Wife calls for back-up

[mikkiji]

...without a healthy sexual relationship I don't feel loved much of the time...

Yeah, that was me too. I feel your pain, brother. Let me address a few of your questions posed to me regarding my experiences: Do you think that your age (post FWB) or the fact that you HAD experienced the outside relationship helped you settle into your acceptance of the situation with your wife more? Yes indeed, exactly so. Both my advancing into middle age and my having looked at (and grazed in!) the greener grass on the other side of the fence were big ingredients to my acceptance.

If you could rewind the whole thing, would you do it over or is there another path you would have chosen? I felt terribly guilty about the whole episode and wanted more than anything to come clean and confess it all to her before she died--to ask her forgiveness and to relieve my own guilt, to allow me to live with myself after she was gone. Up until the time she was dying, I didn't feel much guilt or self-recrimination about the affair, however. I never did tell her--I spoke with my ex-lover about it, and she told me in no uncertain terms to not spill the beans to my wife on her deathbed, that it would accomplish nothing. It tore me apart for quite some time after her death, but as I got into new romantic relationships as a widower, I was able to leave my bad feelings behind. I discovered myself capable of self-forgiveness and came to a place of peacefulness about the whole thing. I still feel I could have been less self-centered, less damned horny and focused on my necessity for sexual fulfillment, and more understanding of my late wife's personal needs and style. But today, I have no regrets. I am remarried, my new wife knew from the start of my marital infidelity (I HAD to tell her, it was not an emotional option to keep secrets any longer), SHE forgives me, and I move on into my new life a better person. Older and wiser...
Michael

[EvilEvilKitten]

Make him/her feel worse just to make yourself feel better??
It is the height of selfishness to tell someone something that would hurt them deeply JUST to remove your guilt.
You should bear your own burdens with as much grace as you can muster and keep your mouth shut.

[mikkiji]

EEK--as I said, I did, in the end, bear my burdens and keep my mouth shut--it was very much the right thing to do. I only said I WANTED to confess. Perhaps that's a natural feeling, in the face of my very complex 40-year relationship with my late wife.
Michael

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, but you did tell this wife, your second - a kind of confession.

[mikkiji]

Yeah, I DID tell her--do you think I should not have? I wanted to begin with 100% honesty and trust. And, wonder of wonders, after my "confession" to her at the beginning of our relationship, she had her own confession to make to me about an episode of emotional infidelity which she wanted to take to the sexual, but the guy put her off, even tho she threw herself at him. So we went sort of one for one, had an even deeper understanding of and trust in one another, left it all in the past and walked boldly into our future!
Michael

[EvilEvilKitten]

If neither of you had said anything - would the outcome had been any different?

[mikkiji]

If neither of you had said anything - would the outcome had been any different?

EEK--we've talked about this. Because our relationship is, at this point at least, a lot of "catching up" with one another's lives (we're both in our mid-50s, both widowed, and both with long complex emotional lives behind us), these episodes of ours have proven to be a kind of pivot point in some strange way, and we revisit and analyze then with one another quite frequently. I think what that's about is that, when these illicit relationships were happening, neither one of us had anyone to talk to about it--we were isolated and could not process any of it. Now, even though years later, the need to process remains, and we've been able to rely on one another (and our unique set of common experiences) to do so. It's been a very helpful dialogue for both of us, inasmuch as we both had some continuing guilt issues in regard to our affairs. We're just looking to get ourselves straight, within and without.
Michael

[EvilEvilKitten]

My partners and I discuss such things as well. The ability to talk about our lives is very special.

[Chino]

Ah...morality and guilt...how sweet it could be to live a life free of those things.

Sorry for a lack of any update on my part. I can tell you it's not because the issue has been resolved by any stretch. We've just had a couple of bigger and immediate life issues to deal with this week...no additional drama necessary.

I do now have the feeling that my wife meant the comment to be a suggestion for me to find the extras in a don't ask don't tell scenario, which I have already stated I'm not down for. On a positive note, I think the gravity of her proposal has hit her a little bit as she has been a bit more affectionate than typical. Hasn't translated into the bedroom, but I don't want to rush that and I want acknowledge and nurture the efforts she's making.

I'll still be around and will update interested parties as things evolve, but I believe my most immediate need for feedback, support, & ideas has past. Thanks for all who have contributed. It has really helped.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You're very welcome.