Don't know what to do anymore

atmywitsend · #1 (**permalink**) 10-15-2008, 02:10 PM

I recently found out that my girlfriend of 3 and a half years have been carrying on an online fling with an old friend. I am devastated beyond belief. When I found out, I almost moved out but I stayed. I can't look at her anymore without thinking about what I read the other day. She told me that it was only chatting, and that she never cheated on me, I know this is true, but it still hurts. They were friends before we met, I didn't know about him until I saw a copy of the messages they were sending.

I know she never physically cheated, and she has now gotten rid of her msn program and all other online messenger programs, but I don't know if I trust her anymore...

I am heartbroken...any advice?

sera300 · #2 (**permalink**) 10-15-2008, 03:01 PM

How is an "on-line fling" real? Think about this.

SoFreshSoClean · #3 (**permalink**) 10-15-2008, 03:14 PM

You never thought she would be having an Online sexual chatting relationship with another dude either...So with that said dont assume she has not cheated on you with someone else.

Now regardless of what she does i tell you from experience the "Trust Glass" has been shattered. As men we can assume..."Oh i know she never slept with anyone else" because sometimes were so dumb we assume if we didnt see it with our own eyes she didnt do that, but the reality is you saw the emails!

Ima keep this short and sweet...
Either you can assume the worst and get even until you yaself are internally satisfied or you can dump her and do the single thing for awhile...Like the poem says...if u love something let it go..if it comes back (And you can tolerate it) its yours.

Im sure this may not be the advice everyone will give you but ima honest in MY opinion.

You will always remember this if it hurts that much and dont be surprised if you stay and have an argument you bringing it up.

Just know that trust with people is hard to build and when you let that guard down and get punched by a person you never thought would it hurts even more! So you decide..

If you stay then you may forgive but wont forget. so it really depends on what you can bare.

hope my advice helps.

lnt1103 · #4 (**permalink**) 10-15-2008, 06:52 PM

Wait wait wait....OP please define 'online fling'(see below)....SFSC while I agree with you on the 'trust glass' concept, I really think you're jumping the gun a little without a definition from the OP. I would echo Sera's sentiment to evaluate whether an online thing is real and worth getting this upset over.

What's the content of the messages? OBJECTIVELY? Is it actually, honestly, objectionable content that would only occur between two people having a romantic relationship? Or is it just old friends talking like old friends do? I've been dating my bf for a year, I love him more than I knew was possible, we're about to move in together. Yesterday was my birthday and an ex-bf who I'm still communicative with emailed me a happy birthday wish. We hear from each other all of 2-3 times a year. T has zero problem with the email I got from S because its just a nice guy wishing an old friend a happy birthday. I told T the moment it arrived and his reaction was to think it was kinda cool and then blow it off.

And while we're at it, how did you find these messages anyway? Were you snooping? If that's the case, then SFSC there was no 'trust glass' for her to shatter, because the OP never brought it to the party--give people a little credit before you decide to refuse to trust them.

sera300 · #5 (**permalink**) 10-15-2008, 09:36 PM

If he read the messages; he also must keep in mind that writing on the Internet is interpretive since at times the intent is lost or easily misconstrued!

If she said in her mail to him...had a great time last night with you doing X to me and me doing Y to you at the motel P; well think about it.

If it's just personal thoughts? Or flirting? So what? If a man went through my emails where I was talking to one of my long term male friends...one can construe it as sexually implied; meanwhile, it was a standing joke & we were never involved!

Don't take things out of context. Now, she shut off her messenger why? To appease you and insecurities? I am not sure how one has an on-line fling?

smallestoftheclan · #6 (**permalink**) 10-15-2008, 10:05 PM

You said they were friends in the past, does that mean in a relationship friends or just friends?

EvilEvilKitten · #7 (**permalink**) 10-16-2008, 12:02 PM

OMG grow up! It is just cyber. Do you get all upset when she reads a steamy romance novel? No, of course not. Do you get upset when she reads erotica or looks at some prnography? Nope, most likely you don't. THIS IS NO DIFFERENT.

YOU SNOOPED - YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED.

now go, beg her forgiveness, and stop being an ass

Remember: the ONLY thing that matters is the interaction between you two - no one else, and nothing else, has any relevance.