare bedroom with kitchen/laundry privileges. You can also find roommate finders who pair you up with someone else in order to rent an apartment. If no other options, place your belongings in a storage locker and move into the YWCA, or with a friend for a few days. So, put these at the top of your to-do list.

Next, set up interviews and go have a look at some of these accommodations.

Next, find a pickup or small truck in order to transport your belongings. Ask if one of your friends or coworkers has one to loan (along with himself). Look in the phone book for truck rental agencies like U-Haul, etc. They rent vehicles of all sizes for a nominal fee. DO NOT move out without having people there with you during the process.

Next, if you have any legal agreements or arrangements that need severing, do so either by yourself or with the help of an attorney.

> I do feel lonely, I do not have any friends and even though I have all of this family, I feel alone.

OK, now that you have aired your feelings, what do you plan to do about fixing this? If you have no ideas, please continue reading:

* Read books
* Ask a friend/coworker or (new) neighbor to take a walk or a hike
* Join a social, professional, or sports related club or organization
* Volunteer to volunteer at a hospital or some charitable organization
* Become active in a church

The point of all this is to get you up and moving, get lost in a novel, make new friends and then become productive when you would otherwise be idle.

> I feel like I would be even more miserable if I have to face life without him.

Perhaps. Perhaps, too, that this is just the initial onset of loss. Consider you are not about to be or have ever been the only person to live alone. You just surround yourself with friends and activities for starters.

What, no friends? Then add this to your plan. Ask family, friends, and coworkers, to help you establish a network of new friends. This process is no different than if you were to move lock, stock, and, barrel, into a new neighborhood, community, state, or country. Introduce yourself to neighbors and go with cookies in hand.

> I just told the therapist I am tired of being this way and I want to change.

Being alone is not a bad situation. Being lonely means that you have yet to occupy your mind. You have control over both. Your therapist can guide you or give you insight, you have to take the initiative to take control over your life. My guess is that you will find additional moral support here, so you are on your way.

How's this sounding so far?

-doc

[MissCarmen]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

> I have just started to see a therapist. She says she is going to help me find out why I stay with him.

Hello Carmen,
Your reply has been the highlight of my day! It is good to learn that you have found someone to talk to. Go Girl!

> I feel like I have been really complacent.

You can begin to find your self esteem and self confidence by acting the part much like an actress or actor portrays a character in a play or movie. By acting the part of who you wish to become, it soon becomes second nature. (There, I just saved you $50.)

> He has told me I can walk away right now and he will not lose any sleep.

Years ago I had a boss who advised his managers to "plan your work and work your plan." I now pass this along to you.

Make a plan for leaving him. If necessary, enlist the help of family, friends, or coworkers.

Save some money if necessary or get an advance or small loan in order to find and secure a place to live ASAP. If you cannot get an apartment, look in the classified ads for roommates wanted. Often people open their homes and will rent a spare bedroom with kitchen/laundry privileges. You can also find roommate finders who pair you up with someone else in order to rent an apartment. If no other options, place your belongings in a storage locker and move into the YWCA, or with a friend for a few days. So, put these at the top of your to-do list.

Next, set up interviews and go have a look at some of these accommodations.

Next, find a pickup or small truck in order to transport your belongings. Ask if one of your friends or coworkers has one to loan (along with himself). Look in the phone book for truck rental agencies like U-Haul, etc. They rent vehicles of all sizes for a nominal fee. DO NOT move out without having people there with you during the process.

Next, if you have any legal agreements or arrangements that need severing, do so either by yourself or with the help of an attorney.

> I do feel lonely, I do not have any friends and even though I have all of this family, I feel alone.

OK, now that you have aired your feelings, what do you plan to do about fixing this? If you have no ideas, please continue reading:

* Read books
* Ask a friend/coworker or (new) neighbor to take a walk or a hike
* Join a social, professional, or sports related club or organization
* Volunteer to volunteer at a hospital or some charitable organization
* Become active in a church

The point of all this is to get you up and moving, get lost in a novel, make new friends and then become productive when you would otherwise be idle.

> I feel like I would be even more miserable if I have to face life without him.

Perhaps. Perhaps, too, that this is just the initial onset of loss. Consider you are not about to be or have ever been the only person to live alone. You just surround yourself with friends and activities for starters.

What, no friends? Then add this to your plan. Ask family, friends, and coworkers, to help you establish a network of new friends. This process is no different than if you were to move lock, stock, and, barrel, into a new neighborhood, community, state, or country. Introduce yourself to neighbors and go with cookies in hand.

> I just told the therapist I am tired of being this way and I want to change.

Being alone is not a bad situation. Being lonely means that you have yet to occupy your mind. You have control over both. Your therapist can guide you or give you insight, you have to take the initiative to take control over your life. My guess is that you will find additional moral support here, so you are on your way.

How's this sounding so far?

-doc

Sounds good. My bf told me today he loves me, after he called me crazy. I know I have school and my child to keep me busy. We do not live together . The things he said to me today just hurt so bad.

[constantlylearning]

Doc makes many valid points. Hopefully, you will really read and absorb what advice
he has given you and perhaps it will empower you. Maybe just maybe, you will find
the light at the end of the rainbow. Good Luck.

[MissCarmen]

I hope so.

[EvilEvilKitten]

He's with you because you permit him to remain with you. He's with you because belittling and hurting you boosts his ego and makes him feel like a man. He is a bully.

Rise up and Walk away.

And don't say ""It's more complicated than that." because that's what LAZY people say. It is just that easy - always. Just up and walk out of his life and do not look back.