Pressure To Propose?

[calipirate]

Lately my gf has been giving me a lot of pressure to propose to her, to the point where I feel like she's starting to resent me a bit because I haven't yet. We've been together for 5 years, and I know it's in due time, but my dilemma is that I feel like I'm in a catch-22.

I think I'm ready to propose, but because of the pressure, I don't want to feel forced into it, which is why I haven't yet. I tried telling her this, but she simply can't stop obsessing over it. Because I haven't yet, she starts resenting me.

Any advice?

[Dbondjuk]

Originally Posted by calipirate

Lately my gf has been giving me a lot of pressure to propose to her, to the point where I feel like she's starting to resent me a bit because I haven't yet. We've been together for 5 years, and I know it's in due time, but my dilemma is that I feel like I'm in a catch-22.

I think I'm ready to propose, but because of the pressure, I don't want to feel forced into it, which is why I haven't yet. I tried telling her this, but she simply can't stop obsessing over it. Because I haven't yet, she starts resenting me.

Any advice?

I know one thing a lot of young people do is propose to their mate, but they just don't get married for a while. It's more of a promise and to show them you love them and are serious. Maybe that's all she wants? If she won't listen to you and can't stop obsessing over it, I don't know what to tell you on that. She isn't threatening you by saying like, " If you don't ask me to marry you, I'll find someone who wants to" is she?

This isn't really my subject, good luck.

[dancingdoc2]

Please tell us what the rest of the story is.

Originally Posted by calipirate

Lately my gf has been giving me a lot of pressure to propose to her, to the point where I feel like she's starting to resent me a bit because I haven't yet. We've been together for 5 years, and I know it's in due time, but my dilemma is that I feel like I'm in a catch-22.

Her harping on the matter aside, what is the quality of the relationship?

Why haven't you proposed earlier?

I think I'm ready to propose, but because of the pressure, I don't want to feel forced into it, which is why I haven't yet.

Honestly, whatever the reason for not having proposed already, I sure as heck would not, now, with this behavior. She is her own worst enemy with this insistence.

I tried telling her this, but she simply can't stop obsessing over it. Because I haven't yet, she starts resenting me.

Any advice?

I really want to know the answer to my question. Is there a good reason for her to be so upset? A five year relationship is a bit long for anybody to be waiting, whether you two are young, have to finish school, or whatever.

I believe the two of you need to do some talking in order to learn whether or not you can get on the same page. In addition, please read the article listed in the Index that discusses the things people should consider before deciding to marry.

I think we are ready to live together!!
We frequently hear about people living together who later find that one, the other, or both are not happy living together. Similarly, we frequently read a post in which a couple is contemplating moving in together and looking for a suitable residence. Here is an initial Check List.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If you have doubts - DON'T.

Whatever's holding you back should be respected. What is it that's bothering you? Once you discover that - be honest - you'll know what to do.

But yes, 5 years - it is time to propose or move on. She's within her rights to ask - once.

While you're thinking about why you're reluctant, also consider her point of view - she's invested a lot of time in your relationship and now she's wondering if it has all been for nothing.

Get thinking.

[dancingdoc2]

just to propose and get it over with.

I'd very much like to know what is going on between you or with you, specifically. If you've been in school then that is an understandable reason not to propose; however, as was mentioned, above, if you know that life with the person is what you want, then a long engagement while not the best, is at least a giant step forward.

A proposal should feel and be the next natural step in the relationship. If all is well between you with no stumbling blocks like school or a lack of career, then not proposing is indicative of something not right. As EEK recommends, you now need to do some fact finding or soul searching.

I understand how popping the question can be a huge step testing one's metal, yet when the time is right, it should just happen as if you are taking the next step in a journey and simply walking into it. Do not propose just because you think you must after all this time. No no. Propose because you want to need to. If you cannot legitimately come to these beliefs, move on.

As for her pressing the issue, and presuming you want to take this next step, sit and talk with her and explain how her continued pestering is being detrimental. She does need to know and you owe it to her to let her know that you will propose within some span of time or after certain requirements are made like finding a job (or whatever) if this is a precondition. Work as a team and enlist her cooperation. If you give her some facts and eliminate the wondering, she will no doubt stop, secure in the knowledge that she can count on you. Next, make good on this. If you cannot then break up as amicably as possible.

If you plan to go forward, then begin saving money. Each of you should continue to maintain separate checking and savings accounts, yet, should open a joint savings account to help establish your future together. (Did you read the article I recommended?)

[calipirate]

hey thanks for the advice everyone.

Dancing Doc: To answer your questions:

We've been out of school for about 2 years, and it was about 2 years ago that we moved in with each other in a suburb of San Francisco. In the past, I just was not ready to propose (the idea simply scared me), but now I'm pass that (I think), and am willing to, but I don't want to feel like I'm forced.

I believe I am hesitant because I feel pretty lonely, as both of us went to school up in Oregon and then just moved to San Fran on a whim. Unfortunately, I'm one who likes to go out and do things, and she's not. I guess this holds me back a bit, but I may be placing too much responsibility on her.

Now the issue is I feel like she's been withdrawing from the relationship because she's angered that I haven't proposed, and I haven't proposed because of the withdrawing. When I tell her I'm going to propose to her she doesn't believe me (I guess part of her does because she hasn't broken it off yet).

I don't want to break up with her because I do love her and want to be with her, but I'm not sure what to do.

[dancingdoc2]

Thank you for the additional information.

Now, I recommend you read the article on what to do before living together, check off those items that have been or are being addressed, and then develop a game plan for the others so that you can be working together on your future.

[EvilEvilKitten]

No one can tell you what would be your best course.

Of course she has withdrawn. Of course she is still hoping. She's hanging there in LIMBO. This will not last forever. I estimate she'll stick with you another 6 months to a year or until someone more "into" her comes along - whichever comes first. Don't quote me, it depends upon how patient she is. Now about this not wanting to be forced...ok...but she doesn't want to feel used/led up the garden path/wasted her time. And, would you believe someone who says he will and then doesn't???

You will find that if you seriously consider the other person's point of view - most problems become easier to solve.

How would you feel if she just up and walked out; she moved out; she left without leaving a forwarding address? Are you willing to risk it?

Marriage is ALWAYS a leap of faith.

Do you love her enough to have that kind of courage or don't you?