not really intersted

[shychick]

Hi all.
This is my issue. I'm not really interested in having sex with my husband! omg! I didn't think it would ever come to this! We have been together for 14 years; married 4 of those years. I am a healthy 29 year old woman, with 3 yr old and twin 13 month olds.
I can/do get sexually aroused when watching porn, reading erotic stories etc, but when it comes time to having relations with my husband; i just don't want to, maybe I'm just not attracted to him any more. Actually, i know i'm not. Since we moved to a new city almost 7 yrs ago, he has put on over 80lbs, where as i have put on almost 10lbs and that's after having 3 kids. i just want to go out and find some stranger to get it on with, maybe bring someone in to give us something new to do??
Anyone else having this problem? Any feedback would be great!
Thx : )

[Buck Naked]

Heavy. Honesty may be the only choice here. I know if my wife told me I needed to lose weight because she just isn't attracted to me anymore I would do something about it. I'm pretty sure having sex with a stranger would just complicate the problem more. I don't envy you one bit.

[goof'schik]

I am sure that with a 3 year old and 2 13 months old in the house your intimacy has changed as well. Have you talked to each other about this? What can he do to be the one that rocks your socks again? Is it just his weight? I agree that bringing a third into the mix is not a good idea. I say find a babysitter and go away for the weekend. No kids, no housework, ect. Remember what you each love about each other and go from there.

[constantlylearning]

Shy,what about the whole relationship has taken a downward spin? Is it simply
the physical nature or are there other problems that perhaps have manifested
themselves into something else? Could it be the pressure of children etc? You
make reference to weight and physcial charactersitics........is that the single
issue as far as being attracted to your husband?

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

Good questions have been raised. I look forward to reading your introspective answers.

From your description of the time line, it seems that the two of you started and stopped dating with each other instead of remaining friends yet dating lots of other people during your teen years and early twenties. Dating in this manner is a necessary procedure for developing our social and psychological selves and to be better able to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right come along. In addition, because we continue to mature and round out our character we usually become attracted to much different attributes and personalities in our early to mid twenties than in our teens. This may be what has happened to you.

While weight can be a contributing factor, it may simply be symptomatic of a much bigger problem. How involved and engaged is your husband in your daily lives? Yes, he works, yet when he comes home does he pitch in and help take care of the household needs and the children? If not, why not? It is a fact that a stay-at-home mom works the equivalent of two full time jobs. If you are employed then this is a third. A successful relationship is a working partnership. If he comes home, sits down in front of the TV with a beer, burps, and tunes out, as an example, then he needs to pitch in!

Taking care of a young child and two infants the same age is a taxing and demanding job without breaks--unless you build those in. One way is to get him involved so you have time for yourself and each other. If this is not on the calendar, then make this a priority on your to-do lists.

I agree that making time for yourselves is also necessary. If you have one or more family members willing to baby sit for a few hours every so often then enlist them and give them the reasons why. If no family then friends. If no friends, then make room in the budget for hiring a sitter. If no money, then do without something but make the allocations.

Physical changes can alter how we feel about someone; however, on the flip side, very often we hear that weight or other physical changes do not. My question for you is what has not changed in your relationship to keep up with the changing times? Very often having a lack of sexual attraction is a symptom of another more serious problem in the relationship. I'd look into this and fix this. Going out and finding a third person to have a fling with is certainly not a fix. This will only exacerbate the problem. Besides, how would you feel if he cheated on you for whatever the so called justification?? (My guess no matter how dysfunctional your relationship is that in addition to being mad, hurt, betrayed, loosing trust, you would be at the divorce attorney's door first thing in the morning.)

Next, how engaged is your husband with you? If not very, why not? This goes back not only to taking on an equal share of the household responsibilities and the care and nurturing of your children after he returns from work, but the care and nurturing of your relationship as well. Me thinks you need to have a cool calm discussion without the kids around and air your concerns, and also learn what is on his mind. If he is not willing to see that "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", then I recommend counseling. If he still refuses to recognize that there are problems then you have a decision or two to make regarding your future.

Weight gain can be symptomatic of a relationship issue. If this is the case, you can each choose to make a life style change for yourselves in order to take care of the problem. You can also budget time to work on it together in partnership as noted above.

I get that you are tired, warn out, stressed, and maybe feeling that you are getting no help or relief. This is a very common complaint mothers of young children express. If your husband does not understand or "get this" also, then get out the frying pan and get his attention. (My Mama had three instruments of control AND for getting our attention: the frying pan {for Dad), the fly swatter {for me), and--"the look" for either of us.) They loved each other, worked hard, rarely took a family vacation, yet if one of them had a relationship problem, they dealt with it. How are you going to deal with this matter?

In order to get the ball rolling, after having your discussion with him, why not put on the charm? While you may not feel like it in the beginning, if he is being cooperative, then put the kids to bed early and take some time for each other. Alternately, set the alarm an hour early in the morning once in a while and romance each other before the kids wake and your day apart begins. Another idea is to ask him to look after the children while you take a relaxing bath. Dim the light, light a candle, and zone out in a tub full of bubble bath. If and when he does get that he needs to be engaged, farm the kids out for a couple of hours and take a bath together once in a while, also. If not a bath, then what about a walk around the neighborhood separately or together?

[goof'schik]

Doc, you took the words right out of my mouth. Mine sounded so wrong in words, while yours are so much better.

[shychick]

My husband and I have been EXCLUSIVE with each other only since I was 15 yrs old! And I was his first sexual experience. He was my second. So, it's kindof werid. But other than that wow! Ok; you've openned my eyes completely! THANK YOU! You said what I have been feeling and just didn't have the words for! My husband is fantastic! He comes home from work; sits and plays with the kiddies while I make supper, after we get the kids to bed he washes the dishes, bottles and tidies the kitchen. Then after that; it's pretty much nothing. Perhaps that's what gets to me? I don't know. All I know is that the flame is pretty dim. I get to bed at midnight most nights and 1 of our twins just doesn't sleep well at night, so I am up at least 2 times, then I'm up with them at 5am. (my first born was soooo not like this lol) So i do agree, I am tired and maybe not feeling so good about myself. Maybe it's not just him. I don't feel as sexy as I did before kids; my poor titties aren't quite what they use to be, but I still do try to engage him; it's a little more difficult to be spontanious. Before we use to have sex in public; and mess anywheres really! I use to pretend I was sleeping (he worked til 4am when we first started living together) and have on super sexy stuff for him and he would take it from there. I just don't know if I have the same feelings as I did for him when I first started going with him. I still love him to bits; but the romance isn't there at all. He always WANTS to do things for me; flowers, movies, jewlry etc etc; but 3 kids and 1 income, it doesn't work out that way. I feel really bad.
Perhaps if I start taking the time to make myself feel good; then everything will feel good again. Like u said, taking a walk together or alone, dinner, something. He looks after our children all the time so I can try and do things; but the twins are soooo beyond attahed to me that if I am in the house having a bath or shower or trying to do something else; they will just stand in place and cry like the dickens while i return. lmao
so, i don't really do much when they are awake.
I really appreicate you taking the time to write such a long feedback 4 me; you've openned my eyes and you're right, it's not just the weight, it's a little of everything. Time to take time to work on us! Thanks a million!!!!!

[shychick]

ty for taking time to respond; hmmmmm...i guess the prob is, I haven't really told him outright. I make little hints like "we should workout together". but he hasn't really taken the hint. And we don't really get the time to go workout anyhow! : )
Cheers

[shychick]

i don't think i am really doing the thread the right way; i am trying to respond to ppls feedback so that they can see who i am replying to

[sera300]

People have given you great feedback. He sounds like a good man. One thought; you mentioned the twins cannot be out of your site without putting up a major fuss. Now, is the time to stop that. Ask a family member or friend you trust well to take them for short periods of time, even if it's while you run out grocery shopping. Get them accustomed to "Mom does return & we are okay with Aunt, Uncle, Grandma, Grandpa, etc".

Get out and walk with your husband & be conscious of what you do make for dinner; make it a overall healthy lifestyle. Tell him you wish him & yourself to have good habits which will reflect to your children. If you had a wild life before; take some time to just put on some toe nail/finger nail polish. As the household & time fits, add the extra time to do a 5 minute makeup routine. As you incorporate these habits it become second hand.

Flat out ask him; so where did our awesome sex life go? Take the time to be a wife as well as you are a mom! It begins with the small steps! In other words find ways to be more efficient & effective in what you do so you can feel as you did once.