wife has no desire

[zaq2]

I have been married for over 10yrs, she is 37 and I'm 34, we have three kids and have sex about 4 times a year. She has no desire for sex at all, started after the first kid and got worst after twins. Both work and have always even through the infant yrs. She broke down and told me this about 2 yrs ago, before this there was the normal excuses. We would usually have sex about once a month, until after the she told me her feelings. Once this happened we have been to sex therapy, and she has had hormones checked. Therapy seems to help for a while, but not any more. I'm not sure what to do,we have a great relationship other than this issue, I can't live the rest of my life like this. I have never cheated and I'm sure that she has not either. I have the normal fantasies of other women, but sure that I could never cheat on her. We are both still attractive and very close to the same weight that we were when we met. I'm starting to lose respect for her, and my confidence is about shot. I have been very patience, I do not pressure her. (4 times a year maybe a little) We share all chores around the house and get along great, just don't know what happen to the sex. Looking for some one to help, would like to here from a women that has no desire.
Thanks,
zaq2

I read zaq post he has same issue with his wife.

[sera300]

I do not know you ages, but this is something she has to make time for & to get back into. Wanting sex, the more you get generally the more you want. If you have been through therapy; is that the place to re-start?

If her hormones were checked, how long ago? I can say I always had a high libido, noticed it dwindled very first. Preferred to look at the things to be done list over think of sex. The most gorgeous man could have walked by; I would not have noticed. Short story went to the gyn told him something is very wrong. He did full hormone work ups; it was time for Hormone Replacement therapy. It took 6 months, now repaired, good to go.

If this is not the case, maybe there is a matter in the marriage? It's not normal to have sex 4 times a year!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay.

She's basically turned that circuit off. To rekindle it find the sticky post entitled The Program and follow it to the letter. Also look up the sticky post Body Worship. Varying your technique in small ways can have a huge effect. Does she orgasm easily? Has she ever been multi-orgasmic? If not, what have you two been doing for 10 years?

When you two were in therapy - did your wife ever say anything about how she views sex? Does she think it is just for young people, just for having children, or anything like that?

Please see: http://www.iep.utm.edu/s/sexualit.htm

It can be difficult for women who have bought into the "good woman" culture they were taught as children to understand what sex means to men and what damage lack of sex can do to thier marriage and their husbands.

Ladies, if you want him to think he's "less than a man" - stop having sex with him.

I know of some books that could help. Let me know if you'd like the list.

[zaq2]

I'm not sure the last time her hormone level was checked.(maybe once each year) In the past she did not have any problems even multi orgasmic, but says she has not had orgasm since first child over ten yrs ago. She thinks that she has sexual aversion, and the therapist agreed. But they could not believe this to be the case once she told them that she could still get wet. (would normally need lubrication if there is truly no interest) We have never needed any type of lubrication. For the first eight yrs after children we had sex maybe once a month sometimes twice. I knew that she was not as interested as me, but thought that with the kids and work that this is normal. (maybe just a phase of life for women) Then about 2 yrs ago she admitted to be faking that she was enjoying sex. I'm glad she finally told me this, but also think that this is hard to get past. I'm very understanding, but sometimes I need some proof that she is working on this problem. She has been self conscious of some excess skin in the stomach area from the twins. Thought maybe that this was part of the problem(not feeling attractive due to this) She even expressed this as part of the problem, told her that I would support her to take care of this. But I wanted her to do it for her not for me, we have the money but she was afraid to do the surgery. Bottom line is that I think that I have been very understanding and supportive, but I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. I'm not perfect but I don't think that I'm abusive in any way, and I'm sure she will agree. She says she just has no interest.

[sera300]

Does she want to fix this? If so, perhaps she needs to go to a therapist alone and seriously work on developing her sexuality and you be supportive of the measures. Beyond this; I do not think there is any solution; she has to begin to fix her feelings and resolve them.

Based upon her age, if she is nearing 40? I would be certain to see another gyn doc. for a medical opinion. Does she ever get "hot flashes"?

[zaq2]

She states that she wants to, but I don't see alot of attempts. Last year I was out of town quite a bit on business, We were then in therapy and was suggested that she needed time to work on this alone. I'm not sure that she used this time to work on the problem. I think that it is to the point were she has to put everything else aside and really take this serious. I don't feel I can help her at this point, I'm afraid everything I do is pressure on her and will make matters worse. I don't think that she gets hot flashes, I do know that she has irregular periods and bleeds heavily. I have mentioned seeing a new OB but she has yet to do so. I'm not even sure that she is serious with the one she has. Although that is how we got to the therapist. As far as her views on sex, I don't think she has any at this point. She is very open minded so I don't think this would be an issue.

[sera300]

I suggested the hormones being in question only since I found I went suddenly labile. I was fortunate not to be in a relationship since I could not even think of sex much less a desire; would rather go play with the tractor. This was a red flag & would have done anything to fix it. I was prepared to see a Psych & go on anti-depressants if the hormones were normal. I had no estrogen, prosegt., and no detectable testosterone. The ovaries had shut off and this was the result. No cycle suddenly, and hot flashes, nervousness, etc suddenly. Most women though go through stages gradually but secondary to the ovaries failing it hit like a brick wall. I went on the HRT & 6 months later was back in full swing.

Since you said this happened since the first child her lack of orgasms and the decline in sex? I would think there is a psychological issue. I do wonder though if she was given low does of Testosterone by the gyn as an experiment if that would help. Otherwise? It sounds as if she is so complacent she is depressed and does not wish to go over the matter. I would really lay it on the line with her, based on how you perceive this. You are her husband. Either she gets serious about the therapy, be certain to discuss this with the therapist first, & let her know you are not a happily married man. I would tell her you love her but cannot continue, what is it going to take for her to see there is more than just her? You are part of the marriage! Your kids have to be picking up on parts of this as well.

I was raised be happy to see your husband come home & show him...if I had somehting not right; I would fix it. Sex is too important to me in a marriage to just skip & more so when you have a spouse suffering alone without an apparent reason or a whole-hearted attempt to fix it. Maybe she would do better working less? Stay at home mom? I don't know her or what she really wanted for her life.

[2little]

just another thought,

is she one any kind of long term medication? i know anti depressants will lower a womens sex drive and so will birth control.

[dancingdoc2]

How tired is she at the end of the day? Beginning? Working and taking care of children even with your help can take the enthusiasm right out of notion to express love and make love.

At the very least even without a sex drive, she should understand that you have wants, needs, and desires, thus should be willing to "service" you on a regular basis whether she feels romantically inclined or not.

Speaking of which, how is she romantically--hugging, kissing, snuggling, and all the stuff before Foreplay and sex?

[SoFreshSoClean]

4 TIMES A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!
Man i applaud you for sticking this out! The marriage for the kids sake is important but for real your life is important as well. If she is going crazy tryna fix this problem i can say sick it out but that doesnt seem to be the case.

The truth is we as men can Love a women with all of our heart but sex on the side to us is just that..Sex, a fair exchange to gain physicall pleasure and thats all. We can f*@k a chick and come home to our women like nothing ever happened...and quiet as kept i know women who can do it and do it too!

I think if your wife doesnt even have the desire to get help on her own then wtf are you supposed to do suffer?! that selfish and if her day goes bay day after day and she doesnt even see what this is doing to you then dont let her see what solution you have found and live ya life...But get you some sex on the side sir..

I know for me no sex builds up my stress level like you wouldnt beleive! i get real cranky then im just aggravated etc....Sex brings my tension level down amongst other good neccesary things.

You gotta live brotha.
If she isnt helping this situation ESPECIALLY as your WIFE then....handle ya personal needs...it wont effect how you treat your children or her...you may end up being nicer around the place and if she thinks u may be getting some pussy on the side she may start acting right! 10yrs...man that women is beyond comfortable! she needs a real reality check!

If she wont fuck her husband another woman will!