bye-bye foreplay...*sigh*

[aliceyalice]

before i told him my fantasies involved bdsm and sub/dom type play, he was rather skilled at getting things in order before diving into full penetratrive sex. he was particularly adept at oral. immediately after i told him i wanted to try out the more racy fantasies, though, he just seemed to view it as a way to boss me around and coerce me into giving him huge amounts of foreplay, then to make me wait for hours in a seperate room until he allowed me to come in and have sex with him. he no longer performed oral sex on me, no longer spent any time even letting me get lubricated enough to enjoy sex, just plunged right in. well, i told him i had a completely different idea of what i had wanted in bed. for instance, the girls in the bdsm and sub/dom videos seemed to enjoy alot of foreplay before actually being penetrated. yes, they performed fellatio, but they got something in return. he said that what he was praticing with me in bed was 'the real sub/dom scenario' and that i clearly didn't know what i wanted. so he told me i would 'go back to normal sex'.

he did stop ordering me around, and he stopped making me wait for hours after i had performed foreplay on him, but he only has given me oral sex (the kind that lasts at least 30 seconds or longer, not a quick tongue flick and then pop it right in before i even had time to get into it...oh yes, i have timed it! not more than thirty seconds!) one time since the whole disaster unfolded in October of last year.

he spends inordinate amounts of time scouring the internet for new porn movies (i'll spare you the details) and has aquired a ginormous collection of Freakiness. but we have only seen about ten of them out of a collection of films that exceeds the hundreds. when frinds come over, he will put the movies on almost as a bragging point, "Look what i'm into", that sort of thing, but he never practices what he sees, despite me pointing out what look like fun things to do in the bedroom from the films.

i have tried eveything, greeting him in various lingeries, and fulfilled his sexual fantasies which he had confided to me without hesitation...yet when i mention that i'd like this or that in bed, he always promises it 'later'. he caught me masturbating and punished me by telling me that he could now have a 'freebie' and jerk off without me around. i pointed out that he rarely has intercourse as it is with me, and that i was jerking off because i wanted sex when he didn't...and that i have never ever turned him down on sex (i love sex way too much and can always find time to have it no matter what)...so it wasn't the same thing at all. if i had turned him down, maybe then he could jerk off, but if i wanted it, it seems to me to be a waste of a very scarce resource. as i said, i have fulfilled every single fantasy he has told me he has. i have never turned him down on sex in three and a half years (ever since i moved in his home).

short of tattooing the words 'eat me' on my forehead, i can think of nothing that will prompt his interest in fulfilling his side of the sexual relationship! what the hell am i doing wrong?

[Ephemera]

This really, really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship...

It sounds like he's being selfish and immature. Also, the putting porn on for friends makes him look like a complete tool.

What's keeping you around?

[aliceyalice]

well, i think that between the two of us, there is a definite something...
we dated over twenty years ago. when we broke up, it wasmore about what my parents wanted than what i wanted and we saw eachother infrequently over the remaining years. i got married, got divorced (six years) then lived with a lover (ten years) and left that lover. then i ran into this guy againat my favorite danceclub. he said to me, "i waited 20 years to marry you, you know.".

we get along so well together outside of the sex, really. he is more than attentive outside of the bedroom. and he seems blissfully unaware that i am seething with sexual fury at his lack of foreplay. in fact, he told me the opther day how he was such a great lover because he read so many books on pleasing women! i said nothing...because i didn't want to hurt his feelings (and his hand was on my thigh...if i hurt his feelings he 'can't' have sex...i have never understoof what emotions and sex have to do with eachother! i can have perfectly agreeable 'grudgesex' when i am angry with my lover!).

i think perhaps i am not articulate enough to voice my disappointment with him...or maybe i am too tactful.

either way, a confession of dissatisfaction resulted in an entire week of no sex for me (the horror of it all!).

the porns, well, i like a good porno as much as the next girl, and the more disgusting the better! (i'm a little aberrant)...my unhappiness stems from the fact that he seems to collect it, rather than use it. much in the way he has those comic books all framed on the wall for people to admire, but would faint if someone actually opened one and turned the page.

the friends are mutual friends and they usually express shock at our choice of porn.

i think he likes the shock value...

i would never ever say that i am a mature, responsible and altogetherpsychologically healthy individual (my upbringing ensured i would be a dysfunctional and twisted little soul...). but i would love to light a fire under boyfriend's particularly beautiful behind in order to get a little extra foreplay.

now granted i won't tattoo 'eat me' on my forehead, but perhaps if i wrote it in lipstick or eyeliner...

[wet_suit_one]

Wow, and I thought I was an a**h((e!



Sounds like you have yourself a loser there kiddo. Make the call!

[Joe6565]

It is sad to read stories like yours aliceyalice. If I read your post correctly, he was OK until you told him your fantasy? If so, in my opinion, neither of you are to blame for what is happening between you. It is just that the two of you have different needs and did not sufficiently talk about your own need and likes before. I am sorry that he seems to be over reacting in a negative sense to your revelation. If you still thing the relationship is worth saving, try to get the two of you into marriage counseling... preferable with someone with a lot of experience in sex therapy.

Good luck my dear.

[dlb]

This is one of the ways that the D/s or Dominant submissive thing can go wrong. So many men think that it is about them bossing their woman around and ignoring her needs, basically being the epitome of the bad macho amle chauvinist pig...and using it as an excuse to not give what they are getting sexually.

This is not BDSM and it is not D/s. BDSM is not for everyone and D/s is not even for all BDSMers.
I agree with Joe in that if you want to save this relationship you should probably see a professional counselor.
You can't have a really good BDSM relationship until you get the basics of sex down and a big part of those basics is effective communication.

Once you learn how to communicate properly if you decide to return to the D/s thing you might do well to find your local real life BDSM community, attend some munches and workshops and find out what it is really about. Don't believe to much of what you see in movies.

But again, before you try that you need to learn basic sexual communication.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Forget "blame" altogether. That's a loser scenario.

Why are you permitting this fool to walk all over you like this?

You are here in wailing about lingerie, heels, his ideas, and his wants, wearing make-up yadda yadda yadda but NOWHERE have you gotten up on your back legs and DEMANDED your due from him.

Why are you being such a doormat?

YOU have permitted this man to become a domestic and sexual tyrant by keeping your mouth shut and your anger inwardly focused upon yourself. Time for you to begin talking, asking, and not settling for BS flippant answers.

Put on 3 inch heels, no higher, and get yourself a rolled up newspaper. Demand oral with him kneeling before you and if he does it wrong - whack him upside the head with the newspaper. Tap, tap, tap. Then say "Good man!" kiss the top of his head and walk away again without doing anything for him.

BTW your guy knows NOTHING about D/s or BDSM. dlb is a dom and I am a dominatrix - we would know. What your man told you was pure BS. It is the SUB who has ultimate power within such a relationship - because at a word from the sub - ALL PLAY IMMEDIATELY STOPS.

If he's taking his cues fromm porn then he's doubly a fool - porn is NOT real. It is hyped up mostly male fantasy.