Dealing with Adultery

[EvilEvilKitten]

Marriage is NOT business.

And ANY religion's rules on marriage, including Christianity's, is what YOU choose to make of it - as you would know if you had studied how Christian marriage has worked and has been re-worked over the centuries.

There really are no hard and fast, set-in-stone rules.

[sphinx]

Then what is the point of the vows? Yes I agree that a marriage is what you chose to make of it, but saying one thing and meaning another is just not cool! If you aren't going to stick to the vows then don't say them. Or find a different way to define your vows that suits your purpose/feelings/dedication.

Marriage may not be a business, but it is still a contract/agreement/dedication that you enter into with another person. And if for one person it means something and the other refuses to be held by the bond which it is meant to "formalise" then as I say, don't say the vows.

Of course people change over time which is why you get mutual partings and so forth. But messy breakups and emotional damage come about because some people don't put enough sanctity in the mutual bonding/dedication. If a person needs out then instead of breaking the trust and vows then they should speak with their partner about what is going on.

Hmm I am worried that I am going slightly off topic here from the original purpose of the thread.

[EvilEvilKitten]

And do you read minds?? No. What was meant 20, 25, 30 years ago may not be exactly relevant to your lives today. There's a history there that cannot be undone. No one knows, sometimes not even the participants, what goes on in a marriage.

Why do you think there's all the DRAMA?

Damaged egos lead to emotions unbecoming everyone involved. Instead of THINKING this through, as I have been recommending, they go shooting from the hip bent upon wreaking as much vengeance as possible - intending to KILL - figuratively if not literally. Usually for no reason other than wounded PRIDE. Contract, schmontract - what stings is the perceived insult.

There's a great book out there for everyone entitled
Since Strangling is Not an Option
get it and read it.

[hungnnh]

My wife cheated on me and I caughter her several months ago, I am trying to work it out with her. I believe in monogomy personally, we both agreed to this and made that promise to each other when we got married. She voilated that promise and in essense killed the marriage. We are not trying to rebuild the relationship and starting out new, I am still hurt, feel betrayed, raped and violated. To say get over it is a little incencitive and wrong.
Treat people the way you would want to be treated.........I love my wife I just want her to treat me the same way.

We are all individuals and I agree with Doc it takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.

The betrayed partner needs to make a decision if they can live with the betrayal and if they can get past it.

I am choosing to try and make it work...for my kids and my love I hope we can.
I will survive either way, it hurts a great deal and if a spouse is going to cheat then they should have enough strength to tell the other spouse how they feel before they commit adultery, if not then the marriage was dead to them before they committed it.

If the marriage is dead, like I think mine died the weekend she flew to new mexico and cheated then we can try to rebuild and start a new marriage and redo our vows or we can walk away.

Time will tell but the adulterer should show alot of remorse and understanding for the betrayed spouse or it will never survive.

Good luck to anyone going through this crap, it truly sucks......and you did not deserve this type of pain inflicted on you!!!

[EvilEvilKitten]

My wife cheated on me (with another man?) and I feel violated, raped, betrayed.

Betrayed, certainly. She broke her promise.

But violated and raped? That would only make sense if you felt that she was YOURS as in your possession since she was the one having sex, not you yourself. To say raped and violated (as opposed to gutted or bottom of my world just dropped out) is to say that you were the one being sexually abused. Since you weren't, this would tend to indicate an inability to see her as her own person.

Contrary to popular myth, the two do NOT become one upon marriage. The two merely work as one; as a team of two. Most of the anger within a marriage is caused by a spouse feeling 'erased' if he/she 'loses' him/herself - feels subsumed within his/her spouse and he/she ceases to exist. This is why arguments get so ferocious and divorcees so deadly. The 'subsumed' spouse is fighting for his/her life.

Ulceg, you need to 'back off' a bit here and see her as a separate person who made a huge fundamental mistake but one that need not destroy this love you feel for her. She is not 'yours' and never was. But it is easy to make the mistake. Naturally, she will have to do the heavy lifting of regaining your trust. You will have to decide whether to rebuild the team of two or not.
Marriage counseling could work if you can find an experienced counselor who's smarter than each and the both of you and have the courage to be honest with that counselor and eachother.

If you decide not to seek counseling, there are some steps you two can take. TALK, not to assign blame but to seek reasons why and solutions thereof. This requires putting your emotions under the microscope: why did she feel it necessary to have sex with this other person? Why do you feel her adultery so personally? Review your history. Plan each step of your future. You said remorse is needed - ok, but for how long and how would you like that remorse expressed? And don't say "I don't know" - you do know, so rela the knotted gut and think. If you make her your prisoner, she will repeat the adultery - just to seek some freedom - see subsumed above.

But in the final analysis, yes, you will have to get over it, in some part, and move on because their you love or you do not.

[epicsexy]

I have deff learned a lot from this thread. I cheated on my fiance last year with my ex and he found out and he didn't leave me he forgave me and worked it out. The thing is I never had a serious relationship before him so I was still wanting to run around with my friends everynight and do whatever I wanted so I told him that I cheated on him because I didn't like how he tried to control me and not like me being with my friends all the time. While that was a problem in our relationship, such a silly thing to even get upset about when i think about it now. My real reason was I didn't know how to love myself and how to be loved by others. My dad left when I was seven, mom left when I was twelve which left me living with my older sister who hated me and kicked me out when I was 16 which left me living with my friend, and my ex I lost my virginity to I found out had a fiance and he told me he never could love me I was stupid to think that. So when i cheated I was looking for love in any way possible from anyone. I have never felt more loved then that moment seeing how fast he forgave me and loved so much he didn't care what lame excuse I gave him. I have to agree with EEK I would never just throw away such a good man someone I love so much just because he wanted to experience other women especially since we got together at a young age and both only been with one other person sexually. I would feel betrayed if he went behind my back but that would be because he didnt feel comfortable enough to tell me. Anyway sorry for all the rambling, I was wanting to know do you think I should talk to him about it truthfully and let him know how greatfull I am for his forgiveness and teaching me how to love myself or do you think I should just leave it where it is, maybe it would only bring up painful memories instead of helping anything?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Do NOT be grateful for his forgiveness but also don't take him or his love for granted. It is unnecessary for you to say anything regarding what is past. You can't change it and there is nothing to 'fix'. Let it go.

What you CAN SAY to him is "I am so happy I found you!"

What you CAN DO is wrap your arms around him gently holding him and murmur "Love you, darling".

Do both periodically when you really mean it and he'll be a happy man.

[epicsexy]

Thanks EEK you always have good advice

[EvilEvilKitten]

Thank you.

[carolinagirl]

I have never cheated on my husband but I recently heard a rumor from my sister that my husband had cheated on me when he was in california for work and got a girl pregnant. I was devastated but it seemed almost too horrible to be true. I asked my husband and he was genuinely shocked and I believe that he never did such a thing. But if it had been true... I don't know what I would of done. We have to 2 children (3 yr old and 1 yr old). I believe that marriage is a sacred joining together of 2 people in front of God, it should be taken seriously not just thrown away. People don't cheat for no reason, there's always an underlying cause whether they realize it or not. I would want to go into counseling and work to find out what caused this act of infidelity and work to correct what went wrong. I truly love my husband and I would be absolutely devastated if he broke our vows but I wouldn't give up on him, not if he was seriously sorry and willing to try again. I understand that no one is perfect and people make mistakes but also one person can only undergo so many heart breaks before its too much and it's better to just cut your losses and go your separate ways.