I think we are ready to live together!!

[dancingdoc2]

We frequently hear about people living together who later find that one, the other, or both are not happy living together. Similarly, we frequently read a post in which a couple is contemplating moving in together and looking for a suitable residence. Here is an initial Check List.

Better to date more, spend more time together doing things, observing, and discussing how you will live together and what your respective priorities are that are important; and, listening to answers, thoughts, and opinions. Difficulties often develop because people believe that "love triumphs over all". Not necessarily. It is better to plan your life, first, then execute your plan instead of moving in and hoping things will just work out. This is a naive approach.

So, what sorts of things are important? Here are a few, why not add your suggestions to the list?

* Children, yes/no
* Children, how many
* Children, over what time frame
* Children, can we afford one, two, three, four, five and when

* Religious values and importance of being of the same faith
* Moral values and what is important to each

* Can we live on one income
* Will we live on one income
* Will we save some or all of the second income

* Insurance--life/car/death
* Health insurance
* Assisted living & nursing/rest home insurance
* Savings--long term, short term, retirement
(Premiums are lowest and most affordable when taken out at a young age.)

* Can each of you make out a budget and live within your means?
* How much credit card debt do each of you have? If more than $1000, pay them off, first, then cut them up. If you must have a credit card, put it in a safe deposit box for emergency use only. Make your relationship cash and carry.

Other than a college loan, or perhaps a mortgage, you shouldn't have any other obligations than maybe a car loan and even that is likely to place a strain on a budget especially if one or the other of you has a big expensive set of wheels to satisfy the ego and sense of self.

* Food--do we like mostly the same things, mostly different things, can we find a common menu within our budget?

* Housing--styling, size, colors, design, location

* Automobiles--how many, how often / new or previously owned

-=-=-=-

* Devote much of your dating time discussing how you plan to live together and interact.
* If you want to live together, now, begin planning today for this in the future by saving your money and maintaining separate checking and saving accounts, while establishing a joint savings account in order to begin storing funds for your future together. If either of you is not willing or capable of doing this, you definitely are not ready to share a bed, let alone a household. Ten percent of your collective income(s) should go into savings, minimum. Once you have worked out a budget, you should have a minimum of six months savings in the bank for a rainy day, loss of income, or other emergency.

If you are a guy, are you going to have a trophy wife that you woo'd, bedded, possibly got pregnant, and then leave to her own devices while you proceed to devote much of your free time to the truck, car, and their repairs and modifications, hunting or fishing, or just out with the boys, while your wife and child sit on the front stoop waiting patiently and anxiously for you to give them some of your precious time? Have you matured sufficiently to spread your wealth and divide it up among all of your interests, placing family first?

Very often women jump into home life only to learn that you fight and have disagreements that you do not know how to mediate, negotiate, or, solve. Learn these skills, first, before moving in together as it is more difficult to move out and find a new place than it was to move in together in the first place.

Test not only his ability to bring out the best in you as well as the reverse. Look for changes in his priorities. If he begins devoting more and more time to other pursuits at the expense of your relationship, then you need to decide what is important. While the two of you can have individual outside interests and hobbies, they have to be placed into perspective. Relationships once fought for and won continue to require nurturing. Guys often do not get this until it is much too late and damage to the relationship has occurred.

Wait. Do not be in a rush to move in together. Work on getting the ring first by making sure the two of you are devoted to each other and are ready to commit to marriage--then, you can move in together. Next, develop a life plan that you can both embrace. Unless and until you two can do these things, then living together should be as roommates with separate bedrooms, space in the refrigerator, and shelves in the pantry. Let him do his own laundry! About the only shared activity is housekeeping.

Bottom Line:

If he cannot keep the house/apartment picked up, clean; dishes washed and put away, without being asked, he is not ready to have a relationship at this level. He may think he is because by you moving in he might very well have the mistaken and misguided notion that you will be doing all these things even if you also have a job. Now, add a child to this mix and you find him out with the boys or working on his precious car or locked to the computer for hours, and then what? Oh, and can the lad cook? If he only knows how to eat out or use the microwave, he is not ready to live with someone. What about you?

* Time Management--As with establishing a weekly/monthly budget and sticking to it, a couple also needs to establish a time management budget. Begin with a daily planner and pencil in tasks to be accomplished daily, weekly, monthly and on which days. Next, pencil in each of your personal activities and time spent together.

If either of you are lacking skills in one or more of the areas above, learn how to do them, then place them into daily use.

I've said many times: Relationships are partnerships in which two autonomous adults join forces in order to share a life that is greater than the sum of its parts. Explore and learn together, and live life as a team.

For you and others reading this who are contemplating this move, you have much homework to do before doing the "homework", if you follow my drift.

[sera300]

Thank YOU Doc! Well Stated since too often people jump into residing together, when the relationship gets rocky, they find they have no place to go or no "How to"!

[dancingdoc2]

> So, what sorts of things are important? Here are a few, why not add to the list?
* Children, yes/no

Here are my thoughts on having children:

When the decision has been made to live together, what about children?

I belong to the school of thought that advocates living together as a couple for a few years before starting a family. Why?

1. Take some time to get to know one another as part of a couple under one roof. This relationship is going to be much different than it was as just two people meeting and going on a date, even if you've done it for years.

2. Take some time to build a life together. Use the time to get settled in.

3. Take day trips and weekend trips and go on vacations. Visit the places you've always wanted to see. When children come along, these can be tougher to do.

4. Concentrate on getting thru school and completing your education then becoming established in a job or profession.

5. Save, SAVE, SAVE. Build up your bank account and net worth. Set money aside for the future without the expense of children during the first few years. Begin saving for a down payment for a home. Begin saving for furniture. Begin saving for your children's education. Begin saving for retirement. Begin saving for whatever. While you are doing these things, build a life and a relationship together. When a child enters the family, your time and "our" time together will be strained.

6. (Care to add to the list?)

[EvilEvilKitten]

Essentially the question is - no matter what may happen - do you love him/her?

I say this because the committment required to marry the right person the first time for ALL time has got to be just THAT strong if you two are going to make it. Come hell, high water, infidelity, and/or whatever - you have still got to be able to love him/her without reservation.

If you think that's scary - then you're NOT ready to marry anyone.

[Joe6565]

Dancingdoc, wow!! Great thread!!!

[mandm2]

ok doc...we (bf and I) are talking about moving in together and both of us have been married before. his kids are older and out of the house and married, mine are still in the house. is anything different for us that we should be doing or talking about? My bf says there is...and we have already talked about my boys and housekeeping and each of our own freedom to come and go..I owe about $5600 in debt but I am on a debt consolidation plan that I hate..but what can you do. Does he know..no he doesnt.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Well, the the fact that you're not telling him says something - and it isn't good.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by mandm2

ok doc...we (bf and I) are talking about moving in together and both of us have been married before. his kids are older and out of the house and married, mine are still in the house. is anything different for us that we should be doing or talking about? My bf says there is...and we have already talked about my boys and housekeeping and each of our own freedom to come and go.

Thank you for adding to this thread. Each parent is the primary disciplinarian for his/her child(ren). The Step Parent should support the decisions of the other in order for the youngster(s)/teen(s) to understand that there is a unified parent/child relationship and not to play one parent against the other in an attempt to get what s/he wants.

The only time a Step Parent can wield any authority is when the child is under about five years of age; beyond this, it is too late. This is not a problem for you with his children; however, he must go to or work through you for all major decisions and corrections.

I owe about $5600 in debt but I am on a debt consolidation plan that I hate..but what can you do. Does he know..no he doesnt.

As noted in the article, you should work to pay off the debt before marriage. If this is not practical, then budget for it and try to make double principle payments whenever possible in order to shorten the time required to pay off the obligation.

Your boyfriend should know about your debt. Money is often at the root of marital problems. Why keep the secret when he will probably find out later, anyway? Your family budget must be a partnership just like with other aspects of the relationship. This does not mean that each of you cannot have separate monies and accounts; it does mean that you have full disclosure and contribute to the family finances in good faith. Trust is also a part of this.

So let him know how much he can expect you to contribute each month to the family budget, when the loan will be paid off, and, what will be done with all or part of that payment when the money is freed up. Allowances for each of your children should be a fixed amount that is age appropriate. The money does not hing upon working around the house or taken away for infractions. Allowances are constants, just like your salaries. The money must be something that they can count on. Do not use the money to reprimand or punish.

Your boys should have age appropriate chores to do around the house, and, be responsible for cleaning up after themselves. This may or may not include doing their own laundry, and it most definitely means making beds, cleaning rooms, and straightening up the public areas of your home. Why? In addition to helping out, they will be learning life skills that they may very well need in the near future when they are out on their own.

Part of their chores or learning should be how to do laundry, vacuum, and clean--and cook; not to mention how to budget their allowances. Teach them how to be self sufficient. You are teaching them to be adults. They should understand that their "job" is to get an education and do household chores, just like yours is to earn an income, etc. Just give them plenty ofv time to be kids.

[troyndheather]

honestly your advice seems to.....real lol sad truth is most ppl just move in togather and ...9out of 10 times it fails after a few months....but i would guess they come to find out the other side of there partner......but if you really truely love them..then the stupid shit doesnt matter.....when my wife moved in (while back) i started to notice things that she did and still does..but in the end..its just stupid stuff that doesnt mean anything i mean so what if she fills the house with girly shit..and tampons...and leaves bras all over the place...or what ever the offense may be....but dont let it break up somthing good like my bro.in.law says......get used to it or get used to sleeping alone lol doc did have many good points but just when you start to notice these thing and i know it will happed......just look at your mate and think how you would feel without them and you will realize ...thhe fights and all the bullshit are worth it....all the yelling...is just yelling...its gunna happen bare with it and end the end guys...just knod and smile and addmit you were wrong..cuz fighting over...dinner just isnted worth hurting her feelings............so guys....stfu and girls....dont be afriad to addmit your wrong...its happens to the best of us hahaha sorry for the long post just thoughts of mine forgive my grammer and lack of...its hard to type on a cell phone haha

[arutha]

This was kinda covered, but definitely make sure you observe their living environment before even considering moving in. If you are a messy person, and their room/house is spotless, there will be conflict, and vice versa. You both need to have a level of cleanliness that you can both accept and are comfortable with. My gf mostly lives with me and she is a very messy person and it annoys me to no end, has definitely caused a few fights and such. In hindsight, I would reconsider letting her live with me before some long discussions. Oh well, everything in life is a lesson.