Having problems and need help

[dtep24]

Okay so me and my girlfriend have been together for a little over a year and have pretty much been problem free for that time. Up untill a few months ago we have lived fairly close to each other and seen each other almost constantly but with my decision to go back to school to finish my degree I have now moved about 2 hours away. We see each other still pretty regularly usually trying to see each other about once every other week.

But okay here is the problem. After the first two months of me living away I started to feel kind of disconnected from her. She started a new job and has gotten a lot of new friends in my absence almost all of which I haven't met. Now she just gets so distracted and caught up with her new friends that I feel rather left behind. I talk to her about it and she complains that I am too needy and just getting jealous when all I want is to feel like I am still an important part of her life. We usually talk every night but her side of the conversation had become lack luster getting musty 2-3 word answers, felt more like we were playing twenty questions.

So that's when I went on her Facebook. Now I really know I shouldn't have but I was feeling neglected and pushed aside in her life and wanted to see what is going on with her. Was there someone else she started seeing? Was she thinking of leaving me? These are the questions I was thinking when I went on it. Well I didn't find anything... and she found out I went on it somehow and she threw a fit. She feels like I betrayed her and she can't trust me anymore even to threatend to break up with me. Things have calmed down a bit but she is still shaky on if we are going together, I am spending my winter break at home with her (about a month) and she kind of sees that as our make it or break it time. I am just not sure what to do to get back that trust, I truly do love her and don't want to lose her but I just don't know.

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. We encourage you to begin by reading the Posting Guidelines and the Index found at the top of the main screen.

> After the first two months of me living away I started to feel kind of disconnected from her. She started a new job and has gotten a lot of new friends in my absence almost all of which I haven't met. Now she just gets so distracted and caught up with her new friends that I feel rather left behind.

These developments are not unusual with people in their teens and early twenties. Why? Because as children transitioning into adults, we continue to grow and to mature long after puberty. The brain is the last major organ of the body to complete development and this does not occur until sometime in a person's twenty first year. Once in a while we read about a young man who is wondering if he will be blessed (or cursed) with chest hair. This hair sometimes does not begin to appear until he is into his twenties.

As we grow up we encounter new people as a matter of course. Some will become friends, others, only passing acquaintances. Some will influence us, others not so much. Our opinions, preferences, and, outlook on life continue to expand and change. If your girlfriend is younger than you, she may be in this phase of her development; also, girls tend to be a lot more social than do guys so this is also what is going on with her. You should not be threatened.

It is also not unusual to feel left behind when one or the other person goes off in another direction. When there is physical distance between you this can make maintaining common interests challenging. So, you might ask how do people who are in the military manage? Simple, they have already made a commitment to one another after having passed through the phase, above. The two of you are not there yet. Give it time and if she is truly interested in you long term you will get there.

In the meantime: DATE!

There is no reason why you should not expand your circle of friends and broaden your experiences by becoming exposed to new ideas, concepts, and activities, all the while maintaining a focus on your girlfriend.

Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is all about learning what humanity has to offer in the way of characters, personalities, likes, dislikes, quirks, morals, values, religious teachings, preferences, etc. The benefits of dating many people in succession or a couple at a time are to be better able to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes along; to experience new things; to have more opportunities to socialize and go out.

Surely you must know that most teenage relationships do not last--or the term I prefer: phase out--because in this age range, we all go thru many more "phases" than in later years. If you are in your early to mid twenties, this still happens, although to a lesser degree. The two of you might simply be in different phases of your lives.

> I talk to her about it and she complains that I am too needy and just getting jealous when all I want is to feel like I am still an important part of her life. We usually talk every night but her side of the conversation had become lack luster getting musty 2-3 word answers, felt more like we were playing twenty questions.

Table the nightly telephone calls. Really. Even ol' married couples do not call one another much if at all throughout the day, and if so, it is often just a paragraph in order to say "I love you", "just wait until tonight", or, to handle some brief business. If one of them travels on business, a call to say "I've arrived" is good etiquette. Then call every two or three days unless something changes or is important for the other to know.

I agree, your actions do seem "needy", whether this is your intent, insecurity, or not. This is her perception and she is indicating that she does not need daily input from you, particularly if your conversations are perceived (rightly or wrongly) as inquisitional.

If your telephone conversations are less frequent, more than likely their quality will improve as you have more to say. Also, phone calls should not last longer than twenty minutes. This is particularly true for younger teens, yet the rule is applicable to everyone else. Don't drag them out, often resulting in periods of quietness where neither of you has anything to say.

Jealous or not, there is a method of behavior that I believe is key to having a successful relationship in all of its many aspects. It is entitled "Implied Consent." You can read about it by doing an advanced search using my name and this phrase. It is also discussed in one or more articles listed in the Index that pertain to dating. What do you understand the term to mean?

Implied Consent means that you proceed to do this or that under the presumption that she has already expressed approval. If wrong, or when you have gone far enough with something, she will then state or otherwise indicate that you have reached a boundary. This pertains to social activities, dating in general, making out, making love. So, instead of always asking if she wants to do something, or if you can do something, presume you already have approval. If wrong, no harm no foul. This behavior gives her the impression that you are taking charge. Now, do not read too much into this, because you should ask if you are uncertain about a certain activity or if there are options, etc.

How does all this fit in with her perception of you being jealous? That you are always giving her the impression of checking up on or wondering constantly about her activities and with whom. I know you may only be curious and asking just to feel a connection, and if true, you should make certain she understands this. If you are the least bit jealous of her doing things with others then do not be. She is entitled to having friends and a social life that does not always include you. The same goes for you. Use Implied Consent because as long as she is expressing an interest in you, talking to you, looking forward to being with you, she is not interested in some other fella.

> I went on her Facebook. Now I really know I shouldn't have but I was feeling neglected and pushed aside in her life and wanted to see what is going on with her. Was there someone else she started seeing? Was she thinking of leaving me? These are the questions I was thinking when I went on it. Well I didn't find anything.

Why would you? This is a venue for letting people know only what she chooses to let them know about. If something happened in her life that she doesn't want the world to know about, Face Book won't magically extract the info and place it in her account.

Back off somewhat and use Implied Consent to move forward. As long as there is no negative feedback, then things are positive. You'll feel comfortable working this way.

> she found out I went on it somehow and she threw a fit. She feels like I betrayed her and she can't trust me anymore even to threatend to break up with me.

I must admit that I do not know anything about "Face Book", its purpose or operation. Whereas a diary is supposed to be private, FB is apparently an open book. If true, then can you or someone explain to me how an account holder (her) knows who all has logged in? Is there a record of each contact? What record, an E-mail or PM address? A screen name?

Regardless, if this is a public record, why in the world would she be angry that you looked at the latest information or any history? She is conflicted. You need to not be so driven to be "connected". Give her some space or do not be so obvious.

As for what the future holds--
* know that the relationship may end
* you will no doubt each date many other people
* you should not be in an exclusive relationship until ready to settle down
* agree to stay connected, to date, yet be able to date others.
If your relationship is otherwise solid, there is no threat


I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[Ducy]

walk away now while you still can...believe me...

[EvilEvilKitten]

dtep

Stop being a child. Please. The girl is feeling her oats and wants to have fun and yes, this may mean she's moving on. The WORST thing you can do is to hang on like grim death, check up on her, ask her questions incorrectly so she thinks you're prying instead of interested and happy that she's happy.

You're not jealous, per se, but you are acting scared and timid gets you nothing.

So when you're chatting on the phone ask her about her friends by name "What's Mary been up to lately?" "Anything fun going on at work?"
Tell her what's been going on in your life lately. Biology giving you trouble?
Need help with your homework? Sound calm, secure, and content.

If you can do this, you will keep her.

Then when you come back on break, invite her to introduce you around and tell her you're willing to participate in anything she may have in mind. Be confident, calm, and secure. Finally, TRUST her. Because that's what you little excursion onto her facebook said to her - "he doesn't trust me".