Wife's inhibitions?

[SunDude]

I've been married 6 years to an incredible woman. Our sex life has had it's ups and downs, in good part due to strains with the relationship, work, etc. We seem to be really getting along great right now, and really care for each other.

We have never done much outside the norm in terms of sex, but I have always found making love to be fulfilling to some degree because I love my wife and she is incredibly attractive to me, with a knock-out body, even after a baby, and the personality and intelligence to match.

My dilemma is this, however. When we make love, it's either missionary, because she's tired, and she just wants me to have a "nice orgasm," or she's on top, which is the only way she can come.

When we were dating and first married, I could go down on her, but she doesn't allow it anymore, and just says "it doesn't feel good for me." She also hardly allows me to touch her pussy, and never allows finger penetration anymore.

She has some difficulty achieving orgasm, and requires vaginal as well as clitoral stimulation. This is basically only by being on top, grinding onto me, so her clitoris rubs against my pubic bone, and my penis does what she needs it to do as she grinds back and forth on it. Don't get me wrong, it feels good, but after 5 years, it's getting just a bit stale.

I have tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't like to discuss it. Not normally an inhibited woman or person, I can't help but wonder if there's something she's afraid of (vaginal odor, discharge, etc?). We are very open about everything, but this one area just can't seem to be discussed. I have been very gentle with her in terms of discussing it, and tried everything I know to open it up without being pushy.

I know I'm a good lover, I'm gentle, patient, and very intuitive when it comes to making my partner feel good. And that is part of the problem. I am most fulfilled when I can spend a good deal of time bringing a woman to orgasm--with oral, my hand, etc. I know I'm going to come, I"m a man, and it's inevitable, so I think it really turns me on to spend a lot of time making sure the she does too, even before we make love. But this has not been possible with her for many years, and it's quite a bummer. I long to touch her, kiss her and taste her, and find the best way to bring her to climax. My fantasy is for her to allow me to pleasure her with oral, and bring her to multiple orgasms with my hand, and even a vibrator.

I bought a fukuoku fingertip massager, and am really afraid to introduce it to her, as she has told me she doesn't like the thought of vibes, etc.

Any suggestions? She is a progressive, independent woman, and I just can't figure it out for the life of me.

How can I get her to open up, let alone get her to let me pleasure her, and get her to tell me what she wants, and what feels best.

Anyone?

[constantlylearning]

I have no answers but would be also curious to know if this behavior or attitude
started after she gave birth??? I wonder if child birth could have had a bearing on
this at all??

[sera300]

I would ask about how much do you do to help out w/the baby? Can you help ease some of the strain?

Secondly, I agree w/the concerns over possible pregnancy being repeated & this may be in the back of her mind causing a lower sex drive.

Third, she should be sitting with her Gyn to see what's going on.

Fourth, what does she think about her changes in sexual behavior? This is not something [the topic] you delved into with us. Just appeasing you is not enough...why is she not "wanting you"? There is something not being said between you two.

What does she want to do to change this??? And does she????

[dancingdoc2]

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Number Three on the list:

> My dilemma is this, however. When we make love, it's either missionary, because she's tired, and she just wants me to have a "nice orgasm," or she's on top, which is the only way she can come.

Please click on the menu item for the site's Home Page and then have a look at the many illustrated animated sexual positions. There are many that can be explored that are easy and comfortable.

It is important for both of you to know and understand that the Woman Superior position is NOT the only position that will let her climax. This is one of the few that do place her pieces-parts in constant contact with a man's body sufficient to generate the required friction; however, this is not the only way for her to enjoy an orgasm! What about all the other positions?

* What a knowledgeable, skilled, caring, compassionate, lover does when using all these other positions is to reach around and stimulate the clitoris by hand!

* Romance etiquette states that a woman should enjoy the first orgasm before intercourse begins, and, the last, afterward. In between, the two of you can enjoy as many as you both desire.

These two courses of action should provide her the opportunity to have and enjoy as many as she wants. Go for it.

> When we were dating and first married, I could go down on her, but she doesn't allow it anymore, and just says "it doesn't feel good for me." She also hardly allows me to touch her pussy, and never allows finger penetration anymore.

What is going on? Have you asked her? Communication is key to a relationship and this includes the romance department. It is good that she made some declarative statements, yet this is not "communication" in which there is a discussion and information is exchanged and problems acknowledged or solved.

As for oral stimulation, when in the overall scheme of things are you trying to do this? The correct time is only after she has become extremely aroused by other forms of making out.

* Next question: Are you making out, or, just rushing to the finish line prematurely? Regardless of your answer, I recommend that you especially, and her for her own benefit, read the many articles listed in the Index concerning all the how-to's of Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting, and Foreplay. The two of you may benefit from a refresher course.

> She has some difficulty achieving orgasm, and requires vaginal as well as clitoral stimulation. This is basically only by being on top, grinding onto me, so her clitoris rubs against my pubic bone, and my penis does what she needs it to do as she grinds back and forth on it. Don't get me wrong, it feels good, but after 5 years, it's getting just a bit stale.

Asked and answered. Please use your fingers as well as your penis and pubic mound.

I have tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't like to discuss it. Not normally an inhibited woman or person, I can't help but wonder if there's something she's afraid of (vaginal odor, discharge, etc?). We are very open about everything, but this one area just can't seem to be discussed. I have been very gentle with her in terms of discussing it, and tried everything I know to open it up without being pushy.

Well, something is going on that she does not feel comfortable talking to you about--or, that she may not have an answer for herself. I agree with Sera, in addition to being more open with you, she should be chatting with her doctor.

> I know I'm a good lover, I'm gentle, patient, and very intuitive when it comes to making my partner feel good. And that is part of the problem. I am most fulfilled when I can spend a good deal of time bringing a woman to orgasm--with oral, my hand, etc. I know I'm going to come, I"m a man, and it's inevitable, so I think it really turns me on to spend a lot of time making sure the she does too, even before we make love. But this has not been possible with her for many years, and it's quite a bummer.

There is an ol' adage that says: "when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" She needs to recognize that the same can be true when Daddy ain't happy.

* Try and get her to acknowledge that there is a problem
* Encourage her to chat with her doctor
* Encourage her to listen to you then have a discussion about your sex life and how you want to make it better
* Encourage her to tell you about your sex life and how she wants it to be

> I long to touch her, kiss her and taste her, and find the best way to bring her to climax. My fantasy is for her to allow me to pleasure her with oral, and bring her to multiple orgasms with my hand, and even a vibrator.

Unless and until she is willing to step up and be a willing participant in this partnership, I do not see that much will change. Again, what is her ownership in all this and is she willing to have a better sex life?

Speaking of partnership, are you doing your fair share or more of the household chores or is she doing it all including raising the child. Regardless of your answer, see if you can do more. More often than not, a woman is simply overwhelmed with raising a child and doing all or most of the household chores getting little or no help. Keep in mind that motherhood is the equivalent of having two full time jobs. If she works outside the home then add a third. So, while you may work, you also need to plug-in and perhaps do more than your fair share around the house.

Think about reorganizing and re-prioritizing your time and schedules.
* Put the baby to sleep early
* Wake up an hour early and make love
* Invite your wife to take a leisurely bath while you watch the child(ren).

> I bought a fukuoku fingertip massager, and am really afraid to introduce it to her, as she has told me she doesn't like the thought of vibes, etc.

There's your answer. You need more information and this can only come if and when she is willing to be more open about what is going on with her and why she has the ideas, notions, and is adopting the standoffish attitude she has.

When she is ready to acknowledge that there is a problem, whether or not she has the insight or information to fix things, only then can she be a willing receptive active participant. Once she has made this step forward, then she can most likely learn more about the lovemaking process (how to fool around and also the many satisfying ways to have intercourse.)

For this to happen, she has to be willing to acknowledge and discuss whatever core issue is bothering her in your relationship. You have to be willing to listen, and both of you must want this to change. This is where a doctor can be beneficial. Next, consider marriage counseling once she has been to her physician.

I hope we have been of help. Got questions?

[constantlylearning]

Now that was a reply

[EvilEvilKitten]

1. What is her stress level like? Does she work outside the home or run her own business? Is she also homeschooling? Is she solely responsible for the running of the home? Stress kills the sex drive.

2. Having children changes a woman's mindset. What is the sex of the child? How old is the child? Where is your bedroom in the house - near or separated from the child's bedroom? Does she fear the child hearing or otherwise discovering you two?

3. She is not talking to you. This is a VERY bad sign! In the absence of anything medical, a woman in a relatively young marriage should NOT be losing her physical desire for her husband. It is too early. Is there something medical going on with her that she's not telling you? Have you asked her how she's feeling? Why is she so tired, for example?

You have simply got to sit down with her in a non-sexual setting, around the kitchen table maybe, and tell her how you feel. Do not assign blame. Say something along the lines of "I miss you." "I miss your taste, your touch, your energy, your throwing yourself into my arms with glee." Then shut up and let her talk. Listen to her.

Go to the sticky post up top entitled The Program. Print it out and use it as a guide for further discussions with your wife. Ask her if she'd like to try it - in steps. There's no rush. Do Step 1 with her and then stop. Do this 3 times this week. Next week - add step 2 and stop before she orgasms. Do that 3 times that week. Continue onward. If at any time she wants to stop, talk about why she wants to stop. How does it make her feel? Why does she feel that way? What is it that she fears?

After the completion of each week - celebrate! Break out a bit of bubbly and have a nice romantic time - just the two of you on the living room sofa!