Sex Strike!!

[Beans518]

My friends think I'm mean and crazy, but I'm thinking of going on a sex strike.I've been with the same person for 7yrs. and the sex is still not good. At first I faked it. Then he found out(by reading an IM to a friend) that I thought that sex with him sucks.

So now he knows and it's 2yrs. after he found out and it's still the same thing.I mean he's trying but not hard enough.There is no foreplay, I don't kiss him and the sex is still short(5 mins)(10 @ most). I suggest things for us to do and he just smiles at me. Other times he'll ask me what can he do to make it better. I'll suggest something and he"ll say "Naw, that's not it".

People have told me to try to teach him,but He's 33 if he doesn't understand how to satisfy a person by now he never will. So now I'm at the point where I just don't want to have sex with him at all and I feel so lonely sometimes I just cry!

Do you know how that when you have good sex and you just bask in it for a while? Well after sex here, I get straight up,wash up and go clean the house or worse yet read a book! What am I supposed to do?

[sera300]

Okay Beans after 7 years; don't ya' think he can get it right????

Sex strike? Yes. Leave him? Yes. However, I know the latter is not your option...

[dancingdoc2]

> Okay Beans after 7 years; don't ya' think he can get it right?

...you'd think, yet if the fellow doesn't care enough to analyze the situation, perhaps a sex strike will eventually cause him to wonder and comment.

Have you read the articles listed in the Index?

While they may give you some insight for improving what you do, I'm not certain how you can interest him into wanting to improve the situation when he is obviously content with the way things are. If you ever do get his attention and capture his interest, these how-to articles would be the first thing I'd have him read and then discuss with you.

After all that I have read and learned, I still do not know how to get a man's attention and to realize when his wife is not happy. Often when he does come to this realization, he adopts the attitude of "well this is her problem, not mine" and proceeds no further. What an oaf!

So what do you do when you do go on strike? Smile. Exude happiness. Tell him your sex life is not enjoyable and if this is the case what about your marriage is he not happy with.

Have you tried to take charge at any point? If not, you might consider trying one or more of the following.

* Actually taking the initiative and having your way with him and not ending the episode until YOU are ready. Squelch any opposition he makes by saying that his is as much about you as it is him.

* Take the initiative after lovemaking begins.
+ Titillate him, tantalize him, tease him, bring him to the brink of a climax more than once yet stopping short until after he begs for an orgasm more than once. There are two objectives; first, to prolong love making; second, to make it sooo good for him he wants more.

Will either/both work? I do not know. Much depends upon how plugged in he is to you and your marriage. You might want to try and determine if in fact he is dissatisfied yet clueless about what to do to turn things around.

How long should you strike? How long can you hold out? One of two endings will be likely; first, nothing will change and he'll just adapt; second; he will eventually want to know what is going on. If and when this happens, have a heart to heart talk with him.

* Determine if he is unhappy with the relationship
* Ask if he is happy with the way you make love
* Inform him that you want more for him as well as you and that variety is spice. Use this opportunity to add anything else that is on your mind.

* Encourage him to take more of an interest and to determine why he is not interested in making improvements or learning new things.

Once you get to this point you should have some information and insight into what to do next.

I do hope all of this has been of help.

[Gorgeous Mistake]

If he does not even take your suggestions during sex, which would benefit him, I do not see how he would try to make the relationship better (if there were any problems) elsewhere.

As my boyfriend has said, "Why wouldn't I want to make sex feel better for you, that means you'll want it more and I'll get it more."

It almost seems to me that he doesn't give a crap about how you feel about things especially since you are trying to help.

If you don't want to give up just yet I would suggest while having sex just saying "if you don't give me what I want, I'll get what I want" and then just doing exactly that. Also have you tried asking for and then demanding how you want him to be in bed?

If all fails, leave the guy.

[Beans518]

Ok. Thank you all. Sera you know I won't leave.(The children and all our youngest is 3). Doc I've tried all but a long standing sex strike. He is upset that he doesn't please me and yet nothing changes. I can't bring him to that point and tease him 'cause if he loses that erection that's it.(there is never a 2nd round). I could ride, but that leaves me with that position all the time.

I really think it's just ignorance about sex and sexuality(on his part) that makes it bad. I mean he likes missionary! He'll suggest we do diffrent things(usually something he's seen on a porno) I'm all for that, but it's always some weird position like me being folded up some crazy way, like on my neck with him in between my legs.(Now I have a dd chest. I'll suffocate with my breast all up in my throat like that)I quess I just need to talk to him again. I would really love to have that connection to him but as of right now..... I cheated on him once. I don't want to do that again,but I'm tired of the same old problem. P.S I know he's satisfied G.M he's just a bad lover.

[weasel]

either leave him or teach him, not having sex with him won't make him better

[sera300]

She is not in a position to walk out...small ones involved. Beans, hold out & when ready to give in...he is to learn your way. Otherwise sex strike again.

What bothers me the most is his lack of consideration in bed for you...teach him to be good.

[dancingdoc2]

How about exploring the site's resources either by yourself or along with him?

If you go to the Home page you will find links for a great many illustrated animated sexual positions. There are articles that may benefit both of you.

As for the Forums, please look at the Index. Brandye, EEK, and I have penned several informative and how-to articles that address the most common complaints and concerns people have. See if you can get him to participate by piquing his curiosity if anything.

If you take charge and work your magic on him, drawing out and delaying his climax, then he may discover that all this frustration is a good thing and will want to do it again.

As for him being upset that he cannot please him, have you told him what you need and desire? Have you guided his fingers, particularly if he has trouble helping you reach a climax?

If he seems to be in a rush, whisper to him that here is no rush and then slow him down using some diversion to whatever his is doing, or, telling him that what he is doing is enjoyable and not to keep on keeping on for awhile.

As for him being a great man yet a poor lover, try not reminding him of that or hinting; rather, suggest working together to learn more and do more and improve more. While it may be all about him, try this approach so he won't feel so put upon. If he will get ideas from porn, there should be no argument for not wanting to get even better information from all the resources available on this site and in books like the "Joy of Sex".

I really do believe in the near term, your best solution is to take quietly take over and prolong the sex by doing things to him and asking for the things you want. If he follows thru with the latter, give him plenty of praises for trying and or doing.

[Gorgeous Mistake]

I didn't know there were children involved..

[Beans518]

OK. Thank You Doc,Sera as always for conciderate advuce. Ty To everyone else also.Yesterday we had sex, (i came to see that a strike would not solve anything) I suggested that he do this or that, he even threw in a few things too. Then I got into it and it threw him off.

I'm not a just lay there lover. I have to move and touch,call him MF's. He likes this but can't finish like this. He has to go at it like a jackhammer.(It's the only way he can finish). I'm cool with that,but I can't finish that way, Because then I just have to lie there, cause if I move it throws him off. So yesterday he didn't finish 'cause I moved trying to get myself there before he did(I knew it was only a matter of 2mins.)He didn't finish but didn't worry about finishing me either.(Then he wondered all day way I looked like I Could cry). I told him it's not a race,if he finishes first that's not a good thing. Than I asked him why do we have sex, He said the ultimate goal is to get A"nutt". I told him well, For me it's about a connection on a deeper level and we're not connecting on that level. This went over his head. In the past he's had all of his GF's leave him.

I asked him if he knew why they left or cheated? He said No. I do. They had the same problem. I can be really bitchy, But I explained to him that if he keeps Keisha(sexual split personnality) Happy I'll be happy and therefore less bitchy, But I'll take DOC's advice and search the forums.Because for some this might not be a big deal but I'm a sexual being and it's killing me!