Too afraid to tell my partner my fantasies...

[Toblerone1]

I've been in a relationship for 5 years now, and i've never had the confidence to tell my boyfriend what i fantasise about...and i don't know how. I think i tend to be dominant in our relationship outside the bedroom, and i am absolutley horrified to admit that what i really want is to act out the sort of fantasies i have when i'm pleasuring myself that are the complete reverse of my apparant nature; as i'm ashamed of them because i don't know where they come from...i think it must be biological...but it has reached the stage where i can't orgasm during sex with my partner without creating an elaborate fantasy in my mind...usually with someone/s who isn't my partner! Because i find it difficult to associate him with dominance...

Basically my fantasies involve:
(I should add, i have pain free fantasies, as i'm not into real violence, i think it's more bondage.)
Fantasies of being Raped/coerced into sex
Being forced to give oral
Being tied up/pinned down and blind folded
Wrestling, fighting, biting (me biting him)
Having sex with someone i can't see/don't know.
Multiple men at once, in multiple places...
Being spanked
Being completely and utterly dominated...
It's only when i feel like i have no control, like it's all out of my hands that i can relax and reach orgasm :-(

I have a small hope for some positive reaction as just occasionally, when he gets really carried away, he does pin me down, holds my head/hair, and he's spanked me before, but always become very guilty when he realises what he is doing...

But i worry if i suggested any of this to him, either his opinion of me would change, or i would feel very guilty that i am neglecting him by expecting him to 'take charge'. I mean, i initiate sex almost all the time as it is so i don't want to give him reason to avoid it!

[dlb]

It seems to me, from what you say, that your boyfriend would be into fulfilling your fantasies-only for some reason he is not so sure that it's all OK. have a nice talk with him in an intimate seductive environment while your are not having sex. Tell him what you like, what you want to try and ask what he likes and wants to try. Anything between consenting adults is fair game. Just use mature judgement and be aware of the risks.

There are plenty websites about this sort of sexuality you might try these two:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://www.sexuality.org/index.html

Many people have these fantasies, but seem to be afraid to express them to their partners. I am sure that if your guy is like most once he knows what you want and that there is n othing wrong with liking it he will be ecstatic, and so will you.

Best wishes,
dlb

[Fire1000]

I don't speak for all men obviously, but most of the ones I know would do just about -anything- once (and possibly more) if they knew it would:

1) turn their partner on more
2) pleasure their partner more than they are already
3) leads to more sex
4) leads to kinkier crazier spontaneous sex

I know how you feel from the opposite side of the fence, I have a lot of fantasies that I have had trouble explaining outside of a letter or texts. I don't want to offend or pressure my other half, but I suppose we all have to take a risk at some point.

If you are to the point that you have to fantasize about these things in order to get off, I am sure some of the more medically educated on this site will tell you you need to try them out, or your mind will increasingly dominate the mood. Who knows, maybe he has had some fantasies about tying you up and having sex till you can't move, that would be nice huh?

Good luck

[EvilEvilKitten]

No need to feel ashamed about fantasies - we all have them. And yours are not so "over the top" either. Many women who are dominant outside of the bedroom desire a passive role in the bedroom - you're AVERAGE/NORMAL in other words. Think of it as 'having the night off' or a kind of 'vacation from responsibility'.

The deeper issue is why you feel you cannot trust him enough to tell him. After 5 years you two should know each other pretty well by now.

[Xperienced]

My wife denies that she has fantasies. It's hard for me to believe that because I think most all people have them. I sometimes think she is afraid that if she expresses them she will feel she has betrayed me, or that she is evil, or she may think she will be tempted to fulfill them. I find the idea of her expressing them exciting.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Then tell her so.

[ljtsbabyy]

i have the same fantasies about wanting to be forced to give oral and being tied down.
so i eventually just gave in and told a casual partner about them and he jumpeddd at the chance! most guys would.

so just tell him, you won't regret it, the reality is soo much better than your fantasy..

[llblovesejw]

Your wife may not be lying. I don't really have fantasies either. I have one currently. That's it.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I have one fantasy left. I've done all of the others.

[shaved bi]

My partner and I are vary open about our fantasies. The both of us would love to live on a Caribbean island were nudity is a normal way of life. Unfortunately, none exists.