Bringing up a potentially touchy subject (sexual hygiene)

[Donkey Boy]

I love my wife very much. We've been married coming up on 8 years.

I enjoy going down on a woman and did so frequently with my wife early in our relationship. About 3 years after we started dating and since got married she has gained a significant amount of weight (about 50 lbs. heavier than her ideal weight). She is very sensitive and frustrated about this of course. She does not feel sexy and I try to do whatever I can to make her feel so...although it seems to just roll off her like water off a ducks back

When we do have sex she seems to enjoy herself and lose her inhibitions although it is always in bed, lights off, and under the covers.

Anyhow, since she has gained the weight there has been a noticeable and negative change in her smell and taste when I go down on her. So much so that I actually avoid doing it which is extremely frustrating to me (and her too I imagine) because it is one sure-fire way that is guaranteed to bring her to orgasm. There is usually also a slightly pasty material in her labia now too.

FWIW, she has been checked for bacterial vaginosis before when she had an odor issue that was "evident" to her a long time ago but during her last several gyno visits nothing out of the ordinary has been brought to her attention regarding that or yeast infections or anything like that.

I tough it out and go down on her every now and then, but I want to enjoy it more so I want to do it more like I used to. I want talk to her about why I don't go down on her as frequently as I used to but don't know how to broach the subject without her permanently clamping her knees together. And I don't even want to discuss her weight gain even though the two are correlated IMO. Any advice?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Oh dear, I am afraid that you are going to have to understand that yes, she does know she's gained weight, and that yes, she has noticed that you're not enjoying cunnilingus - and she already feels horrible about it and it is making her even more insecure than she was before - the downward spiral has begun.

How to stop it - well, it is going to be tough but you're going to have "get all male" here and while holding her in a firm bear hug, tell her that from now on you and she are going to together for-fucking-ever no matter what but we have two issues (no need to specify she knows what they are) to overcome just now. We'll work on them together. You can rely upon me.

That's the message. Now in practice this means going for walks, going to the gym, swimming, biking, and eating healthy low and no fat foods. But most importantly - doing them together.

As to sex, shower beforehand, use The Program (see above) as a guide, and take turns 'leading'. My diet/fitness program is "don't eat and fuck like crazy" but while it does work, it does get a bit difficult if taken to the extreme - you do eventually have to eat something. Still enjoying your wife for 3 to 4 hours, three times a week - should give her some exercise if she's actively participating and the orgasms, well, the more she has the more she will generally want. The upward spiral.

Even if you have to fake it a bit - you have to be enthusiastic, supportive, and yet - demanding. We will take walk. We are going to the gym. We are going to have wild rampant sex tonight.

Do you see?

[Brandye]

Hygiene. Every woman should thoroughly cleanse the female parts at least twice a day and most of us like to do a touch up before sex.

Thourh cleansing with a pure soap or clear liquid soap. Shampoo rinses easily. Excess weight adds the issue of more folds to get through to cleanse properly.

[SoFreshSoClean]

Dude..Thats your wife,If you cant be 1000% honest and direct with her than who can you be honest with.

Just tell her what you told us and bare whatever the storm brings if any....

Life's short..

Jump the hurdle and keep it movin...Tell her..hopefully that will turn into motivation for her too lose weight and keep that cooter smellin zestfully clean

[Donkey Boy]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Oh dear, I am afraid that you are going to have to understand that yes, she does know she's gained weight, and that yes, she has noticed that you're not enjoying cunnilingus - and she already feels horrible about it and it is making her even more insecure than she was before - the downward spiral has begun.

How to stop it - well, it is going to be tough but you're going to have "get all male" here and while holding her in a firm bear hug, tell her that from now on you and she are going to together for-fucking-ever no matter what but we have two issues (no need to specify she knows what they are) to overcome just now. We'll work on them together. You can rely upon me.

That's the message. Now in practice this means going for walks, going to the gym, swimming, biking, and eating healthy low and no fat foods. But most importantly - doing them together.

Unfortunately the weigh issue has been brought up before...in much the same way you said to and there was with no response. I have broached the subject again when she gives any hint that it is frustrating her openly (very rare) but am not going to beat that horse ever again, because like you said, she knows about her weight. She is depressed about it but won't do anything "real" about it. But I can't change her or make her do it...she has to want it and do it on her own.

As for fitness and nutrition, I lead by example all the time. But seriously, her weight is not my issue.

As to your next point, I don't think she has any idea that I am no longer enjoying going down on her because I still do it, just with far less frequency.
Of course I want to do it more, actually A LOT more...no, no, no, A WHOLE LOT MORE because I know it makes her come hard and because of the upward spiral you refer to. The big problem is I am really just afraid to bring the subject up because she shut down with the first "weight" talk (many years ago) and has never really opened up since. I'm scared of the same reaction/result.

As to sex, shower beforehand, use The Program (see above) as a guide, and take turns 'leading'. My diet/fitness program is "don't eat and fuck like crazy" but while it does work, it does get a bit difficult if taken to the extreme - you do eventually have to eat something. Still enjoying your wife for 3 to 4 hours, three times a week - should give her some exercise if she's actively participating and the orgasms, well, the more she has the more she will generally want. The upward spiral.

Even if you have to fake it a bit - you have to be enthusiastic, supportive, and yet - demanding. We will take walk. We are going to the gym. We are going to have wild rampant sex tonight.

Do you see?

To be totally honest with you I'm actually starting to think she just doesn't enjoy sex at all and does whatever she can to avoid it. I hope I'm wrong.

[Donkey Boy]

Originally Posted by Brandye

Hygiene. Every woman should thoroughly cleanse the female parts at least twice a day and most of us like to do a touch up before sex.

Thourh cleansing with a pure soap or clear liquid soap. Shampoo rinses easily. Excess weight adds the issue of more folds to get through to cleanse properly.

My question is how do I bring up the rather sensitive subject? To give you some further insight, I am definitely the more sexually-versed in the relationship and love all things related to sexual play.

She, on the other hand, is more...dare I say "prude" (for lack of a better term) and even when we shower together (functional shower not a fun shower) she passes very quickly over her "lady bits" as if she is even ashamed to be touching them at all.

I mean obviously if I pinch my nose and go "PEEYEWWWW!!!" that's gonna go over like a turd in a punchbowl.

I'm trying to figure out the nicest way to give someone I love dearly not so nice news and am at a loss.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Leading by example only works if you're willing to also WORK - which means weathering emotional storms. Of course she doesn't like sex! If she did, she'd never have gotten herself into this situation!

The question is - are you willing to do what is necessary - risking it all - to attain the goal?

[Donkey Boy]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Leading by example only works if you're willing to also WORK - which means weathering emotional storms. Of course she doesn't like sex! If she did, she'd never have gotten herself into this situation!

The question is - are you willing to do what is necessary - risking it all - to attain the goal?

Actually that was emotion speaking (boo-hoo for me) when I wrote I don't think she likes sex. Just the other night we had amazing sex that involved good foreplay, toys, and great intercourse. Just no oral though...either way. I would have loved to have gone down on her.

Do you think a healthy sexual relationship is vital to a successful marriage?

[EvilEvilKitten]

YES.

But both of you have to work on it together.

[sexuallysatisfied]

I am not a doctor nor a sex therapist not sure who is who on this board. Donkeyboy I am telling you as a once averge sized woman to now cringing at the plus size spot in the stores do not bring her wieght up. This will cause so many more problems. You think not being able to give her oral pleasure is bad she will not do anything with you again. She will be so grotesque to you in her eyes. Can I ask something truely personal. When you and our wife have sex do you always ejaculate inside her? I can tell you if this is something that is going constantly, STOP. Does your wife douche? Most doctors frown upon this idea because douching take away the bodies natural bacterias that we need and maybe cause infections by doing so. I have always done and will continue to do it and have NEVER gotten any infection from douching. Hell my husband buys the douche and will tell me when something starts to smell off. I have noticed since having my partial hysterectomy 4 years ago I do not have to douche as much now. But hubby does not always ejacualte inside me for this reason and because sometimes its a turn on to do it somewhere else.

I think your wife would feel much better if you just addressed the difference in smell and tatse to her refraining from using the word bad, smelly to saying its stronger than it used to be. She will relaize this is an issue without feeling mortified about her weight. Tell her things like it used to be much more watery and sweeter now it has a thicker and more bitter taste or something of that nature. Ask her something like has my semen changed in smell or taste since we have been together and she said YES. Then the conversation will be much better for both of you.

I do know that during ovulation womens body secretions are completely different. I also know from my own experience that the odor and tatse is quite different if I am really excited or semi into wanting sex. When I am not really into it the secretions or wetness is much thicker and stronger. When I am really into it its very thin and sweeter with no odor. Hubby has told me. I also know that being overweight like your lady I am going to seat down there more and keeping my girly parts is a neccessity to being comfortable iwith hubby buried down there. I have always been a women who chaves and gets smelled up after my shower. I also apply deodorant in between my legs right wear your panty line lies. I also am big chested so deodorant under the boobs helps with sweating too. I always apply lotions to my butt and cooch along with my body spray. One other thing. Have you ever used the edible lotions? They are sented and taste really good, a bit messy and sticky but if the odor and taste is a problem this might help. Cinnamon would be a good start.

How much water does she drink? Water is a directic and flushes out the toxins in your body. Maybe suggesting something you read to make both of your fluids taste sweeter is better. Your right this is a very delicate subject. But I stick with the fact that you should NOT bring up her weight.