I am just afraid of it being “The Last Straw”

[GenderBent]

Hello everyone, got yourselves a newbie here I will apologize in advance because this will be a pretty lenthy post because i feel i need to start way back in the beginning.

I will just start by saying that as a young boy my preconceptions about sex were entirely bent, my wife swears that she thinks i was molested at a very young age. I had thought that women had penises in addition to something else i didn't think you were supposed to put something in the butt at the time so it went somewhere right? I was sexually active (masturbating and ejaculating) at or around kindergarten to fantasies of women with that added equipment. At some time before i had begun puberty i had learned differently. Then came something that was very shocking to my mother. When puberty was beginning for me and my body was changing etc, my chest was tender and sore. I had told my mother and she took me to the dr and he “examined” me. Of course i had been examining myself as i was trying to figure out why my nipples were feeling sort of bruised yet not and very sensitive to touch. There were, at least i now believe, budding breasts. You could feel underneath the skin something was growing. My penis worked fine and yes i was increasingly horny as young men are, but this was weird that's for sure. The doctor gave me some pills and after a while they went away and dad pushed me even harder into sports.

I have had several gay adventures and they were just that, breif episodes. It wasn't because i found them attractive, i couldn't even kiss them. But i could go down on them and let them do the same. Etc. i still mainly went after women.

I had told my first wife about my gay adventures and it disgusted her to the point she wouldn't even kiss me for nearly a week. She and i divorced later on (about 3yrs, she was having affairs etc. and i was only really staying for our son.)

My second marriage however is the one that has lasted and i love her so dearly! Which is why i am here. One time i showed up to be with her wearing a dress, she thought it was cute, but she didn't want sex that night, which isn't unusual for her when we had company ( my best female friend and her girlfriend who had “Dressed Me Up” did my hair, etc). I didn't turn her off per say, just didn't elicit the reaction i had expected, but then again, i didn't know what i expected.

A couple of years later i had had a string of affairs much to my shame. And it wasn't because i didn't enjoy sex with her or anything like that. I have had a long journey trying to understand what drove me to do that. Or why i did it and continued to do so. I know i have battled w/ depression for years and i really have a nasty habit of self sabotaging myself. Re-earning my wife's trust has been the most difficult thing to do. Being there for her when she has those moments of pain and all of that but i have committed myself to being entirely devoted to her. Like i had said, i love her dearly and her pain hurts me as well. It has been nearly 6 years or so since my last indiscretion, and yes i say that as a recovering alcoholic for a reason.

At some point i had remembered that as a young boy i had a neighbor boy around the same age as me that we had tried him dressing me up in his sister's hose and panties and we had played at having sex etc. and while my wife was away i would slip into her lingerie drawer and wear some of her stuff.

In the past couple of years there had been a couple of times that she had been on top and then moved her legs in between mine and she would get demanding of me. That was so incredible to me. So wonderful and intense, i loved the feeling of having her between my legs. But she would always act like she is sort of ashamed of herself, disgusted or something. She has only done it a couple of times though. Sometimes we will take a shower together and play around and she was washing my back and her soapy hand had slipped between my butt cheeks. I had jerked because i was surprised and she has never done it again even though i want her to but just don't know how to ask her.

Yes she knows of my “adventures” on the other side, and she knows i just don't find men attractive, she is a beautiful woman with a quasie masculine attitude. She isn't butch in any sense really but strong and ... well balanced at least in my opinion.

So how do i encourage her to be more “Deviant” in regards to our sex? I sometimes wonder if it is that she thinks i am disgusting for enjoying it or if she feels that way about herself . How on earth does someone start that particular conversation? How can i tell her that i fantasize about her being between my legs and that i may even want to get a strap on and to try that as well, well maybe anyway?

I am just so afraid of it being “The Last Straw” you know what i mean?

If you made it through to here i want to thank you for taking the time to read this!

[sera300]

Have you ever thought you are Bisexual? And what you have described is your way of acting it out? And the drinking is your way of coping with not wishing to accept this? If your wife can deal with the situation in the bedroom is it not better to be honest than go behind her back?

[Tao]

Your post sounds genuine, and you sound like you really care for and love your wife.

So, honestly?

Just humbly show her this post, what you've written, with no pressure and an open mind and heart. I'm sure the two of you will be able to find a compromise where both of you get what you want and need.

[GenderBent]

I'm sorry i guess i must have been ineloquent, well, not surprising considering how nervous i am.

First off, i know i am not bisexual because i just do not find men attractive. I was trying those adventures (not while married, don't think she could have tolerated that.) because i knew that i wanted to be more free as femme and so i thought that maybe i had these impulses because i was gay. i have even watched a lot of those transexual pornos thinking that was what i wanted to be or that was what i liked and to be honest i don't think that fits either. i guess i should have put on as my nic : Confused! the best way to think of it that comes at least close i think is to think of me as a lesbian trapped in a mans body but even that still isn't correct, it's just the closest i can come to.

Secondy, i refered to the recovering alcoholic the way i did because the infidelities where like an addiction. i am not a drinker really, maybe once a year i will get lit.

As for the honesty part, yes indeed it would be best, but like i was trying to express, i am afraid after all that she has already put up with, that this will be the last straw if she happens to be one of those ladies that just can not in any way shape or form tolerate such behavior/desires.

I have been doing a lot of research on this crossdressing thing while my wife is out of town, and more and more, i have begun to think that because the affairs and mess started mostly when i had started in probably one of the most hectic times of my life and i was resisting my crossdressing urges, i think ( or at least have begun to suspect ) that i was trying to over compensate by "spreading around some seed" to be rather crass about it.

[goof'schik]

I woulld suggest you go talk to somebody. There are therapists who specialize in sexual issues and from your original post I think you have deep unanswered questions.
You mentioned that when puberty was beginning for me and my body was changing etc, my chest was tender and sore. I had told my mother and she took me to the dr and he “examined” me. The doctor gave me some pills and after a while they went away. What kind of pills? I don't think I have heard of any pills that make breasts go away.
You need some big questions answered and a therapist would be a good start. I know men that cross-dress, in the privacy of their own home but I don't offer to go do their hair or make-up.
A good friend of mine from when I was growing up is gay. He and I hadn't talked in over 22 years, yet I really wasn't surprised to hear he was gay. He experimented as a child, figured out around the age of 10 he was gay, dated women, got married, got divorced and has been with his partner 20 years. About sex he said I knew what I liked. We had a discussion about another of our neighors who had committed suicide, not my brother, and he wondered if it had to do with that this person had been raised in a Catholic home and couldn't deal with the "guilt" of his feelings for the same sex. I have a feeling it had to do with being raised in a Catholic home, but it was more of his taste for those who are not quite ready for sex, of either gender. If you know what I mean.
Your counselor will help you figure yourself and your future relationship with your wife out. She may need counseling as well. I myself would be a little freaked if Goof showed up for bed in one of my nighties. I would think he was being a goof and trying to amuse me more than anything else. And if his best friend (male or female) and their girlfriend had been visiting and dressed him up, I not only would not of let him touh me that night I don't know that I would ever let him touch me again. I do know that if we were going to try and work it out those two people would never be allowed over again, and I mean NEVER. What were these two outside the door listening for my reaction and laughing their heads off???????

[sera300]

I am with G.Chick here. I know first my surprise when I walked in the door early from work & saw my then spouse in my garbs. I thought it was some weird joke; then realized the rest when I looked at my bed.

I would freak out if I came home and found a spouse again like that or any man I was dating. And it's not just because of the past, I know the shock of what I saw initially. I think a professional might be the best route; unless your wife is into it.

At best I have thrown on my husbands shirt or an ex boyfriends if it was cold; not going to wear his underwear.

I am not trying to be cruel but this is something that will be a really big shocker to her if she does not already know; cannot hide forever either, eventually she will figure her clothing is re-done or find you in it.

[goof'schik]

I know that as a woman I can walk around a mall in a guys shirt, or sweat pants and not get a second look. I have even bought a pair or two of guys boxers for myself but I don't share my undergarments with anyone.
I also am not saying that you as a man wearing a woman's clothes is wrong. If you do it outside your home you are going to get stared at and that is something you will need to be prepared to deal with.
As some people enjoy oral or anal or one position over the other that is their choice and need to find a partner that has the same preferences or at least the open mind to accept their partner has that preference. And there needs to be an open line of communication. Communication is probably one of if not the most important part of being a couple. Not just for in the bedroom but for life. House or apt, kids no kids, household spending, and if there are kids all the decisions that come with that starting with their name.
I'll say it over and over again, if you can't ask the person you are about to be intimate with about their past then stay dressed. It's not hard to ask someone you have no connection to, such as a pro, if they are clean so you do. However to ask someone with a connection it's a little more complicated, not that you think they sleep around or live an unhealthy lifestyle, you're just asking to protect yourself now and forever.

[EvilEvilKitten]

There's nothing terribly wrong with you - you're just a cross-dressing beta male who desires his wife to be more dominant. Not a problem! So how do you ask her? Well, if talking to her directly is too difficult just now, ask her to read this: www.wickedwomangroup.us.

Then you two should be able to sit down and discuss this without fear or pretence. This is just how you are. Your infidelities were a searching for acceptance because you feared your wife would not. She may not accept you now. I cannot guarantee that. Women have been trained so completely to take the less dominant role that yes, she might very well feel "less of a woman" and shame for being dominant.

If you help her - she might help you.