How does an adult child deal with a parents new relationship

[goof'schik]

As I have posted in other threads I recently have been in contact with some of the people that I grew up with. Now most of these people I have not seen in 30 years. I knew them, their siblings, their parents and in many cases other family members very well. I moved into the neighborhood I grew up in when I was 2 and a half.
My parents pasted away in 1986 and in 1987 and to be frank I could never see them with anyone other than each other. Some of my friends have lost one or the other parent, and the other parent now has a bf or gf. Some of them lost a parent several years ago and the surviving parent also had a bf or gf before now also passing away.
Is anyone in or been in this situation and how do you deal? I didn't grow up sheltered I know divorce and remarriage but I somehow feel this is different. These parents may of been married 50 plus years and now has found someone new.
In a way I wish this is something I would of experienced, my parents would not of died when I was 25 and 26. I haven't discussed this with my new/old friends, the guys are actually the more open. One happy his dad found someone for 5 years before passing himself this past years and the other happy that his mom has a man in her life currently.
Do son's feel differently than daughters? And is there a different feeling if this is the mom or the dad that has found new happiness?

[Brandye]

Try some grief and loss websites. Death is an ending of a person and relationships but those still living have living to do.

[dancingdoc2]

My mother had a long distance friendship with a woman for many years. After my mother and father passed away (six weeks apart) I continued to maintain contact for a few more years. This woman outlived her two children, their father, and three more husbands!

I do not subscribe to the notion or belief that if your spouse dies that your life as an autonomous adult does also. My mother was "Mrs. L.W.," not "B.", and passed away several weeks after my father. I was just beginning to see her emerge as her own person in the interim. Her father passed away when she was two and my grandmother never remarried or even dated afterward.

After my divorce one of the women I dated had a thirteen y/o daughter she was raising alone as her husband was killed in an airplane accident while in the military. While she would date me she pretty much made it clear that she was interested in a FWB relationship than a marriage. Unable to change her mind, I eventually moved on.

Whether single as a result of a death or a divorce, I do believe we have to be true to ourselves and look out for A#1. I do not know of any religious tenet or moral code that dictates we remain single for life after the life of our spouse has ended. Our marriage vows give us the freedom to move on with the pronouncement "until death do us part". This does not mean that we cannot or should not keep the other person in our thoughts and hearts, and not continue to have a future. A spouse died, not both of you. The relationship changed as a result yet did not end. Divorce is a little different, yet there is no reason I can think of why both individuals should not get about the business of living.

I've never had to deal with a parent dating or a step parent. I do have family and friends who have to contend with one or the other. How a child copes and integrates the other person depends a lot on when (his/her age) the new person is entering or associating with the family, whether the result will be a blended family, and ultimately how much effort is made to work out objections or problems voiced by the child(ren).

> Do son's feel differently than daughters?

I do not believe so. If a child is unhappy that mom or dad has a new person in her/his life then I believe this stems from a lingering and longing for the parent who is gone and what could have been more than what can be. Children have a different relationship with parents than a spouse has with their partner. Often a child sees a new relationship as a betrayal of the original one. It isn't, of course, although how they eventually cope and accept a parent's new relationship depends upon how open accepting they are to change.

> And is there a different feeling if this is the mom or the dad that has found new happiness?

I do not know why unless it is because of what I just said, however, this seems to be the case.

[goof'schik]

Thanks Doc. I just wanted an idea so that I can set my personal boundaries in case this topic comes up in conversation. I tend to pull my foot out of my mouth on a regular basis. Not for so much saying the wrong thing but using the wrong words and in the wrong tone. I haven't changed, I was very much the same when I was a kid.
If anyone watches Jon and Kate plus 8, I can be very much like Kate. I know she loves Jon and Jon knows she loves Jon, the tone in her voice can come off as being mean and or rude and I don't think that is who Kate is as a person. My friends laugh and tell me that I could do voice over for her.
If my dad had lived longer I probably would of been ok if he had found a gf, yet if my dad had gone first I would of been very upset with my mom finding a bf. I was a total daddy girl and not very close to my mom.

[sera300]

Cannot tell you from a child's point since I did not have to deal with this; both are still living. As far as observations from dating those with children:

Widow's/Widower's with children often have an ritual or of a way of memorializing which is part of their life. Often see in the family dynamics is a special day observed or much talking about the deceased to the children [based on their age] to keep the memory alive and the children aware. Often the other person involved is not included in this time. If re-married they may be or not included in this time.

Divorced, often people move on with more ease since the other parent is present in life & there is shared custody of the kids. I do not meet any one's children unless we are very serious & exclusive. However, others do differently & casually. Since the other parent is still involved there are very different family dynamics. To exemplify; one parent may be angry, internally, over issues which are ongoing such as school or visitation; however, they hopefully do not let it show around the children. Then there are some parents who are left with sole custody since the other parent is not part of the child's life, this happens to men a great deal & the man is the single/sole parent.

I found this in a few I have dated--down to the point of my former fiance, there are difficulty's in each scenario.

Every Mother's day they traveled to the grave site as a ritual; it was a long distance away. The question I posed prior to the wedding date was "How do you plan to handle this when we have kids or if I wish to see my mom?" Answer was; "deal with it at that time". Due to his father's insistence my former fiance went with his family & on one specific Mother's Day (my moms (2 days after the death of my Mom's father, my grandfather)). I spent it alone & he went with his father & family to keep the long maintained ritual.

I have dated men who are widower's & those who are divorced. Divorced men appear to let themselves move on again with more ease & less guilt.

Kids? Well, either way they do adapt & they miss the parents being together or one missing. The degree of involvement with the new person in their life depends on how the parent handles it [regardless of who a child belongs to; if not yours you will always hear "You are not my parent"]. There is no substitute for the parent in any of the cases and being supportive of the situation is the best YOU can do for all involved. You can expect to hear this from both those who are divorced and those who are widows/widowers new spouse, g/f, b/f, fiance. They get the tough end too.

Just watch & see how the dynamics work. If something seems different don't just ask openly; inquire softly and let them tell you; ask the person you know & not the new partner or spouse.

It's all sticky when kids are involved; however, they do adapt & they do rebel.

[constantlylearning]

I think several variables play into the situation with parent's dating. Of course,every situation and person are different but perhaps the cause of the parents being separated weighs into how children feel about the new person. Maybe, the age of the parents also has some bearing (not that it should). But in the end, one question probably needs to be asked. If you (as the child) oppose your parent's new friend, do you have YOUR WELL BEING IN MIND or your parents. This is something
that I am very aware of.

[sera300]

How can you ask a child who's well being they perceive they have in mind? It's all about them, the child, and what they want--standard operating procedure. Any person, under any circumstances, that takes time away or beliefs away from their life, is wrong for them and their parent.

Unless you are dealing with a married "child" at that time perhaps something is being overlooked.

I see the same even with family. Talk to my brother's children, yes I love them & they love me; however, I am not vaguely comparable to Mom or Dad despite their faults and the kids "complaints". And I do take care of them all the time--however, Mommy did this better or Daddy did this better. Often I think one does it to get a rise out of me.

I have not seen one person successfully date another where the child involved really likes the other person since it's still time taken from them...even if it's just a phone call to the other! Rarely, I have seen a teen come around if Mom is not involved at all in the child's life and take a liking to the "friend".

Hence, the reason I do not wish to meet someones kids until there is a serious relationship involved. Not fair to the child [potentially to loose one they might learn to trust & care about] nor is it fair to me to get attached.

I see it as; the last thing in life they require is more uncertainty from a parent--regardless if it can be controlled or not. Those who have been successful in making a family? The new person who is willing to understand and accept the boundry's which come with children. Over time, the respect is learned & mutual only if the parent sets the example of being strong in their choice. It's never easy & providing a stable household is difficult when life changes unexpectedly.

[constantlylearning]

The "child" in the scenario I described would actually be an adult.....I should
have made that clear because that is an important component in the equation.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by constantlylearning

The "child" in the scenario I described would actually be an adult.....I should
have made that clear because that is an important component in the equation.

Yes, that is a big issue. However, they still see it through their eyes & I don' t think they understand until they have children of their own. One of my dear friends has 4; she devoted her life to her kids & raised them to respect her & her choices after her husband died--she refused to date. When they turned teens? The 4 sat her down & said "Mom...think you should be dating? Its about time". They were trustworthy and very sweet but these were concepts she put into them. Even kids in college, they want the fallback of the one parent. Face it, when the Senior dance comes, the weddings, etc. who do they want in their life first? The parent. The s/o or "new" spouse [regardless of how long they have been married] are out of the picture. There is no substitute for the security they had & still have. You sit in the sidelines and let it go.

An adult child? They still need the parent & the new "friend" or spouse is to be respected regardless if they care for the choice or not. If they do not care for it, they are living their lives, and should be respectful of the parents choices although they may not agree.

I always say; "You may not care for what I say; however, I respect your decisions and have supported your choices/wishes and expect you to do the same". If there are major contentions; perhaps they see something which is being overlooked? Look at Paul McCartney; his adult kids told him their thoughts & he placed trust in a woman since he did not wish to see it.

A man I know same situation...why? He put too much emphasis on the kids for what they lost. Now they rule his world and in ways I believe it's a form to maintain control and for him not to confront having to seriously date.

Good communication is key, no person will ever replace a parent nor should they attempt to. Respecting a lifestyle choice, should be a must. I don't see many parents disown their children in the tough times; why do they have any right to place judgement upon the parent & their choices when they are in fact an adult? If a parent is not there for their kids at the low times, different story. I really believe it comes down to values and how the adult children perceive the situation. Kindness & understanding both ways are imperative. If you raise good children; they will accept a change in time. Might take time & a great deal of talk & understanding of why life is different.
Insecurity is generally the root; fear of loss of what they had with the parent yet they fail to understand they are driving one away--Mom or Dad needs companionship chosen by the parent to be fulfilled on all levels. A happy parent is a good parent and this does not diminish the bond between the parent/child relationship--it can enhance it. One of my good friends raised her spouses children...she still gets the flack! If they understood [hopefully in time they will] what she HAS done for them & dad; life will be good. Yet she never was the substitute "Mom" since they once had one; she is there for them rooting every time. When will they understand fully the sacrifices both gave up? When they raise their own children.

[goof'schik]

In my case the "kids" are closer to 50 and yes they have kids. Both the sons who seem more open and their sisters who don't bring it up. In fact on of the guys is the "queer" (as he calls himself) and he and his partner adopted 5 years ago. A little boy now 10 and his little sister, who was 8 months, and is now 5.
My parents were older than the other parents on the street I guess. An adult was an adult, I never really thought about the ages of my parents vs the ages of my friends parents. Asked, as a child, do I feel robbed yes. How I would love to of turned 30, 35 and 40 with both or even one parent, but that is not how it happened.
The question I asked has given even myself reason to think. My cousin, she past in 2005, was married when I was 8. She had met him when I was 4, so he is as much a cousin to me as the rest of my cousins. He's been on a few dates, and at first I was shocked or hurt whatever, then I came to realize this keeps him alive. And I would rather him be alive than to see him slowly lose interest in life and possibly lose him too.
I had a former co-worker, no not goof, who's mom passed of cancer and she picked out her husbands next wife. It was her best friend. All the kids were grown, above 20, after some time they have all come to terms. They are Mormon and in that religion you are tied to your first forever. I know I am so saying this wrong. In a marriage they have the wedding and a ring ceremony, it's the ring ceremony that ties them forever, reunited in death.