A date with my husband (VERY long post, sorry)

[NewlyPassionate]

Hey.

First off, thanks for the site - wow(!) have I learned a lot reading stuff here.

I'm 48, closing on 49. I've been together with my current husband since I was about 30. He's entirely my best friend. You know how people have affectionate names like "lover", "sweetie" etc.? Ours is "Buddy". Raises an eyebrow here and there.

One of the reasons we initially got together is that we were best friends, and while both of us enjoyed sex, we didn't really...care? I'm not sure what the right word is here. Anyway, we had adequate and occasionally great sex for about ten years.

I've never been one to talk about what pleases me. (Move 1/4 inch DOWN damn it - lol) though there were a few times when I told him specifically, he did it....specifically, and it was amazing. Usually, if I was brave enough to actually ask for it, though, it meant we'd both been drinking and therefore he'd be kind of fuzzy about it the next day. So next time I was into it, I'd have to teach all over again...assuming I's had a couple glasses of wine or shots of whiskey in me, and was feeling brave.

If nothing else, he could get me off with his tongue and I can always get off on my own.

We live very rurally. I'm not talking a rural area, I mean really rural old log cabin, off grid, limited services; have for six year, and it plays a part in my questions, which is why I'm mentioning it. :P

About - oh, eight to ten years ago, he and I mostly quit having sex entirely. There was the occasional tri-annual morning quicky ("Ok, wtf...go ahead"). As time went on, it got worse, to the point where other than in the last two weeks (more in a second) I think we've had sex three times in four years, and all of them were quickies.

As I said, I have never been comfortable talking about sex and what I want. And to a certain extent, I kind of didn't care. I can masturbate and get myself off in just a few minutes, so...what the heck? Why bug him?

In the past 7-8 years, dependable sex (that wasn't a morning quickie, just for him) has required Viagra, which was the only drug available at the time he started taking it.

Each of us masturbates (viagraless – lol) in bed 3-5 times per week (In the past, I've been great at ignoring him at those moments, and he never notices because if I'm careful I can be realllll quiet) for the past five years.

Three or four years ago I did start to care. I finally got brave enough to talk to him about it, about two years ago, in very specific terms: I need sex and I need this kind of sex. I twas the first time in 46 years I'd EVER opened up to a guy that way. His response was that my eyes were scary when I said it, which pissed me off; my response was to leave him for a week – lol.

Well, it turns out it wasn't just my "scary eyes". I'd gained weight after we got married. When we moved into our current situation, I was at about 170, pretty chunky. At the point of that conversation (2 years ago) I'm guessing I was...195? Not sure. We didn't/don't even have a mirror here. Way too heavy, anyway. The reaction really helped, in the long run.

By November 1, 2007, I was up to 208.5 pounds. Since then, I've dropped down to about 157-158. Another 10 to 15 pounds, and I'll be golden. Lol. (No praise needed. Just watched what I was drinking and eating, as I should have been in the first place.)

I write fiction as a hobby. A couple of months ago, in response to a query about something completely different, google kicked up "Is Erotica Writing For You?" and I stopped to read it. Consquently, I've started writing (mostly for myself) erotic romance/erotica as a hobby. Keep in mind, my imagination is better than any erotic scene I've ever read, and any scene I've ever written...this is just a hobby. But boy have I *learned* stuff!

My buddy thinks it's great. Been cheering me on as a matter of fact.

I have learned a lot about masturbating in the past 2 months, about how my body works. Very...enlightening? lol

Sexwise, since our "incident" where I left him two years ago, we've had sex once or twice depending on how you count it – lol – both times in the last two weeks, and mostly because I've been thinking, and hence, talking about it.

We had a morning quicky a couple of weeks ago and we had a very enlightening, if intoxicated, finger-f**king session. (It was fun. "Really? There? That's all I have to do?" "Well, not all, but..." lol).

So anyway, I'm still chunky and have a ways to go, but he's willing. We have a second issue, though, and that's that we live in a very rural VERY RURAL situation, where showers are difficult at best (and don’t include any kind of water pressure – lol).

In the winter, like now, we end up in a situation where we have drained the water tank to keep the pipes from freezing. This year, we've been without *cold* running water since December 10th. Thank god we have neighbors that will loan us the occasional shower!

So ya gotta pick and choose your times for sex, because there's smelly and there's omfg-what-the-hell-is-that-smell.

Annnyway, I talked to my husband a couple of days ago, and we have a date on Friday afternoon, until...whenever. (We work together, at home, for 15 years now.) We have a "shower date" at the neighbors that morning. What I told him, specifically, was I wanted to set a date that included probably a couple of hours of foreplay before he ever got off...that I wanted a date and some very selfish sex, is how I put it. He was fine with it. He's game.

He's listened to me talk and is willing to try about anything. (In the aforementioned finger f**king session, among other things, he let me try to reach his prostate gland, but we didn't have lube and it wasn't...optimal. He's willing to try again with lube – lol.)

So he's willing to try anything, but his slant on it is "surprise me". He doesn't want to talk about it much before we *do* stuff (unless it requires a purchase, e.g. lube). Since not talking about sex was one of the original problems, that makes me a bit nervous, but I think we can work around that. Specifically, he said he's willing to follow directions to a point, but he d*oesn't want to follow a "script".* (Sort of killed the idea of following EEK's "Program" lol.) So I really can't talk about this much ahead of time with him. (Or....maybe I can, if he is approached the right way. He's my best friend; he'll put up with a lot from me.)

For my part, I just want to try out a whole bunch of cool new stuff I've learned about my body and some of the new positions I learned about from this site that will work with said body. (Man, I cannot TELL you how I'm looking forward to this.) No pressure (as I told him) I just wanna find out what things *do*. (Jeeze, even now I'm blushing.)

I think we have one 4-year old Viagra left (no 4-year olds in real life, just lotsa animals). I've got 2-3 hours of times before/until he comes if I work hard to delay it, unless I can drag it out longer. I'm pretty sure he's sort of nervous. We live and work at home and it's Friday, so we could go for two and a half days. (Hmmmm.)

Where/what/how should we spend our time?

With Viagra, once he comes, he's come...nothing until a long period of revitalization. Are any of the other ED drugs better than that?

What critical question did I forget to ask?!? Rofl.

Thanks,

NP

[dancingdoc2]

> We live and work at home and it's Friday, so we could go for two and a half days. (Hmmmm.)

Where in the world do you live? This was just posted about fifteen minutes ago and it is 7:15 Wednesday evening in California.

I believe your concerns are serious yet with all the "lol" and "rofl" I'm not sure what direction my reply should take. Let me mull this over while I'm out dancing and I'll get back to you later.

[NewlyPassionate]

I'm in the north Idaho panhandle. "It's Friday" meant "our 'date' is Friday".

Sorry about all the rofl/lol - it's just the way that I think and write. We laugh a lot here. It's one of the reasons we've stayed together so long, particularly in a situation where we're together 24/7, sometimes weeks at a time.

Life IS funny. Trying to tell someone you've been with for almost 20 years "Hey! Dude! Just a little to the left!" for the fortieth time, especially when you know he actually cares, heck if you don't laugh, you'll bitch and that's no fun.

I'm in a great relationship with my best friend in the world. He's cute, funny, monogamous, talented, considerate...I'm spoiled absolutely rotten.

An example: I have to get up early, He doesn't. He also doesn't drink coffee. Yet every morning, he gets up to the alarm, builds a fire, makes me a pot of coffee, fills up a thermos and brings me a cup of coffee and a thermos in bed when he wakes me up. He uses a special cup on Saturdays. My life is pretty cool - a lot to laugh/be happy about.

I live in paradise. My sex life sucks. lol (sorry for the lol )

I think my husband is nervous about restarting it, even though he's willing, and I finally got him to set a particular date...Friday. We have to choose a particular day, because with our winter water situation, we're hygenically challenged, so Friday it is.

Is that any clearer?

You've probably noticed by now that I type a lot but clarity isn't one of my strong points.

NP

[Brandye]

.... and I think the Northern Highlands are remote!

[dlb]

I think that the most important thing here is that you are talking to each other about this and are actually trying to work together. I firmly believe that the best couple sex therapy is the do it yourself kind.

It's great that you have discovered this site and the forum as well as other things you might have found on the net. You will find a lot of helpful info and you will find that the regs here are pretty supportive of any sort of improvements and revelations that people make in their sex lives.

What I am wondering is why your husband takes viagra for intercourse if he is able to masturbate. Unless he is wanking a limp willy it doesn't sound as though he has a physically based dysfunction. Perhaps the thrill of rebuilding your conjugal sex life together will eliminate the need for medication.

If he says he has a surprise for you I say don't worry. It sounds to me as if he is making an effort to engage.

If you are going to make a weekend of it I say just go somewhere, anywhere, for the entire weekend. Go to the movies and to dinner, doesn't have to be fancy. Go out to a bar/club listen to some live music, make fools of yourselves dancing. And spend the entire weekend in a hotel where you have hot and cols running water and don't have to clean up the mess you make!!!!!!!!

If you have always been and still are best buddies you have a great foundation. Just a little perseverance, on a daily basis, a lot of understanding and a healthy dose of selflessness on top of the great foundation you already have and you should be just fine.

[Brandye]

Let's take this bit by bit:

First, the viagra. There are three drugs on the market that address erectile dysfunction. They are variations on the same theme and help the closing of two tiny valves that hold blood in the penis causing erection. That is all they do. Every man requires some recovery time after an ejaculation to rest the entire sexual apparatus. In teens this is measured in minutes. Many years ago a seventeen year old b/f came three times in the same condom without withdrawing from me. Not a good idea, but it makes the point that young men require little recovery. That same man at seventy may require a couple days recovery, so a few hours are not too much in a fiftyish man. After a couple hours, or even the next morning, there should be enough sildenafil remaining in his system for another performance.

Next, the hygiene. I cannot imagine going for twenty-four hours without "those parts" being cleansed. At a minimum put a galvanized pail, with water, next to the fire along with a bottle of baby shampoo and a few rags. Both of you should be touching before bedtime. Share the water, even share the rag, but do some cleansing. Baby shampoo need not even be rinsed real well.

A few times each week you two are lying there masturbating! OK, I have been known to finish myself off and we women have the advantage of being able to do that undetected. With male partners, I have never been notice (I think). With female partners, we do not worry about that and the other may join in. How about when you notice the bed wiggling, tap him on the shoulder and say, "While that is up, how about sticking it in me."

You have been learning about how your body works. Good for you. You are now the teacher. Get a copy of the Joy of Sex and the two of you read it together. No cheating and no looking ahead. Read it, and look at the illustrations. together, deciding what to try next.

You clearly have the imagination to write fiction (possibly demonstrated in this post) so you have the imagination to, literally, put things together in creative ways. With proper cleansing, genital-genital contact is not even necessary.

And, good luck with the weight loss. It is doing great things for your body whether or not it gets more vaginal exercise for you.

[wet_suit_one]

God frackin' God! 46 years and never had a discussion about what you wanted in bed? WTF is that (pardon my french)!!!!

I ask women what they want within 2 second of getting her bra off. I then tell her what I want. How on earth can your partner please you if they don't know?

Totally weird there friendo, totally weird.

BTW, the whole "...there's omfg-what-the-hell-is-that-smell," thing is TOTALLY HILARIOUS!!!

I've only gotten back on my chair now after reading that. Totally priceless!!!!

[dlb]

wet_suit_one, you take their bras off?

[NewlyPassionate]

Thanks for the advice guys.

I read back over my original post and was surprised anyone could understand it. (I think (I needed (to use just a few more) parentheses) (Oh yeah...and a few more lols and emoticons.)))

Nervous? Nah, not me.

DLB: He masturbates in the morning. Bluntly, he calls it his piss hardon. Definitely has needed Viagra otherwise, though we discovered a year ago that he had high blood pressure, and that's being treated now, so...who knows?

Regarding use of a different drug, mainly it's because of the Viagra "window" that we are interested looking at something else. According to the instructions, you need to take it 30 minutes before or something, and it lasts for four hours. Looking for a bit more...I dunno, leeway?

The hygiene, since early December...obviously an issue. It's one of the reasons I haven't pushed anything for the last couple of months, even though I'd been thinking hard about it, and we talked about it a little. I mean...ew. (I love where I live, but sometimes I really miss the big city...you know, light switches, flush toilets, water pressure, hot water out of a tap...just the little things. )

And yeah, the masturbation thing. Sheesh. When it gets down to it, I masturbate almost every day, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night. We talked about it a couple of weeks ago. He thought it was hilarious that he'd never noticed, but we have one of those mattresses that doesn't transmit much movement...I forget what they're called. And yeah, I wake up to him 3-4 times per week.

About a week ago, I was masturbating, about half asleep, and then he was masturbating, so I stopped, he got off, then I finished...We never even made eye contact, and he was totally unaware of what was going on. At that point I went "WTF. Something is wayyyyy wrong with this picture." That's when I made our "date".

On the date side of things we talked a bit more. A couple of things have changed. He decided to go to the doc tomorrow and at least get "fresh" Viagra. lol. He was concerned about Friday. (God knows why. We work from home, we've both been self employed for 20 years...the day of the week doesn't really matter, but...) Anyway, I was looking at the schedule - getting showers at the neighbors, 50 mile round trip run into town, doctor's appointment, pharmacist for drugs and other stuff, grocery run home and ready set...sex! I thought "Hmm. That's a bit tight."

So I suggested we move the shower/date part to Saturday, and he cheered. Took all the pressure off him, apparently, and now he seems totally relaxed about the whole thing. He has been all over me tonight which was...interesting.

wet_suit_one:

How on earth can your partner please you if they don't know?

Ya got me there. Not a fucking clue.

It wasn't an issue with my first husband. I'd hint, he was obsessed with sex, he'd mostly get it. He wasn't ever shy about saying what he wanted. With him, and with BFs before, I could at least say "I really like it when you do X", after they'd done something I liked.

With current hubby, as I said, sometimes I'd get him going just right, but the next time we had sex it was back to whatever he learned with his first wife. lol. Never stuck.

But so far as going all out with any guy and saying "I like this, I don't like that, I want to try that, what do you think about this?" Nuh uh. Never had done it. Sad, huh?

Funny, though...if there are any shy 21 year olds reading this, take notice: When I finally got very, very blunt about stuff the last couple of weeks, my husband was fucking thrilled, even with me blushing seventeen shades of red. He thought it was incredibly cool. (And wondered how guys were just supposed to "know" this stuff. I told him, buddy, it takes two.). His wondered why we hadn't talked about it a long time ago. So don't be shy. *ahem*.

Anyway, thanks. Wish us luck. lol.

NB

P.S. I tried to keep the lol's to a minimum. It was tough. lolol

[EvilEvilKitten]

There is a daily dose Cialis on the market now that may work better for him.

Now, let's talk seriously about sex.

Are you using all four of your hotspots? That is the clitoris, the G-Spot, the anterior fornix and the posterior fornix. If not, why not? Are you two following the steps outlined in the sticky post entitled The Program (see above) and taking turns 'leading'? What does HE want/need?

I ask because my experience with 50-something men is nothing like yours. I'm talking 4 complete erections/ejaculations in 45 minutes. A day's rest and then do it again. 12 hours of sex each week per man.

You could also visit www.wickedwomangruoup.us to get a new perspective.