Why am I so possessive?

[Yariome]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost four years. We have had the normal ups and downs any relationship has, it has been great. I work partial full time, lost my job but working with my father to bring in money. She hasn't worked in awhile, she isn't very good at keeping her promises. I know this isn't right but I have confidence she will change.

Awhile back she took two-three breaks, month at a time because of my possessiveness she says. She started to have crushes a lot doing our relationship, probably 5-6. She's only 19, and has never been with more than a few guys, dating wise. Before me she was with her ex for 3 years, and then like three day dating things throughout her life. I'm her only sex partner she's had, i've been with a lot of girls. I think this is the biggest reason it's easy for me to forgive that she did all this because she never had a chance to experience life the way I did in the sex world ect ect.

My problem is I know I am possessive and jealous, I don't want to be, but I can't figur eout why I am. I have lost a lot of people in my life, but that's the past. I get mad when she doesn't call me for some reason.. Of course this is when she says she will and never does, but still.

I don't want to be like this, rather I end up being with her the rest of my life which I hope, or not. I want to fix this one way or another. I really want to be with her, and fix this at this point, so please people do not tell me to break up with her, that's my last resort cause I love and trust her with my life.

I'm hoping someone can help me with suggestions on how to identify, or even better fix my problem.

[sera300]

Back up...so you are back w/her???

Jealous? That's insecurity...how many times have you both broken up now?

What is there to be jealous over? Your own fears; they are imaginary or you know the relationship will not last?

[Yariome]

I am with her because she is everything to me, and always has been. I believe it's worth saving and that's why i'm trying.

I'm not so much jealous as so possessive because i'm afraid she will get a crush again on another guy and this time try something physical. That's why I keep freaking out when she doesn't keep a promise.

[dancingdoc2]

A) You are insecure and lack self confidence.
B) You have an issue with trust.

As for B), in order to get a relationship started, you must give a bit and watch what the other person does with it. Trust is then deepened by earning it. If the person using the trust does not do anything to break it, then there is nothing to worry about, unless or until.

C) An operating aspect of a relationship is "Implied Consent". We operate and move forward until the other person says or indicates you have gone far enough. This is how sex works, also, except that the woman also sets the boundaries and can advance them at any time.

D) A successful relationship is a cooperative venture in which two autonomous adults choose to join forces for the common good and to become greater than the sum of their parts. If the relationship is successful, trust is then something we do not have to worry about until it is broken--so don't.

E) Because relationships are cooperative partnerships in which the two parties involved are there by choice, worrying unnecessarily is counter productive, futile, and ultimately potentially destructive.

You cannot control each other nor should you try.

F) > she isn't very good at keeping her promises. I know this isn't right but I have confidence she will change.

The poof is in the behavior. She can promise anything; it is what she does that matters. Do you have confidence or is this simply a case of wishful thinking?

G) > I get mad when she doesn't call me for some reason.. Of course this is when she says she will and never does, but still.

If this is an ongoing pattern then I recommend talking to her about this. If she has sporadic laps then I would not become upset over them. People do become busy, sidetracked, or are forgetful. If she says she will do something and does not, getting mad is not an appropriate response until after you learn why she did not do something. Communication is key to a successful relationship. If she does not do something she says she will, do not get mad until you know the facts. Do not assume facts not in evidence--as the lawyer said in the courtroom.

Help her to recognize that her behavior is troubling, disconcerting, and, making it difficult to count on her. Help her to become more dependable.

Lastly, only you can decide to not be insecure, jealous, and mad. If she is going to stray, she will stray, and no amount of checking up on her, following her around, asking for a minute by minute accounting of her daily activities, is going to help. You must begin relying upon Implied consent, the fact that she is in the relationship because she wants to be therefore is not going to do anything to harm it or you. If the relationship is meeting each of your needs, then move forward under the assumption that you have her consent by implication. If anything, your actions and behaviors will place the relationship in danger sooner than what you worry she might be doing and is not. Work on yourself, not her, except as noted.

[sera300]

Yar:

I wanted just to be sure we are on the same page. Okay, so now follow what Doc said. Much truthfulness there.

[raez]

um..good luck expecting a 19 year old to stay with you forever without so much as looking at anyone else.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Dear Yariome, you're an idiot!! You're welcome.

How many times have we explained herein that jealousy & possessiveness are the marks of an insecure person? Having a reason to be is no excuse.

Obviously this girl is FLAKY and has NOT yet finished sowing her wild oats.
So why on earth are you trying to build a life with her before she's ready to build one with you?

Are you so fearful of finding the right person for you that you're willing to hang on, like grim death, to this one who isn't right for you?

How mature does that make you?

Time to face up and 'fess up. This girl needs a few more years ALONE.