You've lost that lovin' feeling.

[Lady Jo]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now, and in our first year of dating we were very physical with each other which I know it isn't that new for young lovers, but within this recent year I have found that I am less interested in sex, and this is a new change for me.
Between my lover, and myself I have the larger sex drive, and exotic cravings, but for the last 6 months, or so I haven't touched my boyfriend.
Our intimacy is there, and I love him very much, I am content, and, so is he.
However the desire to have sex with him has completely gone it feels like.
Even though he wants it, and begs to have sex with me....it just isn't there.
I've explored a few ideas of stress, depression, or any kind of emotional issue, but the thing that keeps me from thinking it is emotional is that I can be in class for my college, or when he is away on his trips I get incredibly turned on. Or even if he is near me, and I get an tickling desire I quickly poo-poo it away.
I can't help wondering - am I too comfortable with my lover?
I also wonder if it's because I might have some problems with my boyfriend in the bedroom.
Before he met me he was pretty straight-laced when it came to sex.
Adopted into a Christian family when he was a child he grew up thinking pre-marital sex was a big no-no, so when I came along, and blew that out of the water, and when he found out that I've had a few partners before him he became very angry, and in several conversations (especially conversations of me telling him about my fantasies) he would call me a slut, or even worse a prostitute. He also said I was easy especially since I am 20, and have had a few partners already.
Even when I explained to him my situations with my other partners it just didn't help it.
So I am thinking between my fear of really blossoming in the bedroom with him, and just now being comfortable of being a good girl with him that my sex drive has just died off.

My question to anyone who reads this is; what should I do? How should I tell him my problems? Have you ever been in this situation with a previous, or current partner, and how did you deal with it?

I don't want to break up with him because he has some backwards thinking, but I also don't want to marry him if he still might think I am "dirty." And not a good kind of dirty either.

So advice? Insight?
Thank you -
Lady Jo.

[sera300]

I guess if my boyfriend calling me a slut or a prostitue that would turn off any sex drive; it was also get him kicked to the curb permanently. Ever think your "problem" is his attitude & you tolerating it?

[Jonathan_Philips]

There is actually a time and a place when calling your partner a "slut" can be a very good thing, but I suspect that poor Lady Jo is not getting to experience it in that way.

I am afraid the answer seems obvious to me Lady Jo: yours and your partner's attitudes towards sex are not compatible. I would suggest you stop looking for answers beyond that and do a little soul-searching to see if you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

It sucks, but sometimes the truth is straight-forward.

Good luck!

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Jonathan_Philips

There is actually a time and a place when calling your partner a "slut" can be a very good thing, but I suspect that poor Lady Jo is not getting to experience it in that way.

I am afraid the answer seems obvious to me Lady Jo: yours and your partner's attitudes towards sex are not compatible. I would suggest you stop looking for answers beyond that and do a little soul-searching to see if you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

It sucks, but sometimes the truth is straight-forward.

Good luck!

Yes, when it's in a playful way & both are comfortable w/it. Not in an angry way as he has. That demonstrates NO respect. If I know the man & am 100% comfortable, know he respects me, well, all "flys" with me. He better hope he is ready to be called the same as well; he can be "my dirty sex whore too". But it's all fun & games...

However, her situation was far from the nasty type of lovin'; he used it to degrade her.

[raez]

I was in a relationship similar to what you are experienceing. My ex's values towards sex and mine were misaligned, he was a virgin before me, and would sometimes use the fact that I had been with other people as something to hold against me. I too lost my desire for him. He would often apologize after saying something nasty to me, telling me he didn't mean it, he didn't really think those things about me. But the way i see it, he wouldn't have said them if some part of him didn't really believe it, not to mention the fact that he was saying things intentionally to hurt me, which is reason enough to dump him. When I ended it with him, surprise surprise, his last words to me were something along of the lines of "well go have fun slutting it up" mature yeah?

Like the others have said, you need to realize what it is that YOU want. It is essential that sexual partners be comfortable with expressing their sexual desires to their partner. You should not be behaving however HE WANTS you to in bed. You need to be with someone with whom you can have sex the way YOU enjoy it, and know that he is enjoying it as well.

You need to at least sit down with your bf and tell him how he is making you feel and try to find out what his actual perceptions of you are. Explain to him that things need to change, and if he doesn't change his ways of treating you, he has no business being with you.

It is completely unhealthy for you to continue on in a relationship with a guy who is able to call you "slut" or "easy" in negative ways, no matter how many times more he may say he loves you. It is disrespect and nothing but. How can someone truly love another person without respecting them fully?

Give that a think, be strong, and do what is right for YOU.

[Jonathan_Philips]

Originally Posted by sera300

Yes, when it's in a playful way & both are comfortable w/it. Not in an angry way as he has. That demonstrates NO respect. If I know the man & am 100% comfortable, know he respects me, well, all "flys" with me. He better hope he is ready to be called the same as well; he can be "my dirty sex whore too". But it's all fun & games...

However, her situation was far from the nasty type of lovin'; he used it to degrade her.

I was only teasing Sera; forgive me. I agree with what you have said completely.

I don't think I got my point across fully that Lady Jo seems to be blaming herself for the situation she now finds herself in when it takes two to tango.

I have no right to suggest that a person splits with their partner and I won't, but do bear in mind that a healthy sex life is extremely important to most couples and where one is left frustrated that tends to eat away over time. Life's too short not to be enjoyed.

Best wishes!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay so it has been two years.
And he's now begging for sex!

So - you have to readjust your thinking. My guess is that you need "a challenge" and that is juvenile. Here you have gone and blown his world apart and have gotten him wanting sex and now you're going to blow him off??!?!

I'd also inclined to think that you are getting over being infatuated with if not him, with the idea of 'changing his mind'. Another bit of puerile behavior. You know if you continue this way, you're going to completely ruin men and make it harder for the next girl. Gee thanks, friend.

I say the above because when you cannot have him, you're crazy with desire, when you can, you aren't. Trust me - having a guy wanting you is great and you should be enjoying him at every opportunity! Life has a way of making that impossible all on its own and doesn't need your help.

Just think - "this man will please me" and then help him do so.
Please do The Program and Body Worship because I'd be willing to bet, you really don't know him at all yet.

[Jonathan_Philips]

Crikey! That sounds like you are assuming an awful lot given the information Lady Jo shared with us EEK. You are right that a relationship should be given a chance before it is walked away from, though.

[lnt1103]

Being called a slut would have ended both the conversation and the relationship right then and there if it was me. His problems with your past experiences, when they cause a reaction to that degree, are precisely that--HIS problems. He's more than welcome to go right on about his merry way and find someone he can treat respectfully.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I am assuming nothing:

"Our intimacy is there, and I love him very much, I am content, and, so is he.
However the desire to have sex with him has completely gone it feels like.
Even though he wants it, and begs to have sex with me....it just isn't there."

and

"is that I can be in class for my college, or when he is away on his trips I get incredibly turned on. Or even if he is near me, and I get an tickling desire I quickly poo-poo it away. "

and she's 20 - so yeah, she's right in the 'window' for being "flaky" or what men regard as "being flaky" - not knowing her own mind or exactly what she wants. Then she asks if "she's too comfortable with her lover". Mature women prize this stage of a relationship because that's when it really starts getting AWESOME but these young chicks crave 'excitement' rather than depth so - there she is - she said it all.