My spouse does not make me feel special

[question78]

I know this sounds soft, but I need to say it to keep my sanity intact:
My wife does not make me feel like I am her king!
We have had some infidelity issues in our marriage and I have been left feeling inferior. I admit to looking to other women to make myself feel better after the acts were committed against me, but that just seemed so wrong and I ended up feeling worse about myself. My wife has not been forthcoming in why she has done the things she has, or maybe it would be better to say that she has not satisfied my ego in her responses. I always feel like there is something that she saw in those other guys that she did not see in me and not knowing what that is has made me an insecure dude. I know all the men that will read this will think the same thing I would think if I were not going through this myself and saw another guy writing about his feelings. BUT as I stated previously I have to say it to maintain my sanity. I love my wife, I have since the 10th grade, but I just don't know how to communicate to her more than I already have the way she leaves me wanting...

[Brandye]

The two of you need immediate and long term marriage counselling. Once the trust is broken, it is very difficult to reeastablish it.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by question78

I know this sounds soft, but I need to say it to keep my sanity intact:
My wife does not make me feel like I am her king!

Please rate your relationship and tell us how satisfactory it is on a daily/weekly basis. "Relationship" meaning your total interactions from doing chores to doing things for and with each other, etc. If you are not meeting these needs, her wants, her desires over a long period of time, she may have given up on you yet not enough to sever the marriage. This/these third party individuals are providing something you and the relationship are not--and this does not mean sex!

We have had some infidelity issues in our marriage and I have been left feeling inferior.

This is usually a big blow to the ego and psyche. I wish I had something comforting to say other than what follows.

I admit to looking to other women to make myself feel better after the acts were committed against me, but that just seemed so wrong and I ended up feeling worse about myself.

Looking is actually OK. I am a great people watcher whether walking down the sidewalk, or an isle in the mall. In fact yesterday morning we were at a farmers market and saw this older lady all dolled up like you might expect on Halloween. We both had to shake our heads in wonderment. Her makeup and hair were partially Goth and partially from the silent era movies. So, looking is fine, just do not act; in addition, do not comment unless it is about the absurd.

My wife has not been forthcoming in why she has done the things she has, or maybe it would be better to say that she has not satisfied my ego in her responses. I always feel like there is something that she saw in those other guys that she did not see in me and not knowing what that is has made me an insecure dude.

There are two main reasons for infidelity.
R#1- She isn't getting "it" at home
R#2- She isn't getting emotional needs taken care of

Whether it be the husband or the wife, most people stray because their emotional needs are being taken care of by the third person. It is hardly ever about the sex, except as noted in R#1, above.

My first recommendation is to take your inventory as this may just be about you and something you are doing (or not) that she is reacting to. Look at the emotional support and interaction that she may not be getting, and is receiving from the other person.

As Brandye mentioned, you may require the eye and insight from a third party in the person of a marriage or family counselor to shed light on what is troubling her. In finding such a person, choose one with whom you both feel comfortable talking to because both of you must feel comfortable with them.

I know all the men that will read this will think the same thing I would think if I were not going through this myself and saw another guy writing about his feelings.

And that is??

BUT as I stated previously I have to say it to maintain my sanity. I love my wife, I have since the 10th grade, but I just don't know how to communicate to her more than I already have the way she leaves me wanting...

This is why you need the objectivity and experience of a marriage or family counselor. Y'all need to put your collective heads together and do some problem solving and this is best done with someone that the two of you feel comfortable talking with. You may have to audition two or more.

[sera300]

I agree w/Both Doc & Brandye...I believe the question you need to sit down & ask her is; is she committed to making the marriage work, regardless. Are you?
If either answer hesitantly; seek an attorney & be civil.
If yes; marriage counselor ASAP.

You do not throw away a good marriage over past infidelity...you are married. It's where you choose to go from here & how to get there.

Originally Posted by question78

I know this sounds soft, but I need to say it to keep my sanity intact:
My wife does not make me feel like I am her king!
We have had some infidelity issues in our marriage and I have been left feeling inferior. I admit to looking to other women to make myself feel better after the acts were committed against me, but that just seemed so wrong and I ended up feeling worse about myself. My wife has not been forthcoming in why she has done the things she has, or maybe it would be better to say that she has not satisfied my ego in her responses. I always feel like there is something that she saw in those other guys that she did not see in me and not knowing what that is has made me an insecure dude. I know all the men that will read this will think the same thing I would think if I were not going through this myself and saw another guy writing about his feelings. BUT as I stated previously I have to say it to maintain my sanity. I love my wife, I have since the 10th grade, but I just don't know how to communicate to her more than I already have the way she leaves me wanting...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Hmmmmmm.

What is it that you really want/need to hear?

The facts speak for themselves- don't they? I mean she's with you, right? She has not divorced you, kicked you to the curb and run off with any of these other fellows has she?

No. Then you must have proven to be better than those others.

So I ask again, what do you really need to know?

Why did she play with them? Several reasons I should imagine but mostly just for the fun of it. Apparently she can separate love (emotional bond) from sex (adult play) whereas you can not/have not (witness your guilt over casting glances at other women).

It is NOT that you're inferior, it is that they were different - they were NOT YOU.

It is a common belief, somewhat erroneous, that one person always fulfills another person's needs/desires. This is not always the case. It is also questionable whether one should even make the attempt to fulfill another's every need/desire. The jury's still out on that one.

But there is NO reason here for you to feel inferior. NONE. Think about it. YOU are the man she chooses to remain married to. She's played about and yet - it is YOU she wants to come home to, to grow old with, to enjoy life with in ways both large and small. You might trust a bit in that bond, buddy.

However many men there were - NONE of them could change her mind about remaining married to YOU. She's "yours" despite all they could do to take her away.

Counseling? Okay. But bear in mind - YOU'RE her KING and always have been.

[question78]

I guess you are right she has stayed with me despite her short comings, and mine.

daily life, the best way to describe it is to say it is marriage. Not great all the time, but I would rather be married than not. I admit to my ego being bruised, and I admit to not being around when the infidelity was occurring. But I was in the navy and didnt have much choice in the matter. and when it happened again I was working two jobs and going to school.

we have been to concelling and I wasn't a fan. I admit again that I had an issue sitting in front of this dude and confessing my insecurities, and again I never thought that the truth was ever going to to really come out as long as both of us were present. I did take away one thing from therepy, and that was communicate your feeling and I do my best to express how I feel and encourage my wife to do the same. I feel that the only way we can move forward is to express ourselves despite how it sounds.

So I thank you all for your input and it has helped. I have somethings to reflect on.