Exhausted with no place to go

[reciprocity]

Thanks everyone... I got the info I needed. I don't want this up anymore.

[TnL329]

I say there is a lot going on in your relationship. I also say that you do not have to put up with that. I think everyone knows what it is like to not get "it" at times that you really want it. I have been on both sides, not wanting to give and the one to not get. People need to understand that sometimes. I think with the way you say you are feeling, you need to figure yourself out a bit more, as well as have this chat with him.

[constantlylearning]

NOT Coollllllllllllll.........Period. Once again from the top, why would anyone, who
claims to have affection for another, try and do anything other than make the
significant other feel loved and cared for? Anyone's response would be great.
In other words, what's in it for them to treat another caliously?

[lnt1103]

Sounds to me like you're getting tired of his refusal to grow up and suck it up when things don't go 100% his way. Which is inevitably going to blindside him because you've allowed it to continue all this time. The reason you feel like you're in a high school, immature relationship is because that's precisely how he's acting. It's time he grew up and learned about the real world, where no one gets 100% of their way 100% of the time.

Five days of bad treatment over this is uncalled for. He's pulling a guilt trip, which is incredibly immature and no way to win a disagreement. Pout for an evening, sure. Five days? Get over it! Especially if he knew you only had 15 minutes and that you didn't feel well.

Having said that, however.....attempting to see it from his point of view, if you'd been feeling well, and if the 15 minute thing wasn't an utterly unavoidable leaving of the premises, once in a while let the time frame go by the wayside and let the spontaneous thing be what it will....spontaneity often adds an element.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by constantlylearning

NOT Coollllllllllllll.........Period. Once again from the top, why would anyone, who
claims to have affection for another, try and do anything other than make the
significant other feel loved and cared for? Anyone's response would be great.
In other words, what's in it for them to treat another caliously?

In their minds, CL, whatever they want. In this particular context it comes from a place of self-centeredness and manipulation of others. I want what I want when I want it and if you disagree with me or deny me I'll make your life miserable. And it works for them enough times that it gets positively reinforced so they keep doing it.

[sera300]

As all have said this should be raising a major red flag. Not to solution the problem but to walk & never look back. See the control issue? See the reaction. The part which I do not understand; together for three years? As far as I am concerned; it's three years too long. YOU ARE NOT MARRIED-WALK!

The only blame is his behavior in this instance & you thinking there is something to work through. See the "I did this"? You are blaming yourself for his actions.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by lnt1103

In their minds, CL, whatever they want. In this particular context it comes from a place of self-centeredness and manipulation of others. I want what I want when I want it and if you disagree with me or deny me I'll make your life miserable. And it works for them enough times that it gets positively reinforced so they keep doing it.

CL, again one example is mental illness. People do not see anything wrong with their actions. To exemplify in their opinion; they are not wrong, the world is. Not an excuse for such actions but it serves for clarification of why.

What I find interesting, you refuse to see the real issue or see what causes it. This is a major issue in life and through not looking at it is a way to avoid dealing with a matter. No one has said it's okay but the attitude will never change if people keep turning their backs stating they do not understand why. In learning why, you learn to see what may not seem so obvious. It's a way to put the wool over the eyes. I do not see you as that type of man. It's easy to say treat the one you love well; some people cannot. What if you are the only man a woman talks to and you are the only hope for her to chat & your encouragement caused her to follow through with getting help? If you knew about more of this, you could make a difference through identification of an issue. This issue is all around you; advocacy is key.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by sera300

As all have said this should be raising a major red flag. Not to solution the problem but to walk & never look back. See the control issue? See the reaction. The part which I do not understand; together for three years? As far as I am concerned; it's three years too long. YOU ARE NOT MARRIED-WALK!

The only blame is his behavior in this instance & you thinking there is something to work through. See the "I did this"? You are blaming yourself for his actions.

Now I think about it Sera, you're absolutely right. OP, strike what I said about his point of view. He's not healthy for you.

[smallestoftheclan]

I would of left after telling him no the first time. If it was only 15 minutes and he doesn't get it then say no and leave. The relationship I was in with Goof had boundaries. I told him that I either need to start staying overnight or be gone by a certain hour. I have epilepsy and the meds I take can make me feel lousy, and I take them every morning and every night. I don't drive for a few hours after taking either dose and try to be as close to 12 hours between the doses as I can.
He decided that ok I could stay. It was his decision, at the beginning of our relationship one of the guidelines was no overnights. He either wanted to be with me or he didn't. You need to set some guidelines with him, if you decide to try and make this relationship work. No is no and if you can only be there for 15 minutes why would he even want to get things started. Are you going to be satisfied in 15 minutes?
Goof and I stopped the benefits part of our friendship because, I now want a commitment, ring on the finger ect and well that is not what he wants. And I see no change, so to keep my sanity I called it off. It's hard, he's a friend, he's friends with some of my friends so it's not like I won't or don't see or hear about him on a pretty regular basis. I just can't call anyone, our mutual friends don't know about the benefits, when I haven't heard from him to make sure he's ok.
You have to decide how strong you are, and what you want. He's not going to change, he'll be like this in 15 years (probably) can you deal with it then?

[constantlylearning]

I do not refuse anything of the sort..........but thanks anyway Sera. I choose
to see things as I do PERIOD. I do not understand that type of behavior nor
do I condone it. I simply cannot see the mindset that instigates that sort of
action. And yes, I know nothing about behavior like that I have never been
around (family or related family) it nor do I ever desire to be associated with.
Probably something I am better to comment on............that I will give you.