Wife calls for back-up

[Chino]

Here's the situation. Sorry if this type of situation has been addressed before, but my quick search yielded nothing fruitful.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for over 2. Other than the first year we were together, we have always had problems stemming from her lack of a sex drive. There's psychologists involved and many complex issues behind this issue, but it remains none-the-less. Recently, while having a very open and honest conversation she told me that she doesn't know that she will ever enjoy/desire sex and is certain it will never fully meet my needs. That's when she says that maybe we should consider that I simply have sex with other people. Wait...what?!

So put yourself in my shoes for a moment now. I have been extremely patient with my wife and this issue over the years and have experienced everything from set schedules with each day and action pre planned to 9 months of no interactionwith various acts and actions being ok one day and off limits the next. Sex rarely (almost never) is a loving, connecting experience for us because of her issues.

Now she is basically saying to fulfill my needs with other women. If you've never had this statement come your way as an honest suggestion in a serious relationship I don't know if I can explain the surge of emotions I felt appropriately. On the one hand it sounds like the answer to all of my problems and I get to do what few married people do which is continue to have new sexual encounters with new people. Exciting stuff. In the same instant, I love my wife and think she is the most beautiful woman on earth. She is petite and sexy and just thinking about her still can make blood relocate in my body...and now I just received what is a very clear statement on her thoughts of a prognosis.

We love each other very much, are best friends and will spend the rest of our lives together. We click on every level except this one and its not like she would click with someone else on this. It's an issue that goes beyond our relationship. I'm not sure what her needs are in this arrangement yet because we haven't gotten that far, but I know I need this to go down a certain way. For one, I need her to be involved on some level. Not in the room or engaged in the sex, but in the same place and friendly with the girl. My fear is that if it is some person she doesn't know and not around her, quiet jealousy will burn. Why is he gone on Tuesday? Why is he not home yet? Who is this chick and could he fall in love with her? All of that. I also feel as though I'd need her involved to keep me honest. To keep me from blurring the boundaries of what is already dangerous freedom.

I am well aware of how the introduction of a third party(s) could complicate things but I'm looking for any advice from someone who has been in a similar situation or has experience with one. Thanks for any advice.

[Brandye]

Sex is a symptom; not the real problem. There are those who may argue that it is too much to expect one person to fulfill all one's needs. The other side is that there are certain things that are properly handled within the marriage. You seem to believe the "forsaking all others" part of the vows and that is to be respected. Your sexual desires are also to be respected.

Your wife is not unique. I hear too many of patients complain of sex being such a chore. Some of the same women would be extremely upset to discover their husband had an outside friend. You are not dealing with rationality; you are dealing with emotions (or their lack). The two of you will never work this out on your own. You each need some time with someone to help you sort this out and then time with a helper talking it out together.

You may end up back in a sexual relationship; you may end up as your wife suggested; you may end up as friends and living separately. I would find living in the same house whilst dating outside extremely difficult. What your wife expresses rather calmly now may result in different emotions emerging when you act on it.

Get help.

[Chino]

For the record, we have been getting help for quite some time and you are absolutely correct to state that sex is a symptom. Unfortunately, the problem(s) are pretty severe and deep rooted. Additionally, my wife is a doctor and is able to look at this both emotionally and clinically which helps keep conversations open and honest.

Splitting isn't an option for either of us at this point. Despite sex's place in a marriage, I could not live with myself having left my (im)perfect girl because of something that tears her apart and is (has been) beyond her control. Her feelings mostly stem from empathy for my situation and I feel as though her offer shows an openness to solving this problem.

As I tried to convey in the initial post, it sounds very exciting but in a "lets douse this house in gasoline and see how close you have to get with a flame before it explodes" kind of way.

[Brandye]

OK, I am a doctor. We are trained not to treat ourselves or our families for good reason. Emotion trumps rationality every time. Open and honest in your case may be her agenda and manipulation.

[nuttychick]

So the first year you were together was good ?
Did she have these issues before she met you or did they come up after that year?

[Chino]

Brandye - you are right. I didn't mean to infer that she's the one diagnosing anything. We have been to some couples therapy and she has gone to individual therapy for about 6 years now. The couples therapy has been minor because it is constantly trumped by her issues - pretty sever emotional trauma over a long period of time with a nasty culmination is what I can tell you about that. I simply meant to convey that we are able to discuss these issues without judgment or condemnation of each others feelings.

nuttychick - as I mentioned above there was a culmination to a long period of emotional abuse. That happened about a year after we met and while we were separated for the summer after her first year of college. Things were great for that first year, we waited about 7 months to have sex but we did a lot of everything else with a big emphasis on mutual masturbation and oral sex.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay - time for you to know how to run this from someone who does it - me.

First - the concept is SHARING and the title is Friend With Benefits, the benefits being sex. Yes, she needs to be a friend of you both, and not just inside the bedroom.

You have been asked to open up a closed marriage - and this is fine if BOTH spouses are ready for it. Unfortunately, you don't really know until your try it if they are ready for it. So be prepared for further discussions between you two.

If your wife cannot go up to another lady and say, in effect, "My husband would like you to have his number." then she's not really ready for this. In truth, you never go hunting alone; she has to like the lady as well- but as a friend; and you must reserve something sexual for your wife alone.

Find and go hang out and talk with your local Swing/Lifestyle group. BOTH of you together. In person discussions with those who participate will help you both see if this being open is for you.

For the record - I swing and my husband does not but is fine with it - within certain limits, which of course have been mutually agreed upon.

[Chino]

Thanks for the advice EEK. We have briefly touched on some slow immersion tactics and you have touched on a couple more we have not covered, so I will be sure to bring them up. One thing I suggested to her was to go to a strip club and let's gauge her reaction to me getting a lap dance. I really want to try and find things that test her jealousy and my guilt, but I just wish there were more in between steps here. Unfortunately, it seems like this pool has no shallow end.

Also, my gut tells me your 100% right about her involvement. If this is a reality that we are willing to create, we both have to be able to comfortably face our "solution" with no reservations or recoil. I want this to be something that solves a problem and thus enhances our marriage...not something that allows me to fulfill my needs at the expense of our relationship.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Frankly, Chino - I love the Swing/Lifestyle and should I ever be in a position to remarry it would be to a man within the Lifestyle. Not even a question! Be advised that the Lifestyle only exists because women permit it to and that it is the women who rule here. IF she says no, then no it is.

The key to 'sharing' is to understand that sex is adult play and love is the emotional bond. Keep the two separate and you're good. Enjoying sex with someone else does not mean you love her less. If you two agree there is also no betrayal or guilt.

Whatever 'ground rules' you two decide upon should be followed. Expect to have to renegotiate those rules over time since noe one quite knows how they will react to the changes an open marriage makes in their life. Just stay commited to eachother and all will be well.

The strip club is not a good idea. That is foreign to the Lifestyle. Should you wish to see what it is like beforehand - go to a swing club where partners intermingle freely.

[dlb]

And if I might add the swing clubs that I am aware of allow newbies to take their time and become somewhat acclimated. No one is going to push you. Lifestyle is not for everyone.