How can i help him?

[LiL_TrUbLe]

I have a guy friend that I known for a long time he has a problem well I don’t know if you can call it a problem. Well he had this girlfriend that he got pregnant and well he asked her to move in with him and is taking care of his responsibilities.

Things where not to good between them and he tried to make something work. By the way he is 22 and she is 20. Well as much as he tries he cant fix things. She is so obsessed with knowing if he is out messing around with other females.

I talk to him and he tells me he does not even go out like he used to he works and goes home he tries to spend as much time with his daughter. As for her all she does is text and call asking “who you with?” “Where you at?” “What time you getting home?” ext he has tried talking to her and explaining that he is with her. That he is not out with no females, but he said he cant even talk to here with out here talking about “well you cheated once how do I know you are not cheating again this and that” He cant go out at all with out his phone ringing of the hook.

He tells here that instead of worrying about things that are not true to worry about making her life better and that if things between them did not work out then they did not. He is paying for home school and pays all the bills she does not know how to manage money. The girl cant pay a bill she forgets to put a stamp on the envelops.

He mentioned that they needed to take a break.(maybe that way she would see that there is nothing their) Her response was when people love each other they don’t need a brake. But in a relationship both need to love each other not just one u know?

He has done all he can he feels like there is no way to fix things and be with here in a relationship. He cant find a way to explain things to here any more. I have gave him my advice, I told him to explain the situation to his mom and find a way to solve it with out a problem. He tells her to go out, to fix her self up, to see her friends, but she wont all she does is want him 24/7. I told him if he is not happy its not good to stay with her and have the child grow up around a fake environment.

I have tried to put my self in her spot but just cant I think different and well I don’t know here their for I don’t know what she thinks. The way I see it if it did not work out move on and do the rite thing for the child and she will find some one for here later on.

I been looking around the net for information she can read or he can read to help her realize that she cant obsess over him. That she needs to think of here self and worry about what she can do to better her self. She is 20 yea but hey she has a child she needs to learn that now she has to grow up and do all she can for the kid. If he levees here she needs to be able to take care of her self and he is giving her that opportunity to have a future by helping with college.

He wants to end the relationship and work something out because he cant just say its over they have a child. He is afraid of what her reaction will be he is mostly worried about the child. Is their any web sites that you would recommend he reads, or any she should read to may be help her see that maybe she does not love him she is obsessed with him?

Thanks I would really appreciate it and so will he!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Enough pussy-footing around.

He needs to tlell her straight and to her face that she's being a "psycho bitch prison warden" not a lover and to get over it or get the hell out of here - without the child who stays with him.

Either she grows up or she gets out.

There comes a time when a man has to stand up for himself and the kind of life he wishes to lead.

Next time - wear a condom.

[dancingdoc2]

I can recommend a book: "Relationship Rescue", by Dr. Phil McGraw

Their situation is much more complex than can be addressed on line, here, or elsewhere. The couple should see a marriage and family counselor who specializes in situations like this.

The girls also probably needs some parenting training and these classes are available from different sources that a counselor can recommend.

In addition, she is no doubt overwhelmed both from lack of skills and from being drained from taking care of an infant and other responsibilities. My guess is that she may have some hormonal imbalances, also.

[dancingdoc2]

Kit, I would agree with you if the girl was older, however, at her tender age, and given the fact that many/most kids growing up this day and age are rarely taught how to do laundry, prepare meals, do grocery shopping, vacuuming, not to mention manage money and a checkbook, ATM card, or worst of all--a credit card, I would give her some slack. She lacks these skills, is trust into motherhood apparently without much education or insight and is overwhelmed.

As to her clingy behavior, this is need attention right now and a counselor can probably help the couple. She is simply immature in addition.

Now, if she fails to recognize her situation, her behavior, her need for help, then, yes, I believe the young man should petition the court for custody and move out.

If the girl's mother or his mother are in their life, perhaps one of them can provide her the management skills she lacks. The young man also needs to help her around the house when he gets home. He is to be commended for stepping up to the plate and taking action.

There is an article in the Index addressing the matter of moving in together. Both should read that, so Lil_, you can point them to that link.

[LiL_TrUbLe]

Thanks I will tell him to look that book up.

Yea I have told him just to tell her to get out sense she cant seem to understand things, and to recommend some counseling even if she gets mad.

His only concern was and is the child. He wanted to solve and end things peas full so that they could still communicate the right way about thing concerning his daughter. He does plan on having the child stay with him no matter what she decides to do.

I guess you cant always end thing the rite way. That’s why yes I told him he should of made sure he used a condom.

[LiL_TrUbLe]

To my understanding I think he does help around the house but am not 100% sure.

As for him his dad owns a small business and he started helping at a young age, am assuming that’s why he learned most of his money management skills at an early age.

I think his main problem is that he cant address any problem or mention anything with out her bringing up the cheating. He mentioned that he has tried to show her how 2 manage the money he is bringing in, but she is so caught up in keeping him on check she forgets to do what she was going to do.

But I would not know sense I only know what he tells me, I have asked him to let me talk to her (she does not know me) but she will jump in to things thinking am trying to make him get rid of her. She thinks I might be another girlfriend and not a friend. (she don’t care that I have my own relationship with my own guy) she is obsessed and yes I think she needs some kind of counseling

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry - but coddling kids does NOT work - ever. People live up to what you think they can do. Self-fulfilling prophecy - you will remember.

No slack. She's older than 18 so it is now on her head and her responsibility. If she can read then she can go and learn how to do all of this stuff. Time for her to grow up and step-up. She's an adult and she's a mother.

Welcome to the real world.

Lil T - I'm telling you to tell him to STOP BEING NICE. She brings up cheating then he should say "SO WHAT. I'M HERE AND I'VE BEEN HERE FOR YOU AND YET ALL I EVER HEAR IS YAP YAP YAP YAP. LET IT GO OR WALK."

[LickMyGamete]

Dancing - did you read the part about him CHEATING on her, which she is obviously not over?

And if all he does is "go to work and then come home to be with his child," when does she get the opportunity to call and harass him and ask if he's with any other females? Seems like she's being thrown under the buss and made to be the "psycho clingy girlfriend" when the reality is the guy gave her plenty of reason to be suspicious and rather than fixing it, he's using it as an excuse to leave the relationship.

It's insane to think the wrong doer deserves the right to say "so what! I cheated in the past, get over it..I'm here this week." He needs to man up and do what it takes to regain her trust back, or leave all together.

Sounds like he's taking the cowards way out, though.


edit: So he cheated, she distrusts him, and he's hiding *you* in secrecy, and you wonder why she's so distrustful? Poor girl. If I cheated and wanted to soothe my wifes mind, the last thing I would be doing is hiding communication with ANOTHER girl from her...good grief. This guy isn't innocent at all.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Look, if her trust is so easily lost then it wasn't her heart he broke but her pride. Entirely another thing altogether. He may not have actually "cheated" on her - they weren't ever married were they? It is entirely possible that she being vindictive just because she wants to get her pound of flesh off of him.

The game has got to stop - for the child's sake. Growing up in a toxic dysfunctional environment is NOT good. Like trying to grow up healthy and happy in a war zone. What the child is learning now is that THIS is how adults are supposed to act.

Yes, she should make up her mind to either get over it or leave.

[LickMyGamete]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Look, if her trust is so easily lost then it wasn't her heart he broke but her pride. Entirely another thing altogether. He may not have actually "cheated" on her - they weren't ever married were they? It is entirely possible that she being vindictive just because she wants to get her pound of flesh off of him.

The game has got to stop - for the child's sake. Growing up in a toxic dysfunctional environment is NOT good. Like trying to grow up healthy and happy in a war zone. What the child is learning now is that THIS is how adults are supposed to act.

Yes, she should make up her mind to either get over it or leave.

Evil - you need to understand that not everybody shares your views that "being exclusive" only comes with marriage. I'm not arguing against it, it's just that when someone is upset because the person they thought they were exclusive with turned out to be flat out lying to their face and messing around behind their back - what good does it do to say "Whats your problem? You're not even married, get over it."

Sure it's entirely possible she's just being vindictive because her pride was hurt, but it's also possible the guy she thought was trustworthy enough to have a baby with, turned out to be lying his ass off and has proven to be an incredible loser..and despite saying he's trying and has turned a new leaf, is still just as deceitful

The way Lil describes him - "he's tried everything!" ..doing everything but hanging him up on a cross to make him seem like a saint, leaves me to believe the guy IS a loser and very deceitful. My sympathy lies with the girl who was stupid enough to have the child with him..not the guy who cheats on the mother of his child. That's low and frankly pathetic that anyone would think HE'S the victim in this. And that he's being TOO nice to her? Come on!