Advice Please - 2yrs together sex going nowhere

[gatorman]

First time here folks but i have been lurking and finding the forum really interesting and informative.

I've been in a relationship with my partner approx 2 years now. We're living together and I love her deeply. We really get on great. One thing I have learned is that there is more to relationships than sex, but unfortunately this is gone to the other extreme.

The difficulty I have is that the sex is really not doing anything for me and I don't know how to approach it as I'm afraid I will upset my partner. I was pretty active in previous realtionships and had a lot of sexual experiences above and beyond the norm.

My problems are that I always seem to be the one that initiates sex. My partner doesn't appear to be interested until I kickstart it. I almost always perform oral on her during foreplay but she rarely returns the favour and when she does its never to completion. In fact, she has never once performed oral on me spontaneuously. When its that time of the month there is zero sexual contact. I get extremely sexually frustrated during this time and find myself having to pleasure myself to "relieve the tension" as it wouldn't occur to her to "please" me.

I am growing extremely frustrated as I find it difficult to discuss with her. She doesn't discuss her likes/dislikes and seems to be very withdrawn where sex is concerned. I on the otherhand am the opposite and would love her to open up and let go.

If things don't change, I can see myself getting very down about this as I have always enjoyed sex in the extreme and I feel like I am going to go mad. I am beginning to think about doing things and going places that I really don't want to go!

I am not happy with a shag once a week with little or no intimacy or adventure. Its always the same - I start it, go down on her, she climaxes, wait, hope and pray she'll go down on me, wait, wait, not tonight honey, shag, over, sleep, wait another week for the same. I want her to come home some day and simply drag me into the bedroom, blow me for once and go wild. Am I being selfish ? I do everyhting I can to please her and she always climaxes.

In my previous relationships the sex was always great and maybe this has set an expectation level for me which is unrealistic - I really don't know.

How should I approach this without upsetting her ?

[Breedlove]

well you just need to sit down and talk her about it seriously that's all if she can't talk to you about it could something else that bothering I don't know just an idea other than that if she can't talk to you about it then you gotta decide what to do with the relationship

[EvilEvilKitten]

This is a classic case - of a man who is not willing to do what is necessary to get the relationship he wants. Yes, you do not want to upset her, yadda, yadda, yadda, but you cannot make omelets without breaking some eggs.

So, sit down and ask her what's going on because, for you, this relationship is becoming bleaker and sadder. Ask her what sex means to her. Ask her to describe her sexuality. How was she raised? What have her past experiences been like? Listen to what she says and try to see the isue from her viewpoint.

Then explain how this seems to you; how you feel about this lack of sex. Tell her what physical intimacy means to you. Try to get her to see this from your viewpoint.

And then go find, read, and then do The Program (see above).
Fire her up, assist her to multiple orgasms, and take the time to helpp her find and embrace her sexuality.

Now, if all of this does not work - you should leave her. If all of this doesn't work - only professional therapy will.

[gatorman]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I need to grow some balls as Tony Soprano would say :-)

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, testicles are useful if you're male.

[Bouledoux]

It might seem a bit ambitious for me to offer advice, as on another thread I'm asking for it myself, for what seems on the surface to be a similar sort of problem; but what I would suggest is you sit down and talk to your wife and agree with her to each chose, on alternate days, in advance, one act of physical intimacy and one act of sexuality that you want to perform the following day.

Whoever makes the choice, it is their job to initiate both acts; they decide where, when and for how long. If every other day is too often, make it every two days, or even once a week. We settled on every day, because it was easier to keep track.

Within reason, the person who chooses agrees only to nominate mutually 'acceptable' behaviours; and the person who isn't choosing agrees to perform those acts graciously and wholeheartedly.

Acts of physical intimacy could be a cuddle on the sofa, an extended hug, taking a walk while holding hands, exchanging a massage, etc.

Acts of sexuality could be anything that causes sexual arousal, but should include 'short duration' events, so that neither party feels overwhelmed. Orgasm certainly isn't obligatory.

My wife and I did just this and it worked incredibly well; but what we gained in terms of rekindled interest from my wife in sex, and both of us in physical, non sexual intimacy, has been mitigated to a certain extent by my wife's persisting unwillingness to expand what is 'acceptable' behaviour for her.

I hope The Program will help us address this, little by little.

The hardest part, I found, was initiating the discussion in the first place; but, as it happened, my wife was really glad to talk about it.

On the surface, such a 'dating' regime may seem artificially contrived and wholly lacking in spontaneity - which it is - but when the alternative is as bleak as you portray, and your existing weekly dates are so uninspiring, maybe restructuring your sex and intimacy quota is a price worth paying.

[gatorman]

Thanks Bouledoux. The challenge at this point is even getting to a point where we can talk about it. Its proving extremely difficult and I am beginning to think there are issues from the past which are contributing to her lack of interest and/or lack of willingness to open up. I am of course sensitive to this but in the meantime I think I'm going to crack up. In all other aspects we have a great bond/relationship and we do lots of non-sexual things together. I have made it clear that we need to get to the bottom of this or our relationship is going to suffer. She accepts that there is a problem so thats a start I guess.

[EvilEvilKitten]

gator - her recognising that there is a problem is half the battle! Congrats and good luck with the other half!

Please see the sticky posts entitled Bodyworship and The Program. They may help spark discussion if nothing else. Also try the free eBooks at http://www.wickedwomangroup.us/page10.html - whcih might also help.

[Bouledoux]

Originally Posted by gatorman

The challenge at this point is even getting to a point where we can talk about it.

My wife would far rather not 'talk'. So would I, for that matter. It's much more comfortable that way. I've nearly always been the one initiating difficult conversations, not because I want to distress my wife, but because I'm desperate for change. Since the impetus comes from me, it often seems as though I'm pestering her. I recently suggested having regular appraisals of where we are in our lives, sexually and otherwise, that we could take turns initiating, in the hope of greater balance, and shared responsibility, for the good as well as the bad, perceived or otherwise.

Although this sort of talking is uncomfortable, it's necessary, I feel, to combat inertia, which often shields misunderstanding and resentment.

We are like you, in that

Originally Posted by gatorman

In all other aspects we have a great bond/relationship and we do lots of non-sexual things together.

It's frustrating, isn't it?

Good luck, anyway!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Scaredy-cats! Look, your fear is holding you back from the life you desire.
When your desire overcomes your fear - you will not ask for advice - you'll just do what you need to do.