when do you fall out of love?

[the-wanting-one]

I have been a mess lately, thinking about my marriage. I suppose things are good, and that my wife would say so also. But I'm really not that happy. I met the girl of my dreams 8 years ago. We fell in love fast and furiousl, and were inseparable. Sex was phenomal and often. 5 years ago we were married, and now have 3 children.

But there is something lacking, and I'm not sure if I should feel worried. I read a comment in another post about how a lady still loved her husband, but wasn't in love with him anymore. Let me say I am still very much in love with my wife, and the thought of not having her makes me sick. But I fear perhaps she is no longer in love with me.

Things have changed since we met, and I realize we can't do things the way swe used to. Time is a hot commodity in our house and it seems like I am a low priiority. I try to be supportive to her as she operates her photography business from home while watching the kids as i work. iI try to do all I can to help with the housework and with the kids. And I tell her constantly how much i love her, how beautiful she is, how much i appreciate her. The only time she says "I love you" is if I say it first or if she follows it up with "but" and a complaint. Usually when I try to get close and give her a hug or kiss she pushes me away. I tried to plan a get away for just the 2 of us, but she invited her sister and her husband along, bc "all we have to talk about is the kids". That frustrates the hell out of me BTW, since we didn't have kids for half our relationship and did just fine. Oh and sex is rare, and usually lacking passion.

So are there any women out there that have fall out of love with the one they're with that maybe can ease my mind. ?Tell me if it sounds like she is or isn't falling out of love with me. She is the only 1 I've loved. i want to make her happy. But sometimes I feel like we're just roomamtes, and if it weren't for the kids, she might want to be somewhere else. I try to talk to her about things, but she just blows me off, saying "I worry too much".

[EvilEvilKitten]

The idea of "being in love" as in being all romantic with lots of hearts and flowers etc. borderline infatuation type of thing - is prevalent but also immature.

Love really is quiet deep abiding attachment and involvement with another person and is not of necessity sexual. One loves one's children, for example. You never really do fall out of love since you cannot fall in love - you can only fall in and out of infatuation.

That radiant 'living only for your smile" level of love - is an insecure love seeking ot build bonds of attachment. The quiet pervase warmth of care, trust, and enjoyment is the more mature love one attains after many years simply because you are secure and do trust your partner.

I'm telling you all of this to explain "not being in love" and yet loving someone. This is a transitional stage in that person's development within a relationship.

But in your case: that's NOT the issue. The issue is your wife's disregard for you. She has been taking you for granted and showing you disrespect. Her rebuffs of your advances indicate that she does not value or appreciate you.
Yes, this is serious and oyu should get up on your hind legs and refuse to be so mistreated. "You worry too much." should be replied to as "Of course I worry too much! When I feel kicked to the curb, yes, I worry. Wouldn't you worry if I blew you off or took you for granted?"

ONe more point - during the ensuing discussion - do NOT blame her, focus on how you feel and how would she feel should the situation be reversed. Do NOT argue or raise your voice or stand too close to her or touch her. You are not antagonists - you are compatriots who have lost their way. Only by working together will you two be able to work out a solution and that's what you should be focused upon - working out a solution.

[dancingdoc2]

Interview a couple of marriage and family counselors, explain to them as you have to us and see which one seems to connect with you better. Once you find a person, then they will invite your wife as appropriate.

You need more insight and help than we can provide over the net.

-doc