Can it be over?

[Dbondjuk]

As some of you may know, I first started out on this site by looking at different sex positions and what not. Then I ran into a huge problem which can be found here: My GF falls for an online guy? HELP PLEASE!

I have done everything I possibly can to keep that relationship in tact by doing so many nice things and just treating her with the utmost respect and basically giving her anything she wanted, while giving her time alone ect...

Some of you may be proud of me, some of you may still think I am an idiot, but I finally did break up with her and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was still in love with her dearly and yet I still had to do the deed
Some things that I don't understand why she did them, but in the end she said she did them because she was tired of hurting me and she was tired of feeling guilty when i do nice things for her, all because she was still in love with the guy she met over the game/internet. She tried to fall back in love with me but that didn't work out well because you can't just try to fall back in love and secondly, you can't fall in love with someone when you don't want to forget about the other person.

Anyways, when I moved out of her house sometime in November, we agreed to take a break. I thought we were breaking up, and she thought we were still together. After about 3 days of me not calling her or talking to her at all, I finally went over to her house and said I couldn't end it like that. She told me she missed me and that we weren't broken up yet and she just needed time to think about things. Since I was so relieved to know that she wasn't breaking up with me like I thought we had already done, I took advantage and tried to work things out and compromise with her. She ended up agreeing to stop talking to this guy and she hasn't up until now that we are broken up.

My question is, does anything think that she might come back to me after thinking things over? This time, we are actually apart and its real time for her to think. Last time she said she missed me when we were apart for 3 days but she wasn't sure what type of miss it was. Now that we are officially over, I am hoping that she comes down to reality and realizes how special i was to her and how much I really love her. But I guess what I'm really asking is, do most people with a long history of a wonderful relationship get back together in the future? For some reason I just can't face the fact that this is not over yet. I mean sure, it could be a few months and I'm willing to accept that and move on with my life and see what happens later, but is it possible for her to want me back? I figured at the most she would really need to see whats going on with this guy. She always told me she would wonder what she could have with him and she doesn't want to have that "What if" feeling for the rest of her life.

I still think this guy is fake and that they will never meet, on his behalf. I know she wants to see him and she would take the steps to do it, but I don't think he is mature or committed enough to do that. Not to mention I think he has things hes lied to her about and i don't think that he is even 1% of the things he said he was to her. I probably shouldn't even care at this point, but i still do.

I have a lot more to say, but this is long enough as it is already. All I want is her to be happy, but I really think there is something messed up with this guy and I would hate to see her crash and burn and make another mistake. I love this girl so much to the point where we were both almost at the top of the mountain, i was going to ask her to marry me and all these things, then its like the brakes gave out and I'm falling down faster then I ever did before =/

[dancingdoc2]

This reminds me of a recent Dr. Phil TV show in which a woman began an internet correspondence with who she thought was a well known actor. The correspondence went on for many months and became quite intense. She truly believed that the actor had the time in his life to text her several times a day day in and day out for months. She gave "him" her telephone number, and would receive flowers and gifts. Long story short, it turned out that the correspondent was in fact a sixteen y/o girl in Europe! Once the guest learned the person's true identity, she continued to correspond with her acting as a mother figure.

My point being, your (ex?) girlfriend probably has no clue who she is corresponding with and as long as the communications remain in cyberspace, she will not know for certain if the person is real, a figment of her imagination, or worse--a predator! If she sends the individual any personal contact information, her life and safety may be at risk.

> I probably shouldn't even care at this point, but i still do.

CARE ENOUGH TO AT LEAST WARN HER OF THE FOLLY OF CONTINUING ON. Expect that she will dismiss your concerns.

> My question is, does anything think that she might come back to me after thinking things over?

None of us is a mind reader. Actually, she probably does not know at this point and when she does it will likely be a snap decision to which you should be wary of.

Your girlfriend seems very immature. Whether you get back together or not, I believe you need to give her several months to--
* get over this fantasy person
* mature emotionally
* decide what she wants in life and with whom

This said, I recommend that you broaden your horizons and date many more people in order to learn what humanity has to offer and to be better able to recognize when Ms. Right comes along. Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. For the process to be beneficial, men and women, boys and girls, should date lots of people, sometimes at the same time; and, all the dating you do for the foreseeable future should be non-exclusive.

Some "dates" may begin and end with a chat and dinner. Others may last a few dates, others many more. Eventually, as you expose yourself to a variety of characters, likes, dislikes, quirks, morals, values, you will begin to form an idea of what qualities work for you and what do not. As you continue to openly date, you will be looking for the person who best fills your needs and desires. The chances of this happening by dating one or two people is slim and might be a very big reason why the divorce rate is so high.

So, get on with your life, and if you want to keep a channel of communication open with this girl then do so. In the meantime begin dating and learning.

I do not believe you to be and "idiot", only inexperienced and naive. Dating lots of other people will help with your maturity, also.

[Dbondjuk]

Always giving words of wisdom. You are correct on a lot of things. One of those being that she will dismiss me trying to forewarn her about what she is getting herself into. This is one of my biggest concerns honestly. I can understand her falling out of love and things of this nature, but to fall out of love with someone you "think" you know, its not only immature, it is also very dangerous as you said and as I said to her many times. I think the last thing I would need is to get a phone call about how something has happened to her.

She is generally a very smart women, 4.0GPA in college, just seems like she would understand the risks shes taking. Even myself, being her EX now, I wouldn't want to see her get hurt or hurt herself in any way. We may not be together anymore, and she may not be in love with me anymore, but I do still very much lover her deeply and I care enough to stop anything bad from happening the best way I can. As much as I hate to say this, I think this is one thing she will have to figure out for herself. I just hope that she figures out what is really going on before revealing any personal information and/or arranging any sort of meet. If she does, I have suggested to her that she bring someone along with her and make sure someone knows where she is at all times.

I am trying my hardest to get on with my life, but to me it is very hard to believe that it is over. What I mean is, sure it might be over at this very moment and could be a month from now, but I surely cant see us never dating again - Not with our past and history together. I'm giving her space, not spamming her with calls, and just waiting to see if she calls me. If not, I'll call her in a few months to see how she is doing. I think that is pretty reasonable, do you?

Anyhow, thanks for advice. I love this site, its good for laughs and some very good info

[dancingdoc2]

Few relationships that end are easy, particularly the more we have invested in them. This is why open dating is so much easier. You can have all the benefits without the drama and trauma that comes from the end of a commitment. When you date lots of people openly some will go by the wayside fairly quickly others not so, and even when you have a long term relationship end that is not an exclusive one, it can be hard yet not to the extent that the exclusive ones have.

If your girlfriend has not reached the tender young age of twenty two, then her brain has yet to fully develop. What comes last sometime during the twenty first year is the development of the frontal lobe and with it the ability to "see around corners" and to predict the consequences of our actions. She may be smart, intelligent, able to get excellent grades yet not be streetwise or fully developed emotionally or psychologically.

[Dbondjuk]

It's weird because she always seemed to know exactly what she wanted. I always thought she was sort of mature. I mean, when we first met we were both very immature, but as time grew and we lived together, we both started doing things more adult related. Like me, I feel as if i learned so much as from different things in bed I never thought I'd like to being very domesticated in the household. I started to cook a lot, clean, do my own laundry, anything you can think of I probably did it- I was never like that before. I know my mom even told me how proud of me she was for learning all those things on my own, it felt good.

I did learn so much from being with her for those past 2.5 years, and it feels like I don't wanna just give it up. I have learned so much with her as it is, I just wish the thing she was learning wasn't what shes doing to me now

One thing I did forget to mention Doc, which was about your theory of how they never seem to be who you think they are is, they have talked on the phone several times before already, so I think it would be safe to say that he isn't some 16 year old girl :P Still, that doesn't mean he is everything he said he his and it still doesn't mean that he isn't a predator. I can only hope she figures out everything before it's too late... For the record she JUST turned 21 and this thing about the brain being fully developed, is that true for males as well? I'm going to be 22 in March of this year, and I feel that I can "see around corners" but sometimes emotion overpowers my ability to react to them lol.

Thanks.

[CrackBaby]

meh, she still likes the other guy dude, if you were doing all those things for her and your best there and she still wanted a break just for the guilt then what do you expect to happen once you are gone?

maybe you should just let her meet the guy and realize her mistake. in the meantime try to move on.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, the thing about mental maturity is true for both men and women - the only difference being that 20-something women are usually being beseiged by every other male on the planet and even some of the women - no wonder she's confused! Emotions are often the hardest thing to control - you will get there. Give yourself time and relax.

Just because you are no longer dating her does NOT mean that you two cannot be friends - just not lovers. NO do not ever 'take her back' not as a lover. Keep a watch and a line of chat open with her.

AND date as many other women as you can talk into it!
Go out every chance you get and see who you can see.

[Dbondjuk]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Yes, the thing about mental maturity is true for both men and women - the only difference being that 20-something women are usually being beseiged by every other male on the planet and even some of the women - no wonder she's confused! Emotions are often the hardest thing to control - you will get there. Give yourself time and relax.

Just because you are no longer dating her does NOT mean that you two cannot be friends - just not lovers. NO do not ever 'take her back' not as a lover. Keep a watch and a line of chat open with her.

AND date as many other women as you can talk into it!
Go out every chance you get and see who you can see.

Meh, the only thing I would disagree on sort of would be taking her back. I think if I was sure she "changed" and matured more, I would probably give it another try. I honestly cannot see myself never dating her again. Sure it might be a while down the road, it might be sooner then I expect. All in all, i think she just needs time alone to figure things out for herself. She has so much to think about I don't even know how she manages it. From me, which is her longest relationship shes had and probably most committed and what not, to going to school for nursing and before this year is over she needs to figure out where shes going to transfer to to further her education in the field she is trying out for. She has so much to think about I literally could give you a detailed list of them. And since she isn't working and I'm not supporting her anymore, its going to be that much harder. I feel kind of bad for her because it's going to come crashing down, at least that's what i see coming. I hope it doesn't but I fear it's coming.

One thing I heard today which made a ton of sense to me was : "If you have to think of what you COULD have with someone, then it isn't worth it. It's better to move along or take what you know is genuine."

I think that makes a ton of sense and it's basically exactly what I think of all of this. If she has to think of what she COULD have and what he MIGHT be like, then she is just going down in my opinion. But I guess you have to live and learn things like this by yourself...

In short, I would take her back probably down the road and I honestly cannot see my self not taking her back and giving it another shot. She really is something wonderful and I never thought she would do anything like this. She was always so sweet and thoughful and i just had to fuck it up. Theres always cause and effect with things and the cause was WoW addiction, and the effect was her finding someone else.I am usually nice and sweet too, just not when all my attention is being sucked up by World of Warcrack ( as some people who have been through what I have would call it.). That game already fucked me over once and basically put a fake personality over me, and once I got off that crap I went right back to who I am, the loving and caring person I should be who gives others the love and care they deserve. It's like some sort of manipulating spell over you and you really don't know what the hell its doing to you until you get off and look back and see what sort of damage you may have caused...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Having left you once for someone only just this side of mythical - why would you accept the insult of her coming back? I know guys don't want to ever say never but really, you do have to draw the line as to just how much you're BS willing to take from "little Miss Wonderful who I never thought would do something like this".

[Dbondjuk]

I dunno, I'm feeling like shit. It's been like 76 hours since we stop completely talking. No I haven't been counting the hours and watching the clock while I hold my dick in my hand, It's simple math and I have a good memory :P

Anyways I just don't know how long its going to take for this to heal. I mean I see girls all the time that I would "Do", but before when i used to think of them like that I would actually do it if the offer was presented to me; Now I wouldn't do it because I couldn't just do it knowing how I feel about this girl still. Like I'd like to go out to a club and maybe dance with a few girls and drink, when Im out with friends and even if other girls are hanging out, I actually feel pretty good, but sometimes I get a down point and get emo, but like if I'm just sitting around here, sometimes I'm thinking about her. Mainly right now I'm thinking about her. I don't know why. I'm like paranoid that she could be talking to that guy. Even though I shouldn't even care at this point, sometimes I feel really good when I'm convinced with the help of others several times that it wont happen. But I still think, that really doesn't change us, but I still feel a little better...

I think my problem is that I'm over thinking things. Too many what if's then I get paranoid or feel like my heart just disappeared. I don't think I'll feel hurt that much later in the future, and I'm sure I'll get over it. I just wish I could fast forward time or something lol. =/

I need more self control and stop thinking about it, but its easier said then done..