Saying "I love you"

[raez]

This isn't really about sex, but I feel like you lot could offer me some valuable insight here. Sorry this is going to be long, but its kind of a complex situation. My boyfriend and I are approaching a year of what has been an exclusive relationship. However, there are a few issues. 1) He lives almost 3 hours away, and with being busy with school and work we only see eachother for a few days at a time every couple of weeks 2) it began pretty much as a one night stand about a year and a half ago, but since he is the brother of my best friend from college, naturally we kept crossing paths. We slept together on two separate occasions, then I went abroad for a summer so we didn't see eachother again for 4 months and had absolutely no contact otherwise and I entered into a relationship with someone during that time. Then when I came back, that relationship ended, and my current bf and I ended up hooking up again. It was totally casual at first, but then it started just becoming a kind of regular thing, our friends all pretty much started considering us a couple, his family started treating me like his girlfriend so it just became implied that we were in something that was more than just casual..which leads to issue #3) Eventually, we sat down and had the "so what exactly are we" conversation. We both agreed that we didn't want to see anyone else, but there were also things that he brought up that he said were holding him back from wanting to be my boyfriend.. He has emotional issues to deal with, both his parents died of cancer, his dad a few years ago, and his mother while I was abroad. Hes had his share of bad relationships, as have I, so we both have issues with trusting people in general. Also he is in a rough spot of trying to figure out what it is that he wants to do with his life..he dropped out of school due to depression and dealing with his parents dying, and now just can't seem to figure out what his path should be. The way he stated it is that basically he feels I wouldn't be able to count on him to offer me everything emotionally that I might expect out of a boyfriend. I am in a similar situation, I'm taking time off of school to figure out what I want to do so that I'm not wasting my time and money finishing a degree that I dont really want to pursue. So anyway, at the moment neither of us are really in a comfortable enough place in our own lives to try and make it fit with someone else's life. Back when we had this discussion, we agreed that we felt there was something meaningful between us, but to just take it easy, get to know each other, and just have fun with one another. However, we have continued to see each other, and have gotten to know each other quite well and have grown very close. We refer to each other as gf/bf and its quite clear that we care for one another a great deal. I've never been more comfortable with anyone I've dated, and my friend/his sister says that this seems to be working better for him than any other relationship as well, even with the distance and other such complications. (though of course her opinion may be somewhat biased) Anyway, I'm not the kind of person that takes saying "I love you" lightly. I won't say it unless I'm sure I mean it, I've only said it to one other person and it took me a long time to get there.

Well, now with my current, I honestly do feel that I love him, and I have to hold myself back from telling him so. And the reason I don't is because nothing about our situation has changed really other than we have grown much closer on an emotional basis and know each other much better. We are both still trying to sort out our own lives, we are still 3 hours apart (though the visits back and forth seem to be increasing, especially on his part) and as far as I can tell, he still doesn't consider himself able to be a "good" boyfriend (even though he has yet to let me down in any way) His behavior towards me is so affectionate in every way that I often feel like he is trying to tell me how he feels without just coming out and saying it. So my problem is whether or not I should just tell him I love him? I don't want to put pressure on him if its something he just isn't ready to do yet, because its not a matter of him being afraid of commitment necessarily (he isn't the player type, never has been, our first was one of very few one night stand sort of situations, hes definitely always gone for steady relationships), he just isn't secure enough in himself to bridge that gap for fear of not being ready and inadvertently hurting me. So I don't want to put him in an awkward situation of feeling pressured to say it back, but I also want him to know how I feel, and that if he does feel the same way for me, its ok to say it.. I am realistic enough about the situation to know that things may very well not work out. I dont want to hold him back from pursuing anything, and wouldn't allow him to hold me back either, and I know he wouldn't try. I just don't want to drive myself crazy holding back teh way I feel if I don't really need to, but I am also willing to wait if that seems to be the better option as well. I'm in no hurry to like, get married or anything, and I am happy with the relationship as it is...its just every so often, those 3 little words come so close to slipping out. I just don't want to screw it up. I really am not sure what the best course of action is.. any advice you all might have would really be appreciated...sorry this was soo long.

[sera300]

At one year; if you have to ask this question of "Is it right" it's telling me both of you still need to get to know the other better. If you are stumbling with the questions which confront you, the ones you have outlined; I would not say it.

Let him put his life in order & you do the same. When you both feel as you have a path & are "whole" as individuals then re-dress the thoughts. I say to hold secondary to your doubts of what the impact will be on your relationship.

When you are in true love, I'm not saying you are not, the time is right & there are no doubts. When in doubt just hold.

[raez]

Oh and if this has any importance..sex with him is far more sincere, passionate, and amazing than I have ever experienced.

[raez]

Do you think then that given the situation, since the emotional hang ups are really on his end, that it would be better to wait for him to initiate, or just until things change in general? I feel like saying it would come totally naturally to me, and like I said there have been times where I've had to hold it back at the very last second for fear of freaking him out, so its not my doubts about love itself, but him being able to reciprocate.

I can't wait around forever, and nor will I, I have to do what is best for me..but for the time being, I can handle holding off and just showing him my feelings through my actions and support of him.

[lnt1103]

How long ago was the 'so what are we' conversation? My first gut instinct is that it may be time for a similar conversation. For a real relationship to truly work you have to be able to discuss all this stuff with HIM. He's the only one that can tell you for certain how he'd react to hearing those words anyway. I wonder what would happen if, just once, you weren't able to catch yourself in time and it went ahead and came out........

This from a person who's trying to lessen self-censorship and holding back. So do whatever feels right to YOU.

[goof'schik]

I do know what you are feeling. I, chik, have known goof for 8 going on 9 years. We worked for the same company, in different departments yet the same building. Between 2 and 3 years, yes years, ago we had a meeting of the minds. We are what you would say friends with benefits, and it's suppose to be a big secret. I doubt he has told anyone, well his neighbors see my car or truck in the drive so them. I have told some of my friends that are not in the same circle as him, and when my department moved from the building he stayed in I told a few that know him.
He is 60, never married and has no kids. I am 47, also never married and also no kids. It's not that he hates or dislikes kids he just never wanted any of his own and at a young age got a vasectomy. I had fibroid tumors and had a total hysterectomy back when I was 32. I love kids, yet I was born with a heart defect and kinda always knew I would never have one of my own.
I have a small family, mom, dad and my younger brother have already past away. I have an older brother here in the states, we are not that close but working on it, he's recently divorced and let's just say his ex wife and I did not get along. He had been with her for 30 + years. Neither of my brothers had kids either. We have cousins, 2nd cousins and 3 cousins in Canada, London, Ontario; Toronto, Ontario and Surrey, British Columbia. I am close to them, and many of my friends and their parents, siblings and spouses I consider to be my family.
Goof's mom, dad, step-dad and sister have also already past away. He has a nephew and 2 great nephews but I would not say they are close. He talks to them once or twice a year, if that. He has his neighbors and the guys he went to high school, Korea and Vietnam with. And he has me.
I've written I love you or love you at the end of emails just recently. I do not want anything to happen to me or to him without him knowing that I love him. That he is loved. I don't expect to hear I love you back, in fact a year or so again I had told him I cared and his response was DON'T!! I told him then look, we are what we are, these are my feelings and I can't change them and I don't want to keep them bottled up inside. I don't expect anything from you, just hear it hopefully let it touch your heart and make you smile. There is someone out in that great big world and they care about you. It is as simple as that.
He does little things that when he does I hear I like you, or I love you or I care about you, not words but actions. And that is all he is able to give, I know that and accept it.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by raez

Do you think then that given the situation, since the emotional hang ups are really on his end, that it would be better to wait for him to initiate, or just until things change in general? I feel like saying it would come totally naturally to me, and like I said there have been times where I've had to hold it back at the very last second for fear of freaking him out, so its not my doubts about love itself, but him being able to reciprocate.

I can't wait around forever, and nor will I, I have to do what is best for me..but for the time being, I can handle holding off and just showing him my feelings through my actions and support of him.

I agree that actions are more sincere than "those three words". However, if they have not been stated by this point I would not say much at all. If anything sit and discuss your relationship & future with him. If I was nearing two years with a man who lacked the words? I would say he does not have the feelings for me & wold not waste his or my time. Or if he did feel them he has serious communication problems & is that what you wish to be saddled with since they will carry over to other aspects of your relationship.

I believe if you discuss where you both wish to go in the future; it may be a better option since it opens the door; is it reluctance or mere lack of feelings of being in love? Too often people cling to relationships due to security rather than for true love.

I agree with not waiting around forever since both of you deserve to find true love if it's not present. The last thing you should do is to stay and pour your heart out when the feelings are not mutual. However, be certain prior to making any choices.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Right now both of you are providing each other emotional support as you two try to sort yourselves out. Therefore you two are meeting "weakness to weakness" - it is your needs that are holding you two close. There's nothing negative about this. But in order to say "I love you" effectively, so it doesn't scare him away by adding additional emotional burdens, you two have to be meeting "strength to strength" - where it is your ambition and desire to share it that holds you two together and not your need for support.

I recommend NOT saying "I love you" until both of you are back on track.

(Yes, I am introducing you to a new concept here.)

[raez]

Chik- I hope that your goof is eventually able to reciprocate your feelings in the way that you show them for him, as you seem to care a great deal and deserve to be on the receiving end as well. I am glad that you are content with the situation as it is. As long as you are happy, that is the important thing.

Sera, you definitely make some good points and I think answering many of the questions you pose is definitely something to think about, so thank you for your insights.

EEK- You have hit the nail on the head, I think that this is exactly what I've been concerned about, just didn't completely understand it or know the best way to explain it.
I think we are each in the position where we are starting to put ourselves together, and for me it feels like I am moving from that position of needing him for support, to wanting to share the future (as uncertain as it still is) that I am building more closely with him. But yeah, I haven't bridged that gap completely yet, and I am unsure of where he stands, so we still aren't going to be meeting on a strength to strength basis yet. I think really all that I can do for the moment is open up the communication in terms of where we are and where we feel we are headed on an individual basis, let him know that I care enough that I won't be going anywhere anytime soon, and just be patient until we each are strong and stable enough to let emotions go where they may.

In the meantime, it will just continue to be difficult to keep it from slipping out at certain moments, and I won't be able to keep it off my mind all the time, but I am good at finding other things to focus on, which is what I need to be doing anyway. However, being able to talk about it and hearing input from you all has definitely helped me sort it out enough in my head that its not just driving me crazy wondering, so thank you all very much. I truly appreciate all your advice and wonderful insights. The person that I would usually go to with this sort of thing is my best friend but since she is his sister that sometimes makes the discussion awkward at times. Plus I imagine she get sick of hearing about us since she gets a double dose lol, because as far as I know he talks to her about me as well.

The worst part about this is having such strong feelings towards him and then not getting to see him very often. I miss him so much when we are apart

[EvilEvilKitten]

Rather than "missing him", which is perfectly natural, try to think of him as the sun. Some days it is cloudy and we all wait for the sun to shine again - but we have no doubt that it is there. Think of him like that and go forth warmed by the certainty of his delight in you.