I think we are ready to live together!!

[SugarCane29]

Fantastic advice! My boyfriend and I aren't planning on living together until we're actually married and I've encountered many people who think it's a bad idea, but those same people also either clearly envy, or have stated they wish they have the sort of healthy relationship my boyfriend and I have. (Silly, stupid people..)

We've been discussing everything you've listed except we only cover finances in a vague sense. I think we've only discussed it vaguely because, at the moment, neither of us are finished with school, I'm unemployed and living at home with an interest-free school loan from my parents. He's living off of a small fraction of some money that was left him. Other than the small loan with my parents (which, either I'm paying off my parents before wedding my boyfriend, or they're going to forgive my debt as a way of helping out/paying for the wedding. He, however, is debt free.

This is his last term in school, I'll be done with school in hopefully by either end of Spring or Summer of '10 and we're hoping to get engaged in a year as well.
Would you recommend, since we aren't going to live together until we're married, that we discuss how we'll manage our finances when we're married, before or after we get engaged?

[dancingdoc2]

How would you answer your last question about discussing finances?

Originally Posted by SugarCane29

Fantastic advice! My boyfriend and I aren't planning on living together until we're actually married and I've encountered many people who think it's a bad idea, but those same people also either clearly envy, or have stated they wish they have the sort of healthy relationship my boyfriend and I have. (Silly, stupid people..)

The same discussion can be used about premarital sex.

We've been discussing everything you've listed except we only cover finances in a vague sense. I think we've only discussed it vaguely because, at the moment, neither of us are finished with school, I'm unemployed and living at home with an interest-free school loan from my parents. He's living off of a small fraction of some money that was left him. Other than the small loan with my parents (which, either I'm paying off my parents before wedding my boyfriend, or they're going to forgive my debt as a way of helping out/paying for the wedding. He, however, is debt free.

Are you planning a big expansive wedding or a smaller more frugal ceremony? I subscribe to the school of thought that it is better to live within practical means than blow huge sums of money on one theatrical production. That said, my not asked for recommendation is to have a nice albeit thrifty special day. Arrangements can be fancy--just not the price tag.

I'd plan on reimbursing your parents. I believe you will feel better about yourself and with your relationship with them if you do make some payback schedule.

Your boyfriend's educational expenses might be considered to be "debt free"; however, if he pays back and reimburses his inheritance, both of you will be in a better position overall, later. Neither of you should consider his bank account as a free ride; rather, a source for a loan. So, while both of you may be technically debt free--are you really. I'd suggest as with any student loan, paying them back over time with a schedule that is acceptable to each of you and your parents.

This is his last term in school, I'll be done with school in hopefully by either end of Spring or Summer of '10 and we're hoping to get engaged in a year as well.

Would you recommend, since we aren't going to live together until we're married, that we discuss how we'll manage our finances when we're married, before or after we get engaged?

Finances are at the root of many marital problems. As a partnership, why wouldn't you discuss making a financial and life plan beforehand? You can always modify and update a plan as need be, later. This topic is no different than any of the other topics listed in the article that should be considered. Please go back and read it a few more times because it sounds to me like the underlying message is being missed.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[KittenLover]

Ok so I have recently encountered a situation that I find myself in... I was talking to a really good guy friend about my schooling, and the school by where he lives (a good 200 miles away from where I'm at right now) has the program that I am looking for, and will transfer into many more major colleges in the state. The school I'm going to now dosn't, I have to take general classes and hope that they are good enough to transfer to a major college to compleate my degree.

He offered for me to live with him. I wouldn't have a problem as we both are vary open with our financial situations and how messy/clean we are. It would work in pratcial scence. But the thing is that we probably would share a bed (even if we had our own rooms and everything, we just love to cuddle when we sleep). Also it would have a huge possability of turning into something a lot more then what we have with eachother right now. Not saying that it's a bad thing, just saying the possabality is there...

I asked him if he was sure because he is the type of person who will offer if he thinks it's what I want, or if it will make me happy. And I generally (for like 6 years) I have taken it upon myself to look out for what he wants and what would make him happy when it comes to anything to do with me and him because I know he will be looking to make me happy. So I told him to think about it, that we have until December to decide because that's when I'll need to regester for classes and what not for next semester.

Also I think my aunt and uncle are ready to have me out of the house, but as a broke college student I have like no where to go. They (my aunt and uncle) are recently retired and are learning about eachother all over again. I feel like I'm kinda of an absest (can't think of the word so that one will have to do) to them. I can stay here if I have to though, I just don't want to. My mom dosn't have the room for me at all, and my dad and I are vary uncapatable living partners in every way except the food.

So good idea or bad idea? I'm stuck on this one...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Since both you and he are very bad at setting boundaries, this plan of yours is not a terribly good idea. Also both of you are 'pleasers' who cannot say No. All sounds very sweet until you understand that being a Pleaser with boundary issues leads to Doormat. Not so good.

You must maintain separate beds - if you want to cuddle while sleeping get a stuffed plush teddy bear and leave the man alone.

Focus upon your schooling. Get it done and get on with your life.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by KittenLover

Ok so I have recently encountered a situation that I find myself in... I was talking to a really good guy friend about my schooling, and the school by where he lives...has the program that I am looking for, and will transfer into many more major colleges in the state. The school I'm going to now dosn't,

To clarify, are you saying that the curriculum in your intended major will eventually be in other schools, perhaps one even closure than your friend's?

I have to take general classes and hope that they are good enough to transfer to a major college to compleate my degree.

Well, this is not new or unusual. There are lots of two year junior and community colleges around whose students then transfer into a four year college for the last two-three years. (I hope you will take an English class that includes spelling and composition and/or creative writing.)

He offered for me to live with him. I wouldn't have a problem as we both are vary open with our financial situations and how messy/clean we are.

You would be placing the wrong cart before the wrong horse. It is great that the two of you are able to discuss personal finances and tidy up after yourselves; however, I believe your living arrangements should strictly be platonic as in being a roommate. This means separate beds in separate rooms, with a separate shelf in the refrigerator. If you want to divide the cost for food, fine; or, keep those costs separate, also.

You really need time and the experience of living alone or with a roommate in order to learn how to be on your own and to develop skills necessary to become an autonomous adult.

It would work in pratcial scence.

I beg to differ with this, mainly because you do not yet know what you do not know; and secondly, you are romanticizing the arrangement with him.

But the thing is that we probably would share a bed (even if we had our own rooms and everything, we just love to cuddle when we sleep). Also it would have a huge possability of turning into something a lot more then what we have with eachother right now. Not saying that it's a bad thing, just saying the possabality is there...

I agree with EEK, take a teddy bear to bed with you, cuddle with your friend on the sofa. Once you have defined a relationship**, then, maybe a bed for two might work.

I asked him if he was sure because he is the type of person who will offer if he thinks it's what I want, or if it will make me happy. And I generally (for like 6 years) I have taken it upon myself to look out for what he wants and what would make him happy when it comes to anything to do with me and him because I know he will be looking to make me happy. So I told him to think about it, that we have until December to decide because that's when I'll need to regester for classes and what not for next semester.

** Although you have been friends for several years, you really only have a friendship. True, friendship is a requirement for a deeper relationship, however, sleeping together is not the way to get there. This is one reason for saying you are planning to place the wrong proverbial horse and cart together

Also I think my aunt and uncle are ready to have me out of the house, but as a broke college student I have like no where to go.

Are you planning to live rent free with your friend? What about the cost of food and other incidentals? LOOK FOR WORK, GET A JOB, BEGIN SAVING MONEY, AND PAY YOUR OWN WAY. This approach may take an extra year or two, and you'll be in good company because lots of college students take five or six years to complete a four year degree program.

Now, having said that, talk to your school counselor and also the administrative people at your next school and ask about financial aid programs and which ones you might qualifiy for.

They (my aunt and uncle) are recently retired and are learning about eachother all over again... I can stay here if I have to though, I just don't want to. My mom dosn't have the room for me at all, and my dad and I are vary uncapatable living partners in every way except the food.

So good idea or bad idea? I'm stuck on this one...

Talk with your aunt and uncle and discuss your situation and your plans. See what they are willing to do on your behalf and work out a plan if any. Similarly, talk to your friend and see what he is willing to do--or not. Thirdly, talk to the new school about student housing be it a dorm or as a roommate in someone's home. Many families living close to schools rent extra rooms to students. How able are your parents to help you financially, all or in part?

Lastly, as EEK stated, concentrate on your education, first. Second, have some fun along the way. Third, learn to become autonomous. Fourth, work on developing a relationship, last.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Hey doc, please go back and correct your typos, ty.

As I am doing.

[funinthesun]

I'd just like to point out that, subject to particular majors, it is usually much better in the long run to take loans and focus your energy and time on classwork and researching exact details of your potential careers. You can use that knowledge to land the ideal internship/co-op and subsequent job.

There are some work-study jobs such as computer lab assistants where you get to study 95% of the time and then replace ink toners or staplers the rest.

[KittenLover]

First it wouldn't be rent free, as I do pay rent at my aunt and uncle's house and buy my own food and what not, but I cannot live on my own with the money that I make/have. Also the campus that offers dorms for students (there is two campuses) is a good one and a half hour drive from the campus that offers most of the classes that I need.

Second my mom is financially incapeable of supporting me at all, $50 here or there maybe if she has it so I can go and visit her. My dad made a deal with me that if and as long as I am going to school he will pay for my schooling (what ever isn't covered by grants and scholarships) and car insurance. He just wants me to go to school.

Third the school up by my friend's house is the one with the program that I want/need, not the one that I am going to right now.

Fourth I do think about myself more at all times and what I wand/need, I was just saying that he is the type to become the doormat, and I won't let him.

Fifth I have lived with him before, we lived in the same house but with about 4 other people, I was dating some one else at the time, not him. Totally diffrent situation.

Sixth most likely his best friend (whom is gay) will be living there also, I donno what that has to do with anything but it's information about the situation.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Hey doc, please go back and correct your typos, ty.

As I am doing.

OOPS. How'd that happpen? OK, I corrrected my errors and left the o/p's alone. Better late than never.

[RedRoses]

Funny thing about marriage... Not trying to offend anyone, let me be clear on this! And really: I think it is great advice the doc is giving us!

I love it when I see a happy couple But frankly: I do not care if they tell me they've been married for 15 years, have 2 kids and live happily in the same house. Or if they tell me they have been devoted to each other for 15 years, have 2 kids and live happily in the same house... Call it husband & wife or boyfriend & girlfriend, whatever you want. I have the most respect for both of them and am happy for them. You catch my drift?

Tragic as it may be sometimes, 'will you marry me?' isn't just a phrase that will make it all work. Just as 'will you live together with me?' would. Marriages fail. 'Till death do us part' could easily mean: when the relationship 'dies'. Sorry, I know this from up close experience...

I'm not an expert and do not attempt to be. All I'm saying is: love with all your heart. See all the good and the bad. Make clear what you expect. So: also make sure that the significance of marriage has the same meaning for both of you. It is not a guarantee on itself; it's what you make of it!