Dealing with Adultery

[EvilEvilKitten]

Your spouse, this does NOT apply to bf/gf, has committed adultery - that is actual physical real-life sex with another person and you have proof positive that this has occured.

(Please note: that in the absence of proof, loyalty demands that you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.)

The ONLY question you have to ask yourself is - Do I still love him/her? I understand that you may feel betrayed, hurt, and so on but put your pride aside for the moment, hold his/her image in your mind, think of the totality of your life together, and ask yourself the question. Whomever he/she is and whatever he/she has done - do you still love him/her?

If the answer is NO - you have only to consult the best divorce attorney in your area and file the papers. There is absolutely no point in staying married to him/her. It would only be a bleak existence and a lingering death. Best to end it.

If the answer is YES - then you have some options. Which you choose should be based solely upon the depth and quality of your love, your personality, your character, and your values.

Option 1 is to forgive and forget and he/she does not transgress again. Once is enough. Do it again and we're done. You are NOT permitted 'being nosy' until he/she has earned your trust because that would mean that you have not forgiven him/her so you reneged on the deal.

Option 2 is to let him/her have his/her designated lover on the side as it were and stay a warm loving couple. This takes courage but you will NOT be the first man/woman who has selected this option. As long as your spouse treats you with suitable consideration, you will have nothing to complain about.

Option 3 is to give him/her hell and not divorce but instead keep the erring spouse close so you can exact the most vengance possible of out of the situation until the hate and disgust you feel erodes your own character from the inside out. This too has been done before.

Option 4 is to not forgive and forget because there is nothing to forgive and forget. This takes the ultimate in strength, understanding, love, and maturity. If you can separate sex from love, then this is the best option for you both. This is the attitude of the polyamorous and those in the Swing Lifestyle.

Whether or not you continue enjoying sex with the erring spouse is up to you but whichever option you choose, be sure to think this through before you act. Effective communication between you two is mandatory so I strongly encourage you both to start talking and listening.


It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one.

[not_gonna_take_it_anymore]

That's putting it in plain simple terms.

[aliceyalice]

what i have never understood, is how in those programs about cheating lovers, the women inevitably attack eachother instead of giving the man a sound beating...it's not the other woman who was being a jacka**...she most often does not even know that he had a lover already.

when will the women band together and tear him to shreds?

[wet_suit_one]

One thing I've never really understood is why having sex with another person constitutes such a fundamental transgression. Why not spending the other person's money? Breaking their goods? Slapping their children? Etc.

Why is having sex with someone other than the marital partner such a huge issue?

For the record, I've never been "cheated on." I've been accused of it many times (God, does it ever get old to hear that line) but never cheated on anyone either.

So what gives? Enlighten me.

Thanks in advance.

[cjb1981]

Originally Posted by not_gonna_take_it_anymore

That's putting it in plain simple terms.

Yea, EEK is great at that...it's what makes her the force she is.

Originally Posted by wet_suit_one

Why is having sex with someone other than the marital partner such a huge issue?

Easy, people make it a huge issue. Personally I don't think it's the actual act of sex. I think it's got more to do with the lies and deception that are accompanied by the sex.

[dancingdoc2]

It's not just about the sex, it is primarily about why the adultery occurred in the first place. Often the reason for cheating is because of a lack of intimacy at home. Intimacy can be the lack of sex, romance, and/or especially the lack of a viable "connection". Men and women often state that they cheated because they were looking for intimacy first and foremost--not sex, not romance.

Next comes trust and the fact that one or the other partner violated the marriage vows. Whenever trust is broken, it is difficult to impossible to reestablish. If the woman was cheated on then the hurt and lack of trust harm the psyche and the emotional connection she had. This is what guys often do not understand.

If the relationship survives the infidelity, a woman will often not let the deed die. She will hound her mate for years. The harm caused will not go away unless and until her mate gets what his actions have done to the relationship, to her, and how it has affected her personally--and then can explain this understanding to her. A simple apology won't work!

He must live the rest of his life as an open book, always open to inspection.
He must expect to be making things right until..... In other words, for as long as it takes and this may very well be the rest of his life. On the flip side of the situation, if a man was cheated on, recovery may also be problematical and difficult to achieve. How each perceives the damage to their relationship is different. Men tend to be more vindictive yet also get over problems more readily. This is a generalization because each person is different gender ignored.

So, it is not just about the sex, it is about the bond between a man and a woman.

[wet_suit_one]

IT's interesting that you say this Doc:

"He must live the rest of his life as an open book, always open to inspection.
He must expect to be making things right until..... In other words, for as long as it takes and this may very well be the rest of his life. On the flip side of the situation, if a man was cheated on, recovery may also be problematical and difficult to achieve. How each perceives the damage to their relationship is different."

It seems like to me that I always have to overcome this from day one without ever having done anything. It gets tiresome when one is innocent.

I suppose I'm understanding things a bit better.

What is this emotional bond thing you're talking about? I don't quite get that? Is it like having shared old times in the canoe fishing and all the ones that got away? Also this intimacy and connection business? What is that? It's not like a connection to work with a regular paycheque is it? Or is it like the bond with Mom (gotta love Mom! She's the greatest!)? Even though Mom's can be a pain in the ass (yes, mother I can drive however I like now and go out without my coat if I want God Dangit!), you always love mom. Dad, eh, not so much...

Is this the bond you're talking about, or something similar? I don't think I can have that bond with any woman. Women in my experience, are too threatening, too capricious and too dangerous to my well being to permit myself to be so vulnerable to such a creature. Bonding with them in the manner you speak of sounds like bonding with a ticking time bomb which I will inevitably set off sooner or later and blow myself to pieces. That's stupidity. But I digress into the pettiness of my experience.

Again, this bond thing, I do not understand. Is is akin to, in kind if not identical (yeah I get that), to the bond to one's mother?

A curious mind wants to know...

[EvilEvilKitten]

In my 'not at all humble opinion' - men and women should both just get over it.

If you're going to let your marriage become a living hell over a bit of extra coitus/intimacy - then your marriage ISN'T a marriage - it's a prison - and you both have failed at the second most important relationship in you life. Congrats.

WSO - yes, you do have to bond to your mate for life. You must have a history of selecting dangerous, capricious, and threatening women for you to hold such a view of women - seeing them as a whole rather than as individuals.

[wet_suit_one]

I do see them as individuals, that's why I said in my experience. I also look at divorce stats and they scare me the heck out of marriage. No need to give up my kids and half my stuff. Plain stupidity...

Plus, I'm a moron so it's best that I just leave the women alone. There's plenty of good men for them out there, so what do they need me for?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Exactly what I mean when I say men self-select themselves out.