Whats your opinion?

[amy_simcott]

I just want a bit of advice, but mainly your opinion.
I love my bf, with absolutly all my heart.
He has a child - 8 Months who I also love dearly, I get on well with the childs mother and my bf and the mother have never been a couple, so iv no worries in that department.
My bf has made it clear that he wants me to act as a mother to his child, that he considers me and the baby his family.
I know he wants his future with me and I with him.
I had a very abusive relationship before I met my current bf, there was no sex, I was always made to feel in the wrong and was manipulated for two years - this ex seemed to think I was his for life and let himself go and just asumed I felt the same.
After that relationship ended (thanks to alot of bravery on my part) I thought that I didnt want to get into another serious relationship, especially think of marriage or kids again.
Thats when I met my bf now - and well it kind of happened without meaning to.
We fit perfectly together, we have many similar interests but enough differences to make things fun.
The sex is mindblowing, he has helped me finally reach orgasm - just an added plus.
And I'v just never felt like this, like I can really see myself with this guy in the future, I cant imagine him not being in my life.
He truly loves me and looks after me.
I actually have Rheumatoid Arthritis, meaning certain days I struggle to move and am in a great deal of pain. In my experiance people I have met eventually find this frustrating and see me as a pain to be around. But my bf seems to understand, he tries so hard with me, and really helps with the pain.
He has told me how he feels, that in his 25 years no one has ever made him feel as happy as I have, that when his child was born he was terrified - yet now, when the three of us together the look on his is pure contentment.

My thoughts are, either on Valentines day, or on our year anniversary I want to propose to him.
Yes I know its very soon, but do you understand me when I say you just got that feeling? where you know this is what you want more than anything else?

Since my last relationship I grew up alot in a very short space of time, it really opened my eyes to the real world. With him I felt no one else would be interested in me - that was clearly wrong, but it made me see I shouldnt just settle, and so, in being choosey - I found what I was looking for.

I just want to know if other people think this is a good idea? In the very core of me I believe it is the right thing for me, im ready for this, I want to spend my life with him and his son.
If I were to propose - I wouldnt expect to get married right away, it's the commitment, I would want to wait until we had the money for a proper wedding.

Atm we have both discussed and decided to live together in 18 months - I am currently living with him in his parents house - I decided to go back into education to make a career for myself.

I just cant help the urge you know?

[lnt1103]

If you feel this strongly about it, I don't think you need anyone else's opinions. Go with your gut. I wish you all the best.

[amy_simcott]

Wow thanks, yeah I do feel that strongly about it, I just half expect other people to...tell me not to? I just wondered what the other opinions about it would be.
I suppose im always worried he might feel im stealing his thunder?

[dancingdoc2]

Far be it for me to tell you not to or that your plans are not good; however, I will suggest that you s l o w down. Part of your enthusiasm is lust and having a fellow who is tuned in and turned on by you. This is good, yet I do believe you need a period of time for testing and evaluating whether these feelings will last, will he begin showing a different side to his personality once the "honeymoon" period or newness of the relationship wears out. I recommend dating for a minimum of two years before moving in together or becoming engaged.


I think we are ready to live together!!
We frequently hear about people living together who later find that one, the other, or both are not happy living together. Similarly, we frequently read a post in which a couple is contemplating moving in together and looking for a suitable residence. Here is an initial Check List.

Use part of this additional time to further evaluate how all of you interact with his child. I presume that the child will visit or he will. The three adults need to develop a common plan for raising and disciplining the child. You cannot and must not have one set of rules at Mommie's house and another set of rules at your house. One or both of you will be more involved with the child's mother than you may now realize. Another consideration is in determining how much child support and college savings is going to impact your relationship with the man over the next 18-20 years, not to mention having additional children.

I urge you to continue the relationship yet not rush into anything without giving it the test of time, first. Right now you are all consumed by the newness and the fact that both of you are placing your best foot forward creating in some situations a distorted picture of who each of you is in normal every day life. You need to let the relationship mature a bit and to get past the honeymoon stage that can last nine months or more. This is why it is important to add the additional year. You do not want to proceed on how things are going now because they may be painting an unrealistic view of each of your personalities.

Proceed, yet wait.

[amy_simcott]

I understand.
And I know all about the situation with moving in with someone and finding out its not a good idea or it was too soon - did that with the ex, things were so different living with him - he let himself show more - which is when he turned nasty.
Whereas i'v been living with my bf now since september - having to stay here as its easier to go college, well, he aint ashamed of anything so he shows me what he is really like, we share jobs, I cant cook lol but he is a fully trained chef, so I do the washing, he washes the clothes and I do the ironing and we both take turns in tidying the room up and all that.
I will try to wait, at the very least by the time I would hope to do this it will have been a year.
The only thing that I think can really change my mind on this full stop though is the fact that I would also absolutly love it if he asked me, obviously as a girl I have dreamed of it and as he is extremely thoughtful I could only imagine what he would do.
But I will see, I just thought it would be different and exciting to do it myself.
I will think about what you said Doc, after reading much of your other posts you do talk sense and I understand where you are coming from.
I am trying not to be naive and childish - so I will give it more thought. It's not like I havent got my whole life ahead of me anyway I guess.
Just cant help how I feel

[SoFreshSoClean]

In my opinion i think that you should enjoy what you have for now and not think about the next step so soon. This new baby is rather "New" to the relationship and your part will manifest itself over time. You have no bad blood with his childs mother and thats great but again this situation is new.

You stepped out of a 2yr relationship that was bad for you and now you are feeling what it feels like to be treated the right way..enjoy...that step of marriage isnt one that happens over night. There is NO limit to the "3rd" plate so too speak....Marriage being home plate doesnt mean the game is over but in my opinion take the time too go around the plates and bask in the glory...there is NO rush...i say do something special on valentines day but there is no need to go there on the proposal so soon.

[amy_simcott]

Hmm. I will wait.
I kinda start to get the feeling he would want to do it anyhow.
I really have no idea what to do on valentines day though...i need time, because I want it to be special - iv never had a good one before, I dont want it to be the ordinary valentines nearly most couples have.

[aamilne]

It is really lovely when u click together in ways that seem to unfold endlessly, and which u could spend hours analysing. Like that scene in Breakfast At Tiffany’s, where Sam Peppard and Audrey lark around in the Five-and-Dime Store, trying on masks, teasing the security guard. All the time, enjoying discovering they share many attitudes.

Wise heads have touched on:

- how his child (8 months) will react to a new or additional adult carer or "mother"
- how his child will react to a new or additional girl friend, lover, life partner for father

I say this because probably the best thing (OK, one of) I did in life was to get to know a woman with 2 young children (2yr & 4yr), and put myself at her disposal as quasi father, additional source of finance, someone who made her happy. It worked very well, they are now young adults, 21 & 23, and she and I are v good friends. But, I was relatively young - 24 - when I first knew her. Retrospectively, I get butterflies when I think of the complications that could have arisen. And I purposely simplified matters by saying she and I would never have our own children, and we would not get married. Don't tell me I was ruthless...

It leaps off the page that u say "my bf and the mother have never been a couple, so iv no worries in that department." Romantically - maybe. Parentally, not true.

Dancing Doc has set out some vital considerations for parenting rules and maintenance between different households.

Now, the bottom line is that the natural mother can't be deprived of parental responsibility, though that is to put it rather coldly. Moreover, unless your b/f and the natural mother have come to some arrangements, the position is still that he has no automatic parental responsibility.

Check out http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/...hts/DG_4002954

Supposing she gets married, and (for whatever reason) wanted exclusive parental control with her new husband of the child, which u and b/f (perhaps by that stage married) had formed a deep relationship with?

Now also think how things might have further developed if/when you and b/f have your own children. Suppose your children and his child have become deeply bonded siblings. If ur thinking of marriage, u must in your mind be contemplating that. Simple question - have u and he discussed having children?

Hmm ... frame works for romance, friendship, love and erotic intimacy are different from those for child rearing. And this is from someone who often likes to spice up party conversation with the line "monogamy is intrinsically perverse".

All the world of happiness and success to u and him. One is not both young and in love forever. Christina Rosetti says it well, like a burning arrow of desire and exultation:

"My heart is like a singing bird
Whose nest is in a watered shoot...
...Because the birthday of my life
Is come, my love, is come to me."

http://www.recmusic.org/lieder/get_t...l?TextId=13937

Send him a Valentine with the whole poem.

[sera300]

I went back & read your original post. I have to ask one aspect here; you have RA & severe based upon your symptoms?

How will this man handle this is 20 years and what are your thoughts on the potential for a child of yours being born with it? Are you capable of being off all the meds to have a child?

You have not said how long you have known him..have you thought through all this and your future with him & even say he has his child? What will be your ability in 10-15 years?

Have you ever tried any of the Anti-TNF drugs? This is a very significant part of your life for those who do not get it, I do know you do, which is perhaps why you want to hurry and have the "normal" life...but have you thought through this and done all possible to give yourself the best quality of life? Add a child full-time care to you? CAN YOU REALLY HANDLE THE PYSICAL STRESS?

I am not trying to "poop on your party"; however, I had to look as such questions myself.

[amy_simcott]

First of all, I have really bonded with his child, and he seems to have coped with me quite well, I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months - and his child is only 8 months - so when I met him the child was not long born so hasnt had any reactions.
The mother who I really like and have gotten to know also has a boyfriend, who is also in the same position as me.
The mother and my bf have been friends since they were 2 years old, she has already said she would never go for full custody - my bf had the choice if he wanted to be part of this childs life and he said yes - so she is keeping him in it - she wants what is best for the baby.
I really have learnt to love him as my own, but I dont treat him as such because I know I am not his mother and I will treat myself as that.
I know my bf has responsibilities when it comes to his son, and I dont stand in the way of that.
We have discussed in great detail about us having our own children - to which we are going to have one.
To put about my condition - I have spoken to my specialist about children and this condition is NOT hereditary, I got it by chance, no one else in my family has it - Osteo Arthritis is the hereditary one.
When I want to have a child I have to be off my medication for atleast six months, and when I do get pregnant, my bodies natural defences will take over for the duration. In alot of cases pregnancy has actually cured this form of arthritis - obviously I hope for that but dont expect it.
For the reason that I have to be off my medication so long before I am only allowing myself one child, my bf agrees as then he will already have two.
Also the medication I am on free's me of any pain and is the golden treatment - as long as I continue with it I will not get any worse and will live a completly normal life.
I am in no way worried about having a child as I have done my own extensive research.
I hope this clears up a few of your questions lol.
I do appreciate your advice, I have actually thought about this alot and have decided to not do it anyway, I would much rather him ask me when he is ready.