How long can you avoid an issue?

[llblovesejw]

So, my boyfriend and I have been going out for quite a while now and of the hundreds of things we've probably argued about in that time, there's only one topic that might actually be the thing to break us.

I am avidly AVIDLY against alcohol. The taste, the smell, the way it changes people - all of it disgusts me so much.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, loves it. It breaks my heart everytime he drinks and I actually started crying again just now. It's just, to see someone I love so much reduced to a idiotic mass of blubbering stuttering unbalanced mess makes me ashamed of him. He apparently didn't have the family history I had. His mother, whom he idolizes, taught him that drinking is okay. My mother, though, is a walking punchline among my friends. Every picture she's in - wine glass, margarita glass, beer bottle. Whenever my friends think about my mom doing ANYTHING, she's got a wine glass. The bring up hypothetical situations where she would be doing something ridiculous but saving the glass from spilling. The rest of my family... I am from the South so I say this with the greatest affection - But they are a bunch of redneck drunks that I never tell anyone about because I am so embarrassed.. Unfortunately, I do not know anyone who can drink "responsibly".

But for as much as I hate drinking, my boyfriend hates smoking. I, on the other hand, don't. And I don't know how to do anything but retaliate when he drinks, so whenever he drinks, I smoke. He doesn't know that if he just asked me, I would never smoke again. I don't need it if I had him. I don't understand why he has to drink. I just... It breaks my heart, and he doesn't understand. He said if I ever told him to stop, he just wouldn't tell me when he did it. Why is it so important.... Why can't he just be happy with me without that?

Can someone help me? Please. I don't...know... I just don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think, I don't know if I'm being outrageous - I'm just so sad. I hate it so much.

[goof'schik]

I won't go into why I hate alcohol but there are people who drink responsibly and I can't tell them not to. Offer to give up smoking if he gives up alcohol. Offer to be there for him, when he needs a drink, if he's there for you when you need a smoke.
All you can do is try, you will probably sneak a cig here and he may sneak a drink there. And again you try.

[llblovesejw]

I think another problem may be that neither of us give in very easily...
We are both EXTREMELY stubborn people. I will try your solution because I would actually agree to that, I just don't know if he would.
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[dancingdoc2]

This is a deal breaker as far as I can determine. You don't like what he enjoys, and he doesn't enjoy what you like and he probably retaliates, also.

Neither substance is good for you and smoking is probably worse whether he drinks socially, moderately, or heavy. (Personally, I detest the smell and would never kiss a person who smokes--yuck.)

It is doubtful that either of you will change. Where is the motivation to do so for either of you? Remain friends if you want, but go find someone who doesn't mind that you smoke and who does not have any habits that upset you.

Lastly, mature people do not fight. Learn coping skills, the art of negotiating, and, how to debate. These are much better skills for a relationship than "fighting".

[Lost one]

I do think that the drink has ruined some chances with women i might have had and certainly brings me false confidence. Depending on the bottle is bad. In your case, take the advice above and don't ask him to give up his habit, but not yours. Let him know its an issue and agree to give up for him.

Both of you have an addiction. Addiction is something both of you must face alone. Just encourage each other on breaking it.

[llblovesejw]

I am going to marry this man.
I want a way to fix it, I don't want a way to end things gracefully.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

whether he drinks socially, moderately, or heavy.

Which of these describes his drinking habits? Does he get falling down drunk when he drinks, or is it just one or two to be sociable and/or unwind?

If the former, and on a regular basis, y'all need to talk this out, and Doc's right, fighting is no way to do that-and neither is retaliation btw so quit it, its immature and unhealthy for the relationship.

If the latter, apparently you DO know at least one person who can drink responsibly, so honestly, IMO, what's the big deal? Why does it have to be all or nothing if he's not inappropriate when he drinks?

You both need to get past your stubbornness and communicate. Put the egos away and compromise to work this out. Especially if you plan to marry him. Contrary to the popular beliefs of most incredibly stubborn people, happy mediums are NOT losing-on the contrary, everybody wins. And if you do indeed get married, you'll have lots of chances to compromise and find happy mediums, so get used to it, sooner rather than later.

[llblovesejw]

Originally Posted by lnt1103

Which of these describes his drinking habits? Does he get falling down drunk when he drinks, or is it just one or two to be sociable and/or unwind?

If the former, and on a regular basis, y'all need to talk this out, and Doc's right, fighting is no way to do that-and neither is retaliation btw so quit it, its immature and unhealthy for the relationship.

If the latter, apparently you DO know at least one person who can drink responsibly, so honestly, IMO, what's the big deal? Why does it have to be all or nothing if he's not inappropriate when he drinks?

You both need to get past your stubbornness and communicate. Put the egos away and compromise to work this out. Especially if you plan to marry him. Contrary to the popular beliefs of most incredibly stubborn people, happy mediums are NOT losing-on the contrary, everybody wins. And if you do indeed get married, you'll have lots of chances to compromise and find happy mediums, so get used to it, sooner rather than later.

"What's the big deal?" That's the response I get from everyone. There are very few people who understand how much and why I hate alcohol. I am tired of everyone looking at me as if I am crazy because I abhor it. It's partially my fault I guess because it is hard for me to express, but idk... It's hard to find a "happy medium" when everyone's against you.

[sera300]

Often when there is a parent(s) in a household which is filled with alcohol & alcoholism, the child/offspring is very super sensitive even through adulthood & skeptical of those who do drink [if they do not follow in the same footsteps]. Ones addiction can vary from one drink a day to random drinks. What defines an alcoholic is the need of the person to consume the drink. It can be one drink nearly every day or multiples when they are around friends.

Either way it's a dependence on a substance. If this is how he is, YOU will not change him. He must wish to put the drinks down for himself; not for you. When he wishes to do such you may have a chance; otherwise, this is a battle you shall have for life. The fights will never end.

Furthermore, you taking up another substance, an addiction, is a bad solution to a bad situation. You are harming your health to make a point to him?

Marriage? Should not even be on the table since you are not accepting of him as he is. YOU do not change people; YOU find the ones right for you; don't try to tailor them to your liking. Time to walk away and put your cigarettes down. See, this is about taking care of YOU & your needs. Why? You are asking someone to be a person they are not.

[goof'schik]

You need to sit and talk and come to terms. Especially if you want to get married and have kids. Yet if he doesn't want to give up drinking he won't, like if you didn't want to give up smoking you won't.
How long can you avoid an issue? In this case it's been avoided to long already. Although I do think you and he have talked about it. Leaving a relationship is hard. So what is your breaking point? How long is too long for him to continue to drink? And smoking is a harder habit to break than drinking so you are in for a hard road.
Not doing either is better for your heath, physical and mental, so that is a good reason to quit either or both. I've actually done both. I only smoked for 2 years when I quit, my little brother told my dad. I was 20 and living at home and driving a car my dad had bought me but was in his name. I quit or it got sold or given away, it was 4 months old then. I was born with a heart murmur and well dad paid 5 thousand for the dr's to fix it.
Alcohol was because I could see that one drink led to the next so I just never took the first. That was a daily issue, as were the smokes, because all of my friends drank and/or smoked back then. Stubborn chik.