breaking up after 3 years.... need some support

[dancingdoc2]

A little earlier I wrote a reply on this thread that I believe you should read.

Your story depicts the many reasons why the dating process is so important. Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating should be an ongoing process in which we ask a person out and see where it leads. Perhaps it begins and ends with one date, others will proceed to a couple or a few, a few others will last and develop. Eventually, the field is narrowed to one or two people that we believe will be a great match.

Dating is all about learning what humanity has to offer us. By dating lots of people we experience different likes, dislikes, characters, morals, values, goals, religious beliefs, etc. In addition, the process helps us grow and mature and expand our knowledge of the world around us.

You've done the former by limiting your exposure to one individual. Now, in my never to be so humble opinion, and in agreement with you, you now need to do the latter--date lots of other men in order to be better able to recognize when Mr. Right comes along.

Maybe Mr. Right will turn out to be your boyfriend, yet you will never be completely certain unless you get in the (dating) game. I believe you should remain friends and agree to explore in order to become better individuals.

[browneyedgirl]

Thanks for the new opinions. I think there is a lot of truth to what you have said. And my bf has said he will always be there if I want to go back to him... which is so nice to hear.

I absolutely love living with him and I love him as a person. He is hands down the best and closest friend I've ever had. We've shared so much of our lives and our lives are so entwined. So of course there is sadness there. I don't want to give that up. But if we remain friends, how much will I really be giving up? Some preconceived notions of what my life would be like with him? Those were bound to change anyway. Giving up sex with him doesn't feel like a whole lot... I just want the closeness of him really. I want the companionship.

And I do think I will inevitably need to have other experiences. Staying with him, I will probably end up resenting him or cheating on him at some point, because I cannot go through my LIFE (which is a damn long time, especially at my age) without knowing what else is out there. That seems ridiculous. I have to date others. I have to have other sexual experiences. I have to figure out what I like and I have to grow on my own. There are so many experiences that I am closed off to because I'm in a relationship.

<By the way, Doc, what does a thread about the male prostate have to do with this? I'm assuming that's not what you meant to post, unless you're saying I'm missing out on a lot without trying it out....>

[EvilEvilKitten]

I cannot offer you the support you seem to need - because I have never "led with my heart" as you appear to have done.

The simple truth is that you two have grown in different ways and are no longer the compatible pair you used to be. The fact that you desire "freedom" is sufficient proof of this.

Do not regret the "loss of love" for him that you're currently feeling - this is the natural process of 'detachment' which you have to endure before you can go out and see who else is out there.

Please do not be in a hurry to enter into any more relationships.

One thing - stop confusing 'security' with 'love' - you feel secure knowing he is there. But that is not enough and never will be enough. You have only transferred the feeling of security when you lived at home as a child to this man - but that is not LOVE. Time to leave the nest and fly, honey.

[Dbondjuk]

Ok first off, wow. Does every girl think the same? You sound just like my ex gf who left me for some online guy over a video game. That is a story for another day, but still she said basically the same things you have. About how she wants to explore what she might be able to have with him or any other guy. Same with me, she wanted me to get out there and get other girl experience in and see what I might be able to have with other girls as well. Like you and your friends said, you should get out there and date around, make mistakes with people you only date to learn from, then when you find that "special person" you will have already made those mistakes so if that situation happens to come up once again, you will know how to handle it, instead of breaking someones heart or being heart broken.

I know when I was sorta forced to break up with my EX, it was really hard for me, but looking back on it now, I still love her to death, yet I can't really be her friend either right now until all this has passed. (I broke up with her end of January, still not completely over it for X reasons.) In the long run, I know i'll feel better and I will know I have made the right choice for me. I have done so much for her in the past like your BF has done for you, pretty much everything you have named and a lot more. Do what you have to do, do what your heart is saying, and for the love of god, please DO NOT lead this guy on because you are "afraid of hurting him", it will only lead to disaster and other things you don't want to see. Trust me, I'm there right now.... And as for the thing about him saying he will take you back when you are ready, people say that all the time, don't use him as a back burner and last resort, it's mean =/. And as for him, he shouldn't wait for you either, he should go explore as well. People in relationships always say they will be best friends after a break up or that they will always be there, they say that now, but in reality, it's not like that. It's a lot harder to do, easier said then done par say.

I wish you luck in your decisions and I hope you make the right ones soon before you hurt yourself or someone else. Good luck!

[EvilEvilKitten]

No, every girl does NOT think this way.

There are those who change their guys as easily as they change their shoes.
Some leave hard feelings behind them but actually - who can stay mad at a social butterfly? She just flits from guy to guy with laughter on her lips and joy bursting from her every pore! She's a delight but she's not ready to settle down just yet.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

[speedballz]

I was on the opposite end of this before. I dated a girl throughout college, and after 3 1/2 years she suddenly broke up with me. I was devistated. We talked for a little at firstt, and then hardly at all, and remained broken up for 6 months.

I dont know if it was so much that I was wrong for her, but more so that I think she needed some self exploration for awhile. While it was a depressing and long 6 months, We ended up getting back together and I am 100% happy it happened. She had time to try other things, self explore, and realize she really wanted to be with me. During the breakup she was with another guy for more than half of it. It was awkward to talk about at first, but then as time moved on, we talked a lot about it.

She was regretful about it because it was more so a rebound, and purely a sexual relationship, but after a while she realized so many things were missing from it that she had with me. Lesson learned, rebounds can be a good thing....

But my point is, sometimes you need to see what else is out there so you can be certain you love what you have