Withdrawing in Relationship...

[calipirate]

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the right section but I figure I post it here:

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 5 yrs, and living together for 2. Last evening we had an argument over something really stupid, and it wound up making her really angry, to the point where she wasn't talking to me. She started talking to me again last night, and we had fun just playing a board game, but then as we got ready for bed, she became a little withdrawn.
I apologized to her, but she still seems mad.

Fast forward into today. When she woke up, she barely acknowledged my existence, is pretty much refusing to talk to me at all today. I'm not sure what to do, anytime I try to apologize she gets angry. Now, she does have a history of getting depressed, and I don't know if the argument set her off and pushed her into a depressed bout..

Any advice? This is killing me.

[Jase80]

Don't become all submissive is a good place to start, you're entitled to your opinions on it and she clearly has hers. Just try and drop it and carry on as normal as you can mate cos when she will remember all the things she loves about you - she'll move on from it.

[dancingdoc2]

I do not agree.

There are two things men must understand about these situations:

1. What it is that happened that she is upset about.

2. Knowing how what he did has affected her.

Unless and until "he gets it", she is likely to be upset. A blanket apology does not repair the damage. He must know about #1 and apologize for it and #2. Then take care of the future.

The two of you need to talk.

[Ephemera]

The two of you need to talk, indeed.

And the conversation may go much further than you intend...

Stuff like this is more often than not a sign of a bigger problem. I wouldn't start worrying, because that really only leads to exacerbating things. What you can do is try to think logically: Why would this upset her? Should this upset her? Is there something that I can justify doing to make her feel better?

Because you haven't given us details, it's hard to say what the scenario may be. That's up to you, then. Just remember to look at everything objectively. You like this girl, it seems, so you can do that for her.

[calipirate]

Thanks for the advice, she said she was over it, and we had a good evening tonight, but now she's back in one of those moods, and after talking with her, I'm starting to think the argument didn't have much to do with anything...

She has a habit in getting into really bad mood swings, and shuts out those closest to her. My question is: for people in a relationship with someone like this, how do you help with the mood swings all while keeping yourself sane?

[EvilEvilKitten]

You have a moody and/or bi-polar gf on your hands, so try this - stop apologising, treat her like an adult and respect her enough to give her 'room' when she withdraws and gets into a mood. It is not your job to cheer her up, to cajole her out of it - nope! Stop making excuses for her. If she has a medical issue, she should fix it or otherwise take care of it.

It is HER JOB. She is an equal partner in this relationship and if she wants this to work out then she will have to pull her own weight. That includes being an adult and quietly discussing issues instead of arguing/fighting about them.

Refuse to fight. Listen to her. Paraphrase what she says back to you to make sure you understand what she's saying. (this is annoying btw but do it anyway) Then you say how that makes you FEEL. Do not apologise. You may say something like "that might have been a mistake" but that's about it.

Ignore her lingering moods. You are not a mind reader. Just say that whenever she wants to talk, you will listen to her and let it go at that. Do not accept the blame for her being happy, unhappy, sad, upset - whatever! She controls and is responsible for her own emotional responses from now on. She's not a child and she's not a princess.

What usually happens under this treatment is you end up with a happier home lived in by two mature adults.

[wet_suit_one]

Ahh,,, EEK, if only had that advice a few years back, heck, I might even have been married. Yikes! Maybe it's better I didn't get it... ;D

[CrackBaby]

you're giving her a license to behave that way.

my way of dealing with fights is to be twice as aggressive as the other person, that way they know to never cross me and always surrender.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Men are such moody people, WSO, which is why I know this stuff.

Also if you look under the heading 'warning signs of an abusive personality' you will find "makes you respsonsible for his/her feelings and emotions" - as in "I wouldn't hit you if you didn't make me so angry".

Making your partner responsible for their own selves solves many problems and works regardless of gender.

Sorry, I am a trifle distracted - just trying to imagine someone twice as aggressive as I am.

[CrackBaby]

men aren't moody people at all relative to women. i can live a perfectly stable existence even with a range of stresses and tasks that need to be completed.

by nature women are moody even in a vacuum just because of their cycle, they might not realize it but they even prefer different kinds of sex/men/conversation based on what point in their cycle that they're at. and there is a constant power struggle with women against other women, and this always manifests itself through their men and what they feel their man has in the way of relationships (even just associates) with other women. only very chumpish, insecure men even think about this type of stuff in relation to their girl.

by being twice as aggressive i mean i will never start an argument because everything is always perfectly fine in my eyes, but if there's any bitching i'll flip out back even worse. i've noticed that this dramatically decreases the bullshit you have to deal with with females that are even just colleagues, and beyond most guys fear that they'll be hated, i'm actually respected more and we end up going on lunches etc more.