Old member...new problems... new account... (long..warning).

[Trixie]

Well, it's been a few years and I don't remember my old account name, and I have changed email addresses... new name it is. Along with some new (and old) problems. I've posted some trust issues and sex issues in the past when my husband was just my fiance or boyfriend. Now here I am again...reaching out for advice.

A little backstory (and I'll make it quick). My husband has lied to me over small things and big things over the years. He has only on one occasion come forward and admitted a lie. The rest of the times one way or another, he has been "busted". Now, let me just say it's never been over infidelity. A few times it's just been a "I'm going out with the guys" and actually have no plans to go out with anyone, but wanted a get out of jail free card in case he wanted to get out of the house. One point it was a matter of joining a dating website (a year before our wedding) and doing a PAID trial membership after a few years of me stating that looking at singles ad's was NOT OK with me, and not acceptable. He told me once that he would rather lie to me than hurt my feelings... but the lie hurts me 10000 times more than the truth in most of these things. We aren't talking HUGE things, but still not truthful. There are more things, but wont' bore you.

Back in October 2008 he told me he had quit smoking..this was after he had an episode of not being able to catch a breath at a sporting event and me being the major anti-smoker I am (and have been... side note he was not a smoker when we started dating and knew I had no desire to be in a relationship with a smoker)...basically told him he had to quit smoking or else. He said he did.... I still had my doubts when he would smell like smoke, but always believed when he told me he hadn't, because some of the places he was allowed smoking inside...and basically you walk in for at least 5 minutes, you come out stinking horribly of smoke.... For some reason almost 4 weeks ago I doubted him and looked through his phone (for this very reason). He had asked a buddy of his to pick him up a pack of smokes. Another longer story short.. he stopped smoking for a week and started back. So, for five months, (out of our 10 months of marriage) he had lied to me several times a week and was smoking a pack a NIGHT 2-4 nights per week.

Now..before I get flamed for anything.. i am not terribly upset with the smoking.. I am a nurse and KNOW how hard it is to quit smoking. It's the lying that is bothering me. I dont feel I can trust him with anything and nearly 4 weeks later still am questioning everything that he says to me. I really expected it to be somewhat better by now.... but it's not. There's this little voice in me and everytime he tells me something that voice goes "yeah..right".

In addition (as if this post could get any longer). He doesn't want kids.. I knew this from our first meeting... I too questioned if I wanted kids. At one point I really questioned this.. but a friend told me to either choose the man I love and no kids, or leave him and hope to replace what we have and hope for kids. Loving him has never been a question. And that made the answer to that choice easy. I chose him over children. This entire thing is also making me think that I maybe made a bad choice. I mean, I have been willing to give up children...but the man can't give me the truth....

I am sure I've left out enough details over our 5 year relationship that is making this look like a huge over reaction on my part... I'd be glad to clarify anything if anyone wants.. I just want to know what others think... and what I should do. I'm about 50/50 on stay or go... can I spend the rest of my life with someone who I just don't know is telling me the truth?

[LickMyGamete]

Have you tried marriage counseling? Or more simply, telling him he needs to be completely honest with you, because his "lying to keep you from hurting" is obviously not working?

I don't exactly agree with what your friend said. It seems a little too romantic and juvenile - choose the man you love, or leave him and hope to replace what you have with kids? Come on, for all you know the next guy around the corner will be completely honest with you and want kids.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Terribly sorry but you have made a poor decision in marrying this man. Trading in your future children for a current man? Not a good choice - ever. Because people change their minds. Midlife hits a man and he has no children - now he wants them and there you are unable to have them.

It takes courage to be open and honest with your mate and his lack of this essential courage is astounding. Love him if you must but, frankly, it is time to let him go, as difficult as that may be. You simply cannot rely upon him.
Sorry, dear. But next time - stick to your guns.

This is precisely why I recommend being 'demanding' during courtship. Now what you want in life. Picture it in your mind 30, 40 years down the road being realistic. If this man doesn't have what such a life requires, and it can be hard to tell, then let him go and move on. The time to be nice is after you've married the man not before.

[Brandye]

Two separate issues:

1. Children. I have heard it explained that women who have children later revisit and wonder what might have been if they had focused on career instead; those who forego children, wonder what might have been with children. That is what the movie, Turning Point. was all about. And a lot of other literature, myth and folktales. My fiance and I decided no children. He died before the marriage but I have followed through, to an extent, on our plans. Now I am too old to have children. We make choices; we live with the results. That is your personal decision and you can change your mind (and husband) if you choose.

2. Lying. I am with the Bad Cat. If he lies about this stuff today, what will he lie about in ten years? You still have choices but as time passes, those are limited.

[EvilEvilKitten]

It is quite possible to have both a career and children. I come from a long line of working mothers and I was a working mother myself - there is no need to choose between career and children. That she would have to choose is a myth.