Married & unsure.

[sera300]

Okay, if you had every reason to believe your male family member was having a relationship on the side, you approached the subject once, it was denied, and now pretty certain it's happening & not a casual fling; when do you come right out and say you know...to him alone?

The man is married w/small children, wife has little to no clue, you know she would walk w/the kids, take him for all he is, and never come back into any ones lives.

There is no one else, such another male sibling to talk to (him or you), and you damned well know it but he is denying it yet with so much too loose. Meanwhile, you were offsetting "childcare" so they could get a marriage back on track when it has gone awry, in part to issues with the kids yet you know to an extent you are being used. Meanwhile, you are close to the wife & care for her & the family very much.

To date; I have said clean your act up FAST. Now, even the parents of you both are asking you if there is a possibility & you know his friends would not encourage him to stop/call it off. To degrees both of these adults live in denial, wife included since she does not want to face it, and at some point will & has said she would walk.

You do not want to destroy a marriage, family, etc. yet you see a man destroying his own. In ways, you will loose much seeing the kids if the nasty part gets going. How do you nip this affair in the bud? Do you in time, after all is exhausted, ask his father to talk to him (he can remain neutral & is about the only one who can take control over him) before the wife walks?

[Brandye]

You are all mature adults. It does not matter whether you are blood relationships or of same or different genders. Tell him, alone, right straight what is observed and ask him what he is willing to lose. Then, butt out. The risk is loss of friendship. You have other friends some of whom do not even ask for child care.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Brandye

You are all mature adults. It does not matter whether you are blood relationships or of same or different genders. Tell him, alone, right straight what is observed and ask him what he is willing to lose. Then, butt out. The risk is loss of friendship. You have other friends some of whom do not even ask for child care.

Good point. I thought something odd was going on; I went on a date, aways away, & saw what I did not need to. Just want to smack him in the head and ask; What cha thinking? It's awkward but you are right & a lack of a "sitter" may keep one "put. Its just odd but you are right, get out of the mess, let him work it out.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stop the babysitting and let things fall as they will or will not.
Be advised that the wife will NOT forgive you if you tell her and will NOT forgive you if you don't tell her. Be prepared to lose them both as friends.
Divorce is not the end of the world and you cannot save those who do not wish/want/or care about being saved.

[Beans518]

It seems to me sera that the woman already knows what's going on and is in denial. It also seems like that relationship is already doomed to fail if he feels as though he can be that public with the affair.

I know divorce can be hard on everyone, but sometimes it's the best option in the long run. Sometimes unhappy marriages are even worse. I say take a back burner and just be supportive when the pieces fall bacause no matter if the affair stops or not that marraige doesn't sound like a happy one.

[sera300]

I asked him to stop over yesterday and my brother did. I told him I need to continue on with my life as a single woman, I enjoy the children and want to always be part of their lives; however, I feel as if I am the nanny rather than the aunt. This was fine, he just wanted me to be part of the kids lives, due to geography I always will be. Moreover, I stated that I am not the substitute parent; only if both met their demise & for now would enjoy being the aunt which the kids can come to.

I told him I was out last weekend, he asked me if I had a nice time at X & I replied we chose to go to Y instead. Immediate silence. I told him while I was out for dinner; what I observed. I proceeded to explain; if I can find his car so easily, I am certain others have as well, he was fortunate I saw him, & not our parents or his other half of the family. I asked him what did he want; a marriage or a divorce? I clearly outlined what his life would be like if divorced; not as clear as mine since I do not have children. I also explained what she is legally entitled to & he is not being given the option to live with me either, he could go home to our parents. His reply was he wants his marriage & I suggested he think through this really well; meanwhile, what got him in this situation. He said was reluctant to tell me last time I asked since he saw what I went through as a result of my ex & I explained what he is doing is no better & there is no excuse, it's only avoiding an issue. Continuing to lie is worse.

I outlined options:
1-Divorce NOW.
2-Remain married and work out an agreement w/his wife where she is agreeable to an open marriage.
3-Continue as you are & live with the consequences.
4-Put as much focus into your family & wife--ending it now & forever.

I agreed to be silent this one time since I will always protect him & the kids; however, I did outline the fact that next time if you continue this path you never know who may see you out. However, I did point out he has no idea who has seen him to date which he just may not know about--yet. And his actions are disgraceful to the family name.

Yes, I may loose my sister-in-law if she found out; however, she does have a sibling herself and does keep the siblings life quiet. My brother will always be my brother, I was never my sister-in-laws friend, we are friendly with each other but not friends. Beyond this, I explained I do not wish to ever run into him again & his vehicle is a dead give away--recent purchase of the sports car.

Looking at the totality of the circumstances, if she does find out, she must get along with me--no way around that one. I did tell him as well, "if you plan to stop" there is no need to share your information & if you need marriage counseling to get to one now. I pointed out he needs to make his own choices and guide his life in that direction with all his capability [marriage or divorce] but he cannot ride in the middle of the road. Divorce amicably or get your marriage in full swing. Now, I am out of it & about ready to pack up and move.

[EvilEvilKitten]

That's about it then, Sera. You have done what you legitimately can do. Now it is up to him.

[smallestoftheclan]

Sera, I hope you keep a copy of the comment you made above. If your sister in law wonders why you didn't come to her you can at least show your deep concern, for her/his children, herself and your brother. It's not the sisters responsibility to tell on him, so to speak. You did go to your brother and let him know what you know and set some guidelines.
She may be mad yet I think if you continue to support their children as their loving Aunt I hope she would come around. For him to say that he kept you in the dark, or wasn't fully honest with you because of you and your ex is a crock. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and all his actions. You know I am always here for you.

[sera300]

Yes, I do keep reminders of what was said & agreed to. Thanks & do know you are there; however, this is his issue and he needs to make some choices. I also do not buy into his answers to the same extent he likes me to believe yet I do not believe in backing people into a corner. I also know much has to do with the cancer dx. They have been married a long time. One items is regardless of the situation which ends up being the result, she is forever tied to ME--I hold the strings to her lifestyle yet I am not willing to let him slip on the blatant behavior. This impacts my life and their children's future if they continue status quo. I have only outlined his options and lack of options. They have been together for a long time & married for many years prior to having children. He accepted her as she was and sought a wife which would make a good wife and mother. He has it fully realizing what he was getting into now he must live with such or exit. As I said; I do not wish to see him out again, even though this was a remote water-front community.

They both are tied to me since legal documents allow for me to release finances above his normal wages at my discretion; therefore, he must find resolve & residing with me is not an option for him...they have the youngest which is a baby! Meanwhile, nanny time is over; I have given of myself more than most would. Yet, I do not wish to see such little innocent children to fall into the dynamics involved. I or my family would not deny her a nice life style due to the circumstances; however, neither will any allow for her to reap what is not rightfully hers. To exemplify; she has a right to remain in the house due to the children yet I will not allow him to live a lifestyle which is less than suitable--and it's not in my home & nor is she to have over night guests [if they did split] in the house which was provided for him at my cost! In my opinion during such times both are to stay above board since they will be setting an example for the children through the future if divorced.

For the past years of the marriage she has become accustomed to a lifestyle which she would not have had, she is a stay at home mom. Fine & dandy and I would not expect her to have to change this. She is entitled to certain custodial rights and specific financial rights; however, it's not the attitude of taking him for all he is worth leaving him penniless at our expense. Their children come first always regardless; however, I am not [nor would my family] finance her careless financial lifestyle at the same rate. If she did not like the terms she should have married another. I expect each to be dignified and a cut above. Often she has made remarks of "I'll take him for all he is worth & he will pay"; she has no clue of the documents which were built to prevent such. She has a right to have a nice life for her & the children if they choose to split yet not at our family's and my cost. Nor do any plan to support her parents if this does happen. I shoved down a pre-nup prior to marriage yet he did not believe it was essential. The kids are the primary concern to me & if required I would engage her in court for custody if I felt she meant what she has said. The courts go with "the best interest of the child" here in this state and if neither parent can be reasonable & place the kids in between I would intervene; on my behalf and not on his. At this age they require stability; I can take custody & allow proper visitation for both parents without the children becoming a pawn. People make mistakes yet it should not allow for "hanging the wrong doer".

[EvilEvilKitten]

Hmmm I deduce a lady who has let her current lifestyle go to her head. Shes does not sound like a reasonable person.
Well done with the pre-nup, Sera.