very depressed...not sure what to do

[stlou87]

I'll keep it brief...I just lost the love of my life. I'm a younger guy (early twenties) and had been dating this girl for about a year and a half. I broke up with her because I was traveling away from the country for about half a year and didn't want to put up with the distance. We kept in touch casually.

At the end of my time overseas, I realized that I really missed her, and that while I was not sure if we would get back together, I called her and told her my feelings. We both agreed that we were both unsure about our situation and that we would have to meet face to face to figure stuff out. She also let me know that she had been seeing another guy for a little.

This past Saturday I drove to her house (she lives a few hours from me) and we talked. We quickly realized that there was still a connection between us but we were not sure what to do because A. we would have to do the long-distance thing for awhile (3 hours) and B. because she had started seeing someone else. When I saw her I told myself to avoid and physical contact outside of hugging because I knew where that could lead. Regardless, we both couldn't resist and ended up almost having sex, but never following though at the end. (Clothes never came off, basically just some heavy kissing and dry humping.)

So we decided to take the year off, so I can graduate, and see what happens. I don't know if this a legitimate statement or just a polite way of saying goodbye to one another. All I know is that I'm still very in love with this girl and I don't know what to do. I've really never felt this way before. I know that I'm not happy with the way we left off...I want to be with her. I don't want to wait a year and "hopefully", if shes not with some guy, get back together. I don't know what to make of the situation.

Should I fight for her? Try to win her back? Or should I let her go? I;m just numb right now. Thanks for listening and I appreciate your help.

[dancingdoc2]

Here we go, again: Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. The purpose of dating is to learn what humanity has to offer us in potential mates. By dating lots of people, sometimes more than one at a time in open relationships, we are exposed to and learn about different personalities, characters, likes, dislikes, goals, quirks, morals, interests, etc., etc.

By keeping your dating non-exclusive you have more opportunities for dates on Saturdays, more variety, all the perks and benefits yet without the drama and trauma that comes with exclusivity. When you are ready to settle down then you can think about exclusivity. In the meantime, exclusivity can be understood without making out a "binding contract", so to speak.

Dates can last thru a dinner, a couple of dinners, others will last several months, a couple will be keepers. By the time you are ready to settle down you will have a much better perspective on the type of person you want for a mate.

I recommend finishing your education. Maintain contact and if she wants to be with you, she will let you know. You do not have to "fight for her", just be there and keep the lines of communications open and make plans for the times you will be home. If she accepts your invitations do do this or that, it means she is interest--or bored, although, I doubt that.

Exclusivity vs. Dating Around

DATING--Rules: how to and how not to

DATING--The Art and Science of Asking and Doing

For more helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles, please read thru the Index found at the top of the main screen.

[stlou87]

When I say "dating," I mean that I was with her. We were exclusive to each other. She was my girlfriend and I was her boyfriend. We were not seeing other people. Sorry, don't know if there was confusion there or not.

I did talk to her last night, a few hours after I wrote my first post. I wrote down my feelings, and while I wasn't reciting anything or making a speech, I had a list of questions I wanted to ask her, things that I had thought of after we had seen each other.

First of all, I wanted to understand what the whole "go on hold for a year meant." Like I said before, I felt that it was just an easy way for her to get out of our relationship...give some hope to the situation then play it by a year when that year comes to a close...maybe I would forgot about her by then, maybe she would forget about me, maybe she would still be with his new guy, maybe I would be with someone else. It's depressing. I know it's somewhat of a taboo in this situation, but I just can't get through all of the "what if's" going through my head.

I guess my problem is is that I know that I should get over her, I just don't want to. She's had such a big impact on my life, has helped me discover who I am and what I'm looking for in a person. I'm afraid if I let things slip with her then I won't be able to be with her again.

I don't know. My thoughts are just ping-ponging around my head. Thanks for listening.

[dancingdoc2]

> I guess my problem is is that I know that I should get over her, I just don't want to. She's had such a big impact on my life, has helped me discover who I am and what I'm looking for in a person. I'm afraid if I let things slip with her then I won't be able to be with her again.

Only you know the dynamics of your friendship and whether it is wise to leave her to your past, keep her present, work on the future. I'm suggesting that if things are good between you that you keep the friendship going while concentrating on finishing school. If/when you have some time, date others in order to broaden your scope of the world. It may be that your friend will remain a friend and only a friend. Perhaps once you get your life together and begin making a life for yourself she will become an integral part.

There is a difference between "love" and being "in love". Time will tell which is true for you and with whom.

[EvilEvilKitten]

After only a year and a half you are totally smitten???

Well, apparently SHE isn't. Why? Because she's seeing someone else.

At this point I would counsel you to do two things, in addition to building a satisfying individual life of your own as Doc said earlier:

1. Leave her alone. No communication whatsoever. If she wants you - she'll let you know. If she doesn't call (etc.) then it is OVER. But a 'stand up guy' wants a 'stand up woman'. Nothing less will do. Your silence will demand it better than any 'fighting for her' would. Your enemy is not the other guy - it is HER. Either she steps up or steps off. Period.

2. GROW A SET but keep your head on straight and your heart in the right place - on the side of the angels NOT on your sleeve. Stop being such an 'easy mark'. The expression 'love of my life' belongs to 13 year old girls and NO ONE else. Whether you date 1 woman at a time or 16 simultaneously, the rules of the game are the same. Men win; boys lose.

[constantlylearning]

Simply getting "back in the game" should help a great deal. Like Doc mentioned
dating others might just be the right medicine for you. As time ticks on, hopefully
the sadness you feel will fade away especially as you come to enjoy the company
of other women.

[YHeloThar]

Meh a year and a half is a long time for guys our age.

She went as far as she did with you, I would say you should try to turn it into sex and see what happens there. But I think you should only make it a relationship if you're in the same city because she is not 100% dedicated to hanging onto you obviously which I think means you should be dating other people and finding other things that you like.

Do you go out with friends and do you have other options? This might be stereotyping but I have been in your situation and when I think about it honestly, the real reason I was hung up on a girl was because I didn't have a better option at the time - as in I wasn't talking to any other girls and I had no other relationships to fall back on.

[Ephemera]

So you know you should break up with her and move on, but you don't want to...

Well, most guys (including myself) have been in your position. You're going to have to force yourself to move on. It'll be hard, but worth it in the end.

I've noticed that it takes people about a year or so to recover from a really dedicated relationship. It may take less time, it may take more. Either way, you should start dating again. However, I wouldn't rush into any other sexual relationship. Give your body and your mind time to move on from your ex.

Also, a lot of people (myself included) go through an angry, bitter stage after a serious breakup. You don't want to be that guy. It's pretty lame.

Good luck!

[YHeloThar]

Originally Posted by Ephemera

Either way, you should start dating again. However, I wouldn't rush into any other sexual relationship. Give your body and your mind time to move on from your ex.

not to be an asshole, but i totally disagree with this.

i think the best way to move forward is to start a relationship fast with at least one hopefully much younger girl. it will be refreshing and make you feel a lot better, rather than just going through the super depressed phase that basically just adds up to make you damaged goods over time.

[Ephemera]

Well, that's always an option. And it probably works for some people.