Dealing with Adultery

[RedRoses]

Though I haven't been working with patients, I have over the years become rather familiar with what patients often describe to (not) need in palliative and long-term care. I know that people often consider the time that they are "prepped" in the morning and evening as very vulnerable. And if it can be done by partner/family, many want them to please do. Not that weird if you imagine taking your clothes off for every nurse -which is usually another nurse each day- some being more thorough, others hasty, some being more gentle others rough, while your body is at a very vulnerable and often painful state. Sure some wouldn't want their husbands to even look at them. But for many it's that trust and bond that makes it so much easier for them to receive care from a loved-one. Btw please know: this is not to speak bad of nurses; they often have to accomplish the impossible in the amount of time they're given. But it doesn't make the life of a patient much easier either

When a patient is in bed all day, instead of having a nurse on a time-schedule clean you up asap, a moment in the bathtub can actually be an important part of the time to relax and reconnect with their partner. I know of places that actually have "snuggle baths". These are private bathrooms with dimmed lights and often music. Nothing real fancy, but it creates the relaxed mood, while still in a care-center and the nurses just a press on an emergency-button away. And warm water in itself often works so soothing on patients. This is not to say it's sexual what happens in there, but it's certainly an intimate setting.

I would agree to openly communicate within a relationship how to resolve issues with sexual needs, as I consider honesty vital and communication key to a healthy relationship. But I also know that in some relationships, it would basically kill the patient to even talk about it. You can't expect a relationship that has never functioned on open communication -and many sadly haven't- or people who can hardly even say the word "sex", to start communicating like that while the SO is a physical wrack and emotionally/mentally barely standing, even dieing. And sadly; people can remain "dieing" for a very long time before the end is there. The caring partner is often required to set his own needs aside, since the patient's needs are more important right now. This sacrifice not being a wise choice in a long-term-situation, he's left to his own devices to solve his problems and make sure to take care of his needs (or hers, let's not forget the wives of patients)

Kievan, I like your idea of a support-group. Although I know that women are usually more susceptible to seeking groups, it may be worth the shot, since hardship often draws people together. Do you have a psychologist or social worker(s) available for the family of patients where you work? Usually these people are employed already for the sake of the patients. It could just make a difference to make them clearly available for the family, if only for an open-office hour on Friday o.a. Just a thought.

[kievan]

Thank you for your insights Red Roses
I have seen many support groups popping out and then fade away because they either too narrow in their focus or merely a group of friends or afraid to tackle some major issues like we discuss here.
I recently met a couple who's wife had state of the art pubic bone dissection naturally the poor woman cannot longer have sex as there is no nerve sensation and vaginal support.
Yes we do have social worker and counselors sadly most patients die and that is the nature of the disease.

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