He's too tired for sex

[hemmer]

Lack of sex has been a huge issue for me in our relationship. We have sex maybe once a month. It's gotten to the point where I just feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. I've talked to him about it and when I do he says that I'm the sexiest woman he's ever met and he loves having sex with me. After the conversation we might have sex and then things go back the way they were before. He doesn't even seem to look at me anymore. I don't know what happened! Our relationship is otherwise great. We still have a wonderful time together, very rarely fight, and money isn't an issue either. (I just added that because money and sex are usually the big issues in marriage). In all other respects our marriage is amazing.
I just don't know what to do. I'm heartbroken. He knows how I feel, has heard me cry myself to sleep after he says goodnight and rolls over, and still doesn't seem to want to make sex a priority. I don't want to masturbate. I want my husband. I want him to show me his love for me in a physical way. I'm at the point where I'm getting ready to give up. I feel like I'm guilting him into sex. I don't want a pity screw from him. I want him to want to make love to me. He just claims to be too tired. Well, wake up! Here! Have a cup of of coffee! Sheesh.
Anyways...I'm open to any and all suggestions. I'm too hurt to argue and I'm beginning to get depressed about it. Thanks in advance.

[Brandye]

1. He needs a complete physical to include hormone levels.

2. The two of you need a few trips to a marriage counselor.

[hemmer]

I agree, Brandye. (So weird...I also spell my name that way)

I'm looking for a counselor now.

[dancingdoc2]

Please look for a doctor, first; if he has one, get him there sooner than later so he can have a good physical and then have his chemicals all checked out. A counselor is a great recommendation but first things first. Chatting is fine yet if there is something else going on biochemically, s/he should know about this in order for the chats to be most effective.

What worries me is why there is no intimacy. It seems to me that if he isn't turned on sexually, there should still be in interest in closeness and intimacy. That he does not look at you, turns away without snuggling and cuddling for a short while before turning over to "saw logs" leads me to believe that there is more going on with him that you are aware of that he is not fessing up to. Women know these things even if they do not know what the problem is.

[hemmer]

Yes. There has to be something else going on. Heaven forbid he give me a clue what it might be.
Unfortunately, I highly doubt he will see a doctor. He hasn't been to one in almost a decade. We've had this doctor conversation before about something else and he refused to go.
I just really feel like I've hit a wall. I'm lonely and upset. It just seems stupid for me to be so upset about it when everything else is going well. But it hurts. I can't really help that right now.
The part that really messes with me is that I'm joking to myself,"Well, my brother-in-law's wife is withholding sex from him. Maybe I should give him a call". What!!! I'm ashamed to even be thinking something like that, even if I am joking.
I don't know. I've never been in this situation before, so now I'm just rambling. It feels better to talk about it. So thanks for giving me a space to do that.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Hmmmm - this is similar to many other threads. You may consider reading them.

Your choices, assuming the absence of any medical condition, are:

1. accept him as he is and STFU + masturbate
2. divorce
3. marriage/couples counseling
4. find yourself a lover - w or w/o permission

Or you can be evil, like me, and do The Program, see above, on him WITHOUT letting him orgasm - just get up and walk away. The next time, use him for your pleasure and then once again, don't let him oragsm - walk away. He orgasms only when you let him. Do not tell him in advance which it is to be. Frankly, you're husband is NOT paying attention to you.

Once you have tried discussion, the frank and open kind, you have to try stronger methods to get the message across. Here is a man with a wife many men would kill for - a woman who wants sex more than once a month.

[hemmer]

Thanks for your responses. I'll give them some thought.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I prefer 36 hours per week but requires more than 1 man. *EG*

[hemmer]

Well, I would have talked with him again last night, but he ended up avoiding me all night. By the time our daughter went to bed and he was done working around the house he took a shower and went to bed. Maybe I'll just write him a letter. As stupid as it is, it's more realistic.
In the meantime, I'm tired of feeling hurt. So screw it. I'm going to focus on myself and stop being such a martyr. It's ridiculous to lose respect for myself and my self esteem over this.
I'll try to update as soon as something happens. Thanks for all your help.

[hemmer]

Ugh. Still nothing. Thing is...he went out with his brother yesterday and when he came home he made a sexual joke (something about why I wasn't waiting for him naked). Of course this was in front of his brother, so I'm wondering if something is physically wrong that he doesn't want to admit to. Because he ignored me for the rest of the night. Still trying to not let it get to me, but it is difficult because I still don't know what's going on.